*blog break*

yeah, i'm studying. which is why i'm blogging so much.. it's a procrastinating outlet. i have now resigned myself to study on the floor in the space between the bathroom and the cupboard because 1) it's far from the bed, 2) it's far from the computer, and 3) the kitchen is behind me, and 4) all my files are nicely laid out in a long row along the cupboard. the room is kinda divided into five piles of books/notes: one for each of my four exams and one more pile for dissertation.

went into waterstones today and was tempted to take up its "3 for 2" offer. books that i was so very much tempted to buy:
1. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! - Richard P. Feynman, Ralph Leighton (ok i'm so glad i din't buy this one coz it's £0.99 second hand on amazon.co.uk, compared to 9.99 waterstones)
2. Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed - Jared Diamond
3. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka (but i wouldn't have bought this anyway coz kavita has it and i can just borrow from her)
4. and another book about how science work by this dude who has a science show on british telly. forgot both title and author. sigh. it seemed really interesting.. :D

currently reading (apart from the stuff that's on the reading lists for exams..)
1. Cosmopolitanism - Kwame Anthony Appiah (ok i got past the first chapter and i like how after you reach a certain milestone in your career you don't have to write with references anymore. just declare anything like it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth..)
2. Reflections of exile - Edward Said (ahh..he's too cool and this book is a collection of essays which makes it easier to read coz it requires short term concentration. i like. which is why I also like short stories.. coz you don't have to cheat by reading the back first.. which is what i usually do in long books.. i seldom read fiction nowdays. the only fiction i have in my room right now is p.g.woodhouse and roald dahl.. oh, and madeleine l'engle. all kids books. :D)

books bought but notchet read coz no time
1. preemption - alan dershowtiz
2. the poisonwood bible - barbara kingsolver
3. identity and violence: the illusion of destiny - amartya sen (kavita's reading this and she's making a summary for me. lol)
4. the wretched of the earth - franz fanon. actually bought this a long time ago but still couldn't quite get into it.
5. orientalism - edward said
6. intertwined lives: margeret mead and ruth benedict - lois banner

i think i'm gonna stay in london for summer. the libraries and bookshops here are way too cool. whoa imagine: a good book, sunshine, bottle of wine, food, park, grass, blanket, shades.. bliss.

:D

to go or not to go?

i went for french class. there were three students and our teacher. not good. i've never been picked on so many times in my life in class. sigh. i felt i paid back all my dues accumulated throughout the year for not doing homework and contributing zero hours towards french outside the classroom. unless you count eating at pret-a-manger to be doing french. the conclusion when all has been heard? i will never EVER take french lessons again. it's over. je ne parle pas francais. je deteste parle francais. tres tellement difficile. c'est tout.

i did not go to see my tutor. kinda chickened out in the end coz i had so many things to ask him but nothing really to say and i wanted to read more before i made a complete fool of myself by astounding him with my knowledge (or lack of it). but now remains that nagging thought ya know.. what if i had gone? maybe he'd have told me words of wisdom from heaven that will propel me instantaneously to firstclass-nerdom. arghhh... also he looks like colin firth and i don't know what to say to such hunkyness. it's like, wow check out those sideburns and high forehead and ok focus focus on what he's saying and stop staring at his broad comfortable-looking chest, g. :D lol. (it's more vivid in my imagination than it is in reality, truly:D)

up next week: goodbye french, hello tutor.

dawn

i'm up with a cold that i caught while out in the rain over the weekend. fried some venison meat for dinner but just couldn't stomach it so it's now sitting in the fridge and dinner didn't stay down either. so now i'm hungry, i'm cold, i have a slight fever and i'm deciding whether or not to go for french class tomorrow. i just skimmed through a book that i bought recently on ebay, called "culture and public action" and my only regret is that i didn't buy it earlier. i feel as though i can't write anymore. the words just won't come out. i'm thinking, instead of writing. stuck. constipated. that's bad no? i blame it on endless academic essays and microsoft word grammar and sentence checks. completely ruins style.

a few nights ago i dreamt someone said the perfect sentence. i recalled making numerous mental notes in my half-awake state to remember it verbatim, but now i can't even remember what it's about. but oh, the feeling of making the perfect sentence!! that i still remember.. :)

i'm beginning to view "progress" as a journeying process that do not involve the conscious act of learning alone, but the subconscious internalization and embodiment of modes of behavior and patterns of thought processes from an atmosphere alive and vibrant with new ideas and opposing paradigms... and despite my initial stuttering and half-baked attempts to express my underdeveloped thoughts, i find myself now, further down the road, at a point where the stuttering is less pronounced and what seemed like an impossible goal at the beginning now becomes clearer and within reach: the ability to construct and succesfully defend an argument in a more sophisticated manner. lol. :D

apparently that's what it all boils down to. it ain't matter what other people think is right. you just gotta figure out whatcha think works for you and why you thinkit and defend your ground till the end. steadfast, unwavering, immovable... in the face of 10001 other voices. apparently, quality is secondary, it's who says it and how loud and strong he or she says it that matter more. i think that's all bullshit of course but perhaps that's why god's so easy to miss.. coz daily reminders of god can be so subtle: a loving gesture, an unexpected kind word, unexplainable joy..

so at times, it is amidst the cacophony of voices all screaming for my attention that i strain to hear but sometimes miss, the gentle steady whisper(er)... where is my god? Ahh....

"His sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

baa..

awesomeness

in church earlier the pastor dude was talking about how god is like an ocean.. and whatever it is that we think we know about god is like us swimming a mile in the ocean and thinking that we've swam the whole ocean but actually we're only in our little wading pool. and on some level it's like duh yea god is bigger than my brain i know that already.. or i'd like to think i do. but i think on another level i can't even begin to imagine it cos the earlier reminder of realization that god is bigger than the sum of everything i know or will ever know about him is wow just so unfathomable and staggering and wow... i am. in awe.

jumbo hunt

so at 3:45pm on a cloudy sunday afternoon, eli, valeria and i decided to go for an elephant hunt in london. apparently a big mechanical wooden elephant was roundabout town as part of a drama troupe from france. so imagine, the three of us, hurriedly walking along greet queen street in the direction of picadilly circus, having a conversation that went something like this:

g: so, what's this again?
e: the elephant. it's at picadilly circus. i went there earlier and they said it's gonna start walking at 3:30.
v: and this is a wooden mechanical elephant, yea..?
e: yeah, i saw a huge bowl of water at one of the streets. i think the elephant's gonna drink from it.
v: come on.. why would an elephant drink water from a bowl? it's a wooden elephant.
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw.
g: so, the elephant's gonna drink the water huh. what's it gonna do with the water?
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw...

so yeah, the elephant was HUGE.... REALLY HUGE.. as tall as a two storey building. it pulled a stage which carried a live band that included a bagpipe dude playing funky music. it was "driven" by eight people, each controlling the different appendages of the elephant: forelegs, back legs, trunk, head.. And on top of the elephant was a mongolian looking person decked in some kind of maharajah outfit looking exoticly fierce and ringleader-ish. and yes, the elephant did indeed drink from the huge bowls of water that eli saw, and it was spraying water onto the crowd with its trunk, although i couldn't quite figure out where the elephant kept the water.. huge bladder must be.

so fun. i love london.

arithmetic

chorus
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

- brooke fraser, "arithmetic"

:B

bobbie houston is so amazing. gail and i are official registered fans.
lol. :D

london's groovy

was kinda craving for some meat after dinner and then i get this call from gz saying hey come over and hang out.. so up i went and he had just returned from dinner at his aunt's and brought back food and so i had yummy ugandan rice with beef and chapati. :D and then we talked about african politics, colonialism, god, marriage..among other things.. and then he fell asleep while i was on the internet. :) so i left.

had two study sessions in two days and am so grateful for grace and strength to study and nail these exams. my first paper is in 20 days.. am now focusing on the later papers (cos they're more difficult) but next week will devote energies towards an404. feeling incredibly nerdy but also enjoying every bit of it. cos i'm returning to my old notes and old readings and they suddenly made more sense than they ever did before.. phew..

meanwhile, been checking out jth on the net and listening to him on itunes. *wink to gail*. hehehe.. and having loads of silly dreams.. :D *giggle* but as always, the best is yet to come.

ok im so grateful to be alive and well. the past few weeks have been just amazing. the weather's been great and things somehow just fall into place, even if at some point they did seem a little sucky. the best thing is that i now do not need a coat outdoors. groovy. just groovy.

...

you stood before creation
eternity in your hand
you spoke the earth into motion
my soul now to stand

you stood before my failure
carried the cross for my shame
my sin weighed upon your shoulders
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i walk upon salvation
your spirit alive in me
this life to declare your promise
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe
of the one who gave it all
so i'll stand
my soul lord to you surrendered
all i am is yours

- joel houston "the stand"

Ok, God..

So, you've been really great and i can't thank you enough for everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHINGGGGGG especially the events that has happened over the past week.. gosh.. you're amazing.
i'm so glad you're so alive and happening and working in the hearts and lives of me and the people around me.
Just continue to work that wonder and magic ok. i totally trust in you.. cos "marvellous are Your works, I know that full well."
in other words: God, YOU DA BOMB!
:D

woohooo great song

I called
You answered
and You came to my rescue
and I
wanna be where
You are

in my life, be lifted high
in our world, be lifted high
in our love, be lifted high

- Marty Sampson, "came to the rescue", Hillsong United We Stand album

the thing about dogs is..

they'll love you no matter what.

they smell better too.

:D

the thing about girls is..

it's not like we actually want the boys anyway.

we just like the attention.

:D

the thing about guys is..

me: first they shower you with attention, then they make you emotionally dependent on them, and when that's done, they disappear as quickly as they had appeared, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened..

a: at the beginning of a relationship, the guy is more insecure than the girl, hence he'll do anything for the girl lah...but once he thinks he's gotten her, then he'll start feeling more secure, then he'll stop showering her with affection, then the girl's turn to start feeling insecure pulak...

damnation.

:D

i think i'll go get me a dog. :)

actions and what they mean

it's not that i chose to do what i did. it's more like a natural outcome of who i am. i can't make myself do something while feeling as though i'm seriously compromising me. and if i did force myself, it'd be so pretentious you wouldn't want that anyway, would you? so there..i feel like i'm caught in a no-brainer situation. on the one hand, i could pretend and it'd seem like everything's dine and fandies but inside i'd be dying. on the other hand, i could do what i really wanna do and you might not like that at all but it'd be me and it'd be better than living a lie. so there.

bizzario

found out that 20-20 at church tonight was cancelled and i didn't even know about it. good thing i met luke in school. :D

hitting the library now. i wonder what'll happen later. i live these days in anticipation of the magical. *wink

noon notes

i just came back from my dv400 revision class and boy do i have loads of revision to do. :(
sigh.

hehhh...

i guess this is where i start working even though i'm hardly inspired by keynesian economics and growth theories.

i think inside, i'm indian. but if i'm indian then i'd like economics. i don't hate it, i just find it incredibly boring and tiresome. :)

my tutor's so cute though. :D with sideburns wan. HAHAHAa.

feel like skipping french. it starts in 5 minutes. maybe i'lll just go late or something. argh.

ok ok. relax relax. maybe i shud go sleep.

notes from dawn

im in the library. slept at 12 (super early) and woke up at 2 (cos that's my usual waking hour). tried to go back to sleep but was tossing and turning. gave up at 4 something, took shower, ate chicken and yoghurt and now im here. studying. :D (or not)

it's the second day of summer term. handed in first assessed essay yesterday. kinda nuts about my dissertation, still having trouble pinning down the research question. and then there's the exam prep.. which isn't so difficult i guess but i do wanna do well.. :) ahhh for wisdom!

god's been so good, as always. :D

sister is in amsterdam right now probably eating some magic mushroom cookies. but she'll be back later. woohooo. we walked from drury lane to tower bridge along the river thames and back some time last week. took us two hours, from 12:15 - 2am.. some 8km altogether. and i know the names of all the bridges from waterloo to tower: waterloo, blackfriars, millenium, southwark, cannon street railway bridge, london bridge, tower bridge. :D i dont even know why im writing this here.

anyways, am feeling so blessed beyond belief.. good friends, good food, magical moments (even if oswald chambers said in his reading today that we gotta work anyway even if we're not inspired... :D) and just enough money in the bank to keep me going. :)

oh, a song that was oh so inspiring which i heard in church and been replaying on my ipod ever since:

"Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name
You are amazing God

All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees
as we humbly proclaim,
you are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God.."

"Indescribable", by Chris Tomlin

super duper love. :D

Letter to Home

Dear Aunty ***,

I meant to write you earlier but keep forgetting!! I am well. Preparing for exams in a month's time while finishing up term essays and dissertation proposals due in 10 days. I'm in the midst of a 3,000 word essay. I've written 1,000 words so far. :) Gail was here a few days ago but she's now in Portugal visiting a friend (female:) whom she met while on camp in America last summer. Since portugal is a catholic country, good friday and easter are celebrated with much fanfare and so she left with plans of going up this mountain with her friends before dawn on Easter sunday for a sunrise service. hehee.. Me, on the other hand, will be stuck here in good old London, which isn't too bad a proposition i guess. Will be going to church at westminster chapel and then having an easter meal with some friends. Was so tempted to jump with her on the plane to portugal, if only the balance in my bank account was more agreeable. :)

oh i got accepted into the phd program in anthropology here starting this september. However, i'm still rather undecided about it and am keeping my options open for other schools. Although lse is pretty intellectually stimulating, yet the english system basically leaves you to your own devices most of the time and i think i prefer some sort of close mentoring, especially when it comes to undertaking such a long term project. So i'm setting my sights on Australia and the States as well..:D There's also the question of funding. i did apply for the usm fellowship program, but i have mixed feelings about the idea of being bonded for seven years teaching in usm. While it would be good to settle down and be near the old folks, i still haven't quite achieved my quest for world domination. heheh. no i'm kidding. i could live in penang and i would be quite happy at home.. but it all seems too clear cut and somehow i can't shrug off the feeling that there could be more out there. so we'll see.. :)

The days are longer with summer coming up and it isn't so cold now. It has been a rather long winter apparently. i can't wait for the time when i can walk out of the building in flip flops and shorts. London is so pretty and colourful in the spring sunlight.. i enjoy walking in the parks especially on the way to church.. ducks, daffodils and cherry blossoms erasing the dreariness of winter. :D so lovely.

As of now, I'm planning to go home in mid-July for summer.. i miss Asia. England and europe is too sterile for me, despite all its comforts and conveniences. i think i've had enough of post-enlightenment culture. My manglish, malay and tagalog are getting rusty.

But, as you are probably aware, everything is quite subject to change when it comes to me. To be honest, i'm not too bothered.. am trusting God to open up opportunities for where he wants me to be. Perhaps i should be more concerned, but i'm not. hehhh. At any rate, don't worry and I'll keep you guys informed!


Love to all,

grace.

three memorable happenings

today, I.. (or rather, yesterday)

1. celebrated my first sader (Jewish passover) organized by my neighbour, E, downstairs in the common room. Around 30 of us - different nationalities, religions and ethnicity - reclined on our cushioned sofas while reciting and reminiscing the psalms, songs and stories of how the Eternal One delivered the people of Israel out of Egypt. It was quite the experience.. especially the part where we poured a cup of wine for Elijah and stood up to welcome him in. :) Oh, one more thing.. great food. :) nothing much can beat chocoloate coated macaroons and braised beef.. eaten separately of course. :D

2. wrote the introduction to my 3000-word assessed essay on poverty and it is lookin good. :D I'm starting with shakespeare and ending with harun al-rashid, with a bit of einstein in the middle. God, help me, help me.

3. got engrossed in edward said's book "reflections of exile" today at the library. Good stuff i ordered myself a copy from amazon.co.uk. A quote that he quoted:

"The man who finds his homeland sweet is still a tender beginner; he to whom every soil is as his native one is already strong; but he is perfect to whom the entire world is as a foreign land. The tender soul has fixed his love on one spot in the world; the strong man has extended his love to all places; the perfect man has extinguished his."
Hugo of St. Victory, a twelfth-century monk from Saxony.

What he meant by the perfect man estinguishing his love, was that he now looks at every new place in a fresh way full of possibilities, without carrying with him the baggage of some nostalgic dream of "home" to compare and contrast his new land with. :) cool eh.

said is da bomb. and he writes so clearly as well! just too bad he's dead.

hero

Can you win battles without wounds? Scars are the true mark of a hero.

Can he who follow have no wounds, no scars? Should not the way of the servant be as the way of the Master?

i should use flickr but does it matter? :)

me and d, with henna on my hair and dripping... :D

joel lying on grass and sighing

found the end of the rainbow while cycling with ayu and joel at cam. :) the pot of gold was the moment itself :)

tea and scones

me so fat! :) diet starts tomorrow!!

some more pictures

joel, giving music to ayu's love song

sculpture of jesus, at salisbury cathedral

i love my london buses

So these are what humbugs look like. finally, after reading about them in enid blyton and biggles storybooks, i have a substantial image to take over where imagination previously ruled

welcome to scotland :)

some pictures

cakes at borough market.. thoroughly fattening.

me, before the haircut

ayu, writing a malay love song :D (It's true!!!)

me and lee, the night i made him a farewell turkey sandwich after he woke me up to say goodbye before flying off to the states for good

me at stonehenge. wonder what the fuss is all about. just a bunch of stones. :D

new weblog entry

wow i just realized i entered only three posts in March. No wonder my ratings are down. I'm kidding, I have no ratings. So for those who faithfully check up on me, this is a summary of what I've been up to lately:

1. I'm now on easter vacation. Five weeks of bliss and it's entering week three and I still haven't revised for my exams but here the holiday ends. Two weeks of gallivanting is more than enough I assure you. On Tuesday after Ayu leaves, I will hit the books. :D

2. I got accepted into the lse phd program. woohooo.. but no funding just yet so those of you who'd like to invest in my education, drop me an email. I'm still looking for money though and am quite sure that it'll turn up. And if it doesn't, i'll still believe the best is yet to come.

3. My exams are in May and June. I'm thinking of going home for summer for a bit, especially if I'll return here in september for next term. Don't know yet. So many plans, don't know how.

4. I am settled at a church, finally. It's called westminster chapel and it's near westminster abbey, parliment cathedral and the westminster methodist center. lol. And st. james park. Groovy music, lepak people, power message and intimate gatherings.. what more could i ask for? and, a good friend who lives in my building goes there too. AND, it's within walking distance through one of the prettiest parks in London. :)

5. Two friends and I drove from lancaster to scotland through the highlands and along the coast. it's b-e-a-u-tiful. I think i now understand a little more why Braveheart and Rob Roy would fight and die for their country.

6. I saw Phantom of the Opera the musical with J. totally groovy.

7. My sister's coming to visit next week. *groan* hehehhe.. :D

8. My dissertation topic got approved and I met with a member of the faculty who gave me great advice for a topic not written about much. hallelujahhhh!!! haha.

9. I have three essays to write. I just wrote one. I now have two more. It's some volunteer work which can be so uninspiring sometimes. But sometimes just gotta plod on no? :P

10. Oh and I have one graded term paper to write. I think I'll work on that Tuesday. Time flies. Unbelievable. sigh.

chocolate

"I love how the Gospels start, with John the Baptist eating bugs and baptizing people. The religious people started getting baptized because it had become popular, and John yells at them and calls them snakes. He says the water won't do anything for them, it will only get their snakeskins wet. But if they meant it, if they had faith that Jesus was coming and was real, then Jesus would ignite the kingdom life within them. I love that because for so long religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when I get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual. God will ignite the kingdom life within me, the Bible says. That's mysticism. It isn't a formula that I am figuring out. It is something God does."

Blue Like Jazz, donald miller

woohooo.. :)

fancy smanchy cambridge

:)

It is very pretty here. Went punting on the river with J, Ayu and D. Man that was tiring and scary, especially when D almost fell into the river. The funniest part was when this other boat hit our boat, and its punter fell backwards, not into the river, but into another boat that came up behind them. Hilarious. At least he didn't fall into the water.. that would have been quite something, as it's still a little chilly outside. :)

J is as lawak as ever. Seeing him in default surroundings sure revealed stuff about him that we somehow suspected but never did quite confirm, till now. "I see your true colours.. shining through".. and that's why i love you. la lalala... hahah.

but when all's said and done, i still think lse is da bomb in terms of facilities (fantastic), frills (minimal but enough to create some form of "tradition" with which comes along again, some form of school spirit), convenience (it takes 5 minutes to get from one end of the "campus" to the other), location (london at my fingertips), quality (well..it isn't too bad, really) and people (the whole world is at lse). I couldn't think of any other place where I would be happier in England than in good old London. :)

ok so enough raving and that's about as school-spirty as I'll ever get.

***

Here's something I read from J's book called "Blue Like Jazz", wherein the author donald miller akins following Jesus to jazz. His preface reads: "I never liked jazz music before because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the BAgdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. but that was before any of this happened."

That being enough to grab my attention, I just had to leaf through the book. Now this guy, he writes with magic. :)

On Worship - The Mysitcal Wonder
I read a book a long time ago about Mother Teresa. Somebody in the book asked her how she summoned the strength to love so many people. She said she loved people becasue they are Jesus, each one of them is Jesus, and this is true because it says so in the Bible. And it is also true that this idea contradicts the facts of reality: Everybody can't be Jesus. There are many ideas within Christian spirituality that contradict the facts of reality as I understand them. A statement like this offends some Christians because they believe if aspects of their faith do not obey the facts of reality, they are not true. But I think there are all sorts of things our hearts believe that don't make sense to our heads. Love, for instance; we believe in love. Beauty. Jesus as God.

It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable.

When we worship God we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand. If we could, God would not inspire awe. Eternity, for example, is not something the human mind can understand. We may be able to wrap our heads around living forever (and we can do this only because none of us has experienced death), but can we understand what it means to have never been born? I only say this to illustrate that we, as Christians, believe things we cannot explain. And so does everybody else.

I have a friend who is a seminary student who criticizes certain Christian writers for embracing what he calls "mysticism". I asked him if his statement meant that he was not a mystic. Of course not, he told me. I asked him if he believed in the Trinity. He said he did. I asked him if he belived that the Trinity represented three separate persons who are also one. He said he did. I asked him if that would be considered a mystical idea. He just stood there thinking.

You cannot be a Christian without being a mystic.

I was talking to a homeless man at a laundry mat recently, and he said that when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy. I thoguht that was very beautiful and comforting because I have never been good at math. Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me. The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever.

:)

rawkin' babe

congrats babe *mwah.
never underestimate that babyface. :D
muhahahaha.. come visit me!

je suis malade

i've got a cold. but still managed to drag self outta bed and go for brazilian buffet for E's bday.. he belanjaed and i can't say no to free food, can i? :)

nothing much can beat shariff's though. simple inexpensive pleasures. :D

it's the first day of the last week of school today. had the last dv400 lecture. i guess this is where the real work starts, synthesizing all my knowledge and fitting the details into the bigger picture in prep for the exams. *gulp*

i miss warm weather and my head feels woolly.. :( boohoo..

ahhh..

i'm so lseeeeeepppyyyysssslleeeepppy...gnites.

It's Friday!!

woohoo..

**

I'm so tired. long long week spent writing.. a lot. of nonsense. :)
hopefully it'll be worth it.

Meanwhile, tomorrow i'll be visiting stonehenge. *wink

I have a new neighbour two doors away on the right, across the hallway. chick from singapore, 3rd year undergrad. We're gonna integrate her into the G-floor gang. Muahaha... will be fun.

woohoo...

***

oh i went for hillsong connect group for the first time last weds. friend had to convince me to go, cos i was so shy and afraid that they'd eat me up. turned out to be great cos everybody was kinda new, the boys cooked.. we had about 10 of us from different countries.. and there were no "cliques" in the group.. so people were kinda mingling. awesome.

can't wait for more. *grin

Badia!!

on the weather..

So the past few days I've had a few late nights which resulted in the luxury (or necessity) of sleeping till noon. I like to sleep with the curtains pulled back (what's the word for it? The opposite of drawn? Drawn means to pull together right? Sharks my english is terrible.) so i can wake up to sunlight illuminating the room. And boy, the past few days the sun has been brilliant - hardly a cloud in the sky - extra motivation to go running.

or not.

I put on my bright coloured clothes (in anticipation of spring), ditch the heavy sweaters and scarf, and step outside to soak in the mild weather as seen through my window, only to be slapped back to the reality that:

1. winter is SO not over (max 4C, min -2)
2. looks are so deceiving
3. england is a country full of weather surprises.

It snowed on Monday, yesterday and today. 10-15 minute sessions of falling white. Earlier, in yet another lecture on poverty, my mind absently tuning in to labor-wages-employment-welfare arguments while making its voyages around the world, it started snowing (again) outside. It didn't really register at first, until people in class started nudging each other, whispering "it's snowing!" and gesturing outside at the gentle dropping flakes. ahhhh.. so pretttyy....

and then five minutes later, it stopped.

I'm still waiting for the much-fabled London covered in absolute white to materialise. Blizzard Geezard.

she's gone

and there's this vacuum in my heart and lonely space in the room which only her presence can fill...

(NOT!!)

ok ok. feel convicted on all counts. guilty as charged. i'm a meanie.

but i tried my best, considering the circumstances. and god, next time, i'll do better.. really.. :D

after dinner mints

Dinner was pretty jolly. We had sushi for the first time, thanks to the tireless effort of my guest. It's no easy task to boil the rice to a just right consistency, cut the vegetables into long thin strips, make sure the amount of vinegar is again, just right, and finally, roll the sushi in fragile seaweed and cut it with my not-so-sharp collection of knives. Incredible.

S came (with a new haircut), k made pasta, d made some rice and yoghurt thingy, i fried vegetable spring rolls (that had been in the freezer since chinese new year), v brought a choc cake, r dropped by, S2 brought some cheap champange, and we also opened a bottle of white wine which some person donated a few dinners back that actually tasted like proper wine. :) i think the trick is to buy wine which cost more than 8 pounds. but of course, with student allowances and our "cheaper the better" orientation, all we've had were lousy wine at previous dinner parties:P :)

I suspect that we might be getting too familiar with each other though, as most of the conversation/interaction nowdays has achieved the level of sibling-like bickering, although i'm not complaining. There's something strangely comforting about being able to knowningly, confidently and rudely tell someone to shut up, without causing any offense..

***

So i think at the core of it, i feel slightly uncomfortable with the presence of my uncle's friend, whom i shall now call M, because the emotions and thoughts that her presence evoke in me is too close for comfort ya know? Perhaps she gives me an idea of how i could have turned out, should i not have this life I'm living now. I could have easily been in her shoes.. fed-up with home, desperate for a better life, lonely, having all these aspirations of starting anew here and now having these dreams slightly taken a beating. The cold reality is that the real world is brutal and nobody really cares. And without the knowledge of God, it's a potential exercise in futility. Tough.

and maybe her presence (or intrusion.. depending on how you look at it) is a gentle jolt from the Father for some cross-examination of g-self which has resulted with the reminder of how incredibly blessed i am. Everything in my life is such a gift for undeserving me... which is why i feel compelled to just be there for her. even if i really don't feel like it.

so, since my life is really not mine in the first place, what's my problem right? :)

it's like dad would say, christians have no "right" to anything because our lives are not our own. The way of the Jesus-people calls for abandonment to everything that seeks to distract us from the one thing that is our consciousness: the unconditional and desperate love of the Father manifested in the death of Jesus on the cross, and what that love compels us to do.

so, no problem at all but sorry god, i still have my moments. it's tough ya know, but you did it so i guess it can be done. :P

in some manner it reminds me of manila and what S and i used to hypothesize about. You get all these people pulling on you for everything, and much is required of your time, your energy, resources, etc.. When do you put your foot down and say no? Well, the conclusion (so far, after much thought and argument), has been: yes, love compels, but don't be stupid. :P

and here, a familiar well-worn passage that dad made us read every morning before we head off to school..

Love, from 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

No more childish ways. Time to grow up.

pssst..

i'm hiding out in the library. (no not really. i'm here to borrow some books and it's freaking cold outside and i'm underdressed so i don't know if i'll make it home alive..)

my uncle's friend has eaten two cans of my heinz soup, appear to be overly friendly to my floormate, k (till he almost thinks she's hitting on him), invited herself to our stonehenge trip next weekend (although we had to say no go cos it's organized by the hall with limited spaces) and .. and.. and she's cooking dinner tonight. woohoooo..

well now i have good excuse to buy more soup (sainsbury's offer: 3 cans for £1), we have more excuses to heap teasing and snide remarks on k (he'll never hear the end of this), and sushi for dinner is always a good idea.

***

ok ok honestly, it ain't so bad. but but but.. but what if she decides to come every week? *gulp* oh my, next week is her birthday. woooohooooooooooowlllllll...

wahhhhh... hahahahahaa... ahhha.. ha.aha..ha.ha..

...

"xxxxxx loves you"

my floormate wrote "xxxxxx (his name) loves you" on my computer in pencil. i think he definitely does, but i don't know what kind and to what degree. :)

sweet eh.

when the rubber hits the road..

So a few weeks ago, I get this series of missed calls from an unknown number on my phone. Thinking that it was somebody really important about something really urgent (because nobody EVER calls me.. much less strangers), I decided to call back.

Turns out, it was this lady who is a friend of a particular uncle of mine whom i've met only once, four years ago. (The lady, not the uncle. The uncle i meet about once a year). She wanted to come stay over at my place, because she seemed to remember that I was nice and jolly and friendly to her that one time I met her. And, she claims to be friends even though i can't even remember what she looked like and had to ask her for her name, twice.

You know how it is when people put you in such a position that it would be outright rude to say NO I'M SORRY I DON'T THINK I KNOW YOU AND YOU CAN'T SIMPLY CLAIM FRIENDSHIP AND BARGE INTO MY LIFE AND EXPECT ME TO DROP EVERYTHING TO ACCOMODATE YOU? Yeah well, at that stage, I had no choice, short of being obnoxious and risk ruining the family name. (like i really care about that in the first place)

So we agreed to meet for lunch and so that Saturday I set out to chinatown to have dimsum with her and her friend. Her friend was funny, interesting and paid for the dimsum. :) She.. she was.. "ernest", well-meaning and totally naive. Highly ambitious, she came over on a two-year holiday visa with the intention of finding a permanent job here eventually, having had enough of Malaysia and the "low prospects" and "dirty politics" back home. Bottom line was, she ain't going home to work. Ever. Ok, fine, whatever.

It started getting scary when we went back to my room for tea, and after about 5 minutes, she jumped onto my bed and started snuggling into the pillows. She then went into the bathroom and removed my "toilet book" from its usual space and jumped back into the bed with it. Right. Nothing I can't handle. It then got REALLY scary when she starting commenting about the books in the room and how she love books and want to be an "academician" and "oooohhhhh grace your room feels so nice.. i think i'll come over and stay with you over the weekend or whenever i'm in london."

(THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING..NOOOOOOOOO)

Right.

Fast forward to the present, a month later. She is, even as I'm writing this down in the basement, upstairs in my room, having taken over my bed, "littering" my room with her stuff, inserting her CDs in to my computer, monopolizing my music, and.. and.. she's staying until Sunday (and today is friday night) *Sob* and and.. i think she has plans to come back the following weekend. *gulp*

It all started when I received an email from her yesterday saying that she's exhausted and needed a place to rest and some "positive energy". (whatever that means). It wasn't a request to come over, it was more like a desperate plea to come over and i couldn't say No to that, could i? and today, i find out that she apparently emailed my uncle to ask HIM if SHE could come over and stay with ME and i was like, WHAT THE???? and i think i'm slighly pissed because first of all, i'm not even close to this uncle of mine. Second of all, my uncle sends his regards to me through her. So i don't know.. i don't know if that's normal. Third of all, i can't believe that my uncle, who never calls me, has never called me in his life, and most likely will never EVER call me, liberally dispense my number to a stranger and without informing me, expects me to take care of said stranger when she appears at my doorstep.

ok ok.. so there's the whole question of "what would jesus do?". Or even, "what would my parents do?". And I guess my parents would of course welcome strangers at their home and have been doing so for as long as i could remember. And i think although i suspect it was more of my dad then my mom, i never really understood the selflessness on their part and what big hearts they had to do it because THIS IS NOT SOMETHING ORDINARY PEOPLE DO. but of course, we are not called to be ordinary, are we?

so in spite of all the whining, i'm ok. i'm not particularly overjoyed that she's here. but i think i'll live. But there's still the question ya know? To what extent am i required to extend love? Are there limits to this sort of thing? Dare I take the words of Jesus literally all the way?

i'm torn. part of me wants to be rude. another part knows that i'll feel really bad if i'm rude. so i'm not rude. but i'm not overly friendly either. help. I'm trying not to be nasty.

a moment

From: Grace Choong
To: ******** ****** <**********@gmail.com>
Date: Feb 21, 2006 1:23 AM
Subject: Re: ok..

it's amazing isn't it how people can get so caught up in fervour and passion and be totally blinded by ignorance. again this just sums up the reality of the world we live in doesn't it? everything is teetering in a delicate balance.. in some ways we don't know what to expect anymore. maybe we never did. forces from every direction, pulling and constraining and fighting for our affections and ultimately, our souls. sometimes i feel lost in all the ideas and opinions that i'm exposed to over here. every other person proclaiming the latest fashionable ideology in my face. i'm torn into a million pieces. my world is constantly being deconstructed and when that happens at too fast a pace i feel as though i'm hurtling through the universe at top speed, into an abyss.. unsure of what lies at the end of the fall.

(yet in the end, there are always arms of love to catch me.. and i think in the past few days i've been repeatedly reassured of that. and perhaps this knowledge is the one thing that keeps me going)

i'm pressed into a position to make up my mind. in the midst of the conflicting forces that yell for my attention, i am pressured to get off the fence. To make a stand and squeeze out: what the hell is it that i truly believe in? i think in some ways i'm experimenting with a whole lot of ideas and theories.. and now more than ever, there is much need for truth.. to serve as a sword to piece the darkness and confusion that cloud our thinking and outlook, to navigate and fight through the bullshit and to get to the core of it all: the one thing that makes life worth living. What is the one passion that underlies our being, the essence that gives meaning to the dust that we are, that exposes superficial thoughts and actions for what they are, and that brings us closer to truth.

(Queue "x-files" theme song.. doo doo doo doo dooo dooooo)

:)

so today we went to watch jeremy irons do a quasi-monologue in this play called "embers". it's pretty good i hope you'll get to watch it as well. in some ways it was more terrifying than a horror movie, because the themes it explored were basic and fundamental to the human heart: love, passion, betrayal, friendship, revenge, bringing the existential us to our knees. One thing he mentioned which i remembered was, this question that he put forward: if you really love someone, can you bind them to the promise of fidelity? Because the fact that they engage in infidelity means that your love was not enough to make them happy.. and so if you really love them and want them to be happy, you would not bind them to such promises. (paraphrase mine)

scary.

i think i'm finding it more and more necessary to love. K, (one of my floormates) tells me that i'm too sincere and trusting for my own good. Apparently i can't live in the real world full of dogs and rats. I should find some place idealistic and fine and dandies to live and "do my own thing" there.. Like mars, i suggested. And he said, yea.. like mars. Mars would be a good idea, he thinks.

we were kinda dissecting the play and he was saying how it's a really sad play but it's stuff which he already knows about.. that life is empty and we are all animals and all we live for is to survive. And me, of course, trying to convince him otherwise, that we are more than animals.. that we have to live inspired.. and that we are not here to merely survive.. but there is something great worth living for.

and after a while he just said (we were on msn chat. he was upstairs and i was downstairs in the basement), "i'm coming down. i can't type anymore" and he came down and i think he wanted to talk further but there were people in the room and we couldn't..

but i'm more and more convinced that there is really no other way to live and to counter the evil in this world. I'm committed to a life of non-violence. i'm a christian pacifist. i condemn the war in iraq and the (real or imagined) war in malaysia. i do not support the rights of particular indigenous peoples.. i support freedom in the widest possible sense of the word for ALL. I hate ethnic divisions. I particularly dislike putting people in a box attached with labels. I still want to believe the best in people.

I think I'm at that stage when i'm really really sorting out for myself what i truly believe in after all the constant construction, deconstruction and restructuring of my cosmology. I've got miles to go. lol.

But.. i gotta start somewhere.

Waking up is the word. Hibernation's over.

love,
g.

Adam Kuper

He spoke today at a debate in school. Provoked all sorts of emotional responses with people even calling him a "fascist anthropologist", among other undeserving names. Thoughtful intelligent gentleman who looks like Harisson Ford. I shoke his hand. My latest hero. lol. :)

excerpts from another forum..

"This question of identity is an interesting one in relation to this; it's a new kind of question. People out in the world there are looking for their identities. I don't know if any of you have this problem, you wake up in the night, 'Who am I?' It's a sort of adolescent problem that many people have evidently carried on into adult life. It hasn't bothered me for a long time but people have this problem, 'Who am I?' - and the answer is, the answer we're supposed to find, is that I find my identity when I find what group I belong to. And there can only be one group. So I discover I am gay. Or I discover that I am Muslim. I make this discovery, and then I search out my group, and I adopt the ways of thinking, the prejudices, the views, the manner of speaking and so on of this group, and then I have found my identity, I've found my place in the world and from then on I can be happy and fulfilled as a human being.

The reality, as Bonnie said of course, is that we all contain multitudes. We are all sorts of different people all the time, we're in different contexts, we have different notions, we contradict ourselves, we play with one idea rather than another. What we don't want is for someone to look at us and say 'I know who you are, I can tell who you are by your accent, by your colour or by your hairstyle, I know who you are and so I know a whole range of things about you, I can put you in your box.' That, of course, is very dangerous and a degenerate way of dealing with other human beings. So I am a liberal, I take the liberal point of view that what matters is allowing the greatest possible freedom for individual choice and individual self-expression, and also the freedom to change, so I am very much against all collective attributions of identity, and I'm against all sorts of movements that demand from an individual solidarity with a group with which they have some kind of imaginery identity."

(taken from www.kenanmalik.com)

On a Sunday Morning..

woohoo.. it's a nice sunny day and I'm going to check out the church evensong service later at St Martin in the Field.

He gets better!

Read here and here.

way too cool.

note to a: apparently, "his thinking has influenced socialist philosopher and theologian Cornel West, who calls him a friend." (taken from second article). :)

Stanley Hauerwas

google him, read his stuff. this one person i'd like to meet.

Excerpts:
"I am a pacificst, so the American "we" cannot buy my "me". But to be alienated from the American "we" is not easy. I am a neophyte pacifist. I never really wanted to be a pacificst. I had learned from Reinhold Neibuhr that if you desire justice you had better be ready to kill someone along the way.

But then John Howard Yoder and his extraordinary book The Politics of Jesus came along. Yoder convinced me that if there is anything to this Christian "stuff", it must surely involve the conviction that the Son would rather die on the cross than for the world to be redeemed by violence.

Morover, the defeat of death through resurrection makes possible as well as necessary that Christians live non-violently in a world of violence. Christian nonviolence is not a strategy to rid the world of violence, but rather the way Christians must live in a world of violence. In short, Christians are not nonviolent because we believe our nonviolence is a strategy to rid the world of war, but rather because faithful followers of Christ in a world of war cannot imagine being anything else than nonviolent.

American imperialism, often celebrated as the new globalism, is a frightening power. It is frightening not only because of the harm such power inflicts on the innocent, but because it is difficult to imagine alternatives. Pacifists are often challenged after an event like September 11 with the question, "Well, what alternative do you have to bombing Afghanistan?" Such a question assumes that pacifists must have an alternative foreign policy. My only response is I do not have a foreign policy. I have something better - a church constituted by people who would rather die than kill."

- taken from A Pacifist Response, in "Dissent from the Homeland, essays after September 11"

an anthropologist..

"is to write as truthfully, intelligbly and impartially as possible about the ordinary people living today whom we study."
- Chris Fuller

Our Primary Mission

"to hunger for righteousness, to pursue peace, to forbear revenge, to love enemies, in other words, to be marked by the cross."

John Stott

Dear X

From: g <***********@gmail.com>
To: x <**********@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 25, 2006 3:28 AM
Subject: Re: jeremy irons and midsummer

i thought bush was supposed to have pretty smart people around him. they claimed it to be one of the strengths of his administration no? I just borrowed this book called "dissent from the homeland: essays after september 11". gotta show it to you. in the introduction, one of the editors wrote "All of the essays are united in the belief that American is threatened by the most powerful enemy in its history, the administration of George W. Bush". lol.

well being a real leader whom people want to follow and listen to (and not just because of your office) is not easy. incidentally, today (as in tuesday) was the anniversary of winston churchill's death.. now that's a man whom i'd love to meet. i guess i'm also drawn to leaders who got where they did the hard way (ie aragorn (lol), martin luther king, gandhi..) and not through predigree or connections. Somehow bush doesnt seem to exhibit any kind of depth convincingly enough to be taken seriously or to warrant the kind of respect due (at least by me), and what's strange is how the american people appear to be so easily taken in by him..

maybe one of the legacies of the bush administration will be a wake-up call to those who were so mindlessly duped by his religious rhetoric. obviously their outlook on the world mirrors bush or else they wouldn't have been supporting him. Perhaps his record of lousy policies and interventions coming from an extremely narrow, self-righteous and arrogant worldview will call for some serious self-examination and paradigm shifts... which might (ideally and hopefully) in the future, make the average american more sober and easier to live with.. (ok i was just half-kidding about the last part..but you're slightly better than average so i don't mean you.lol:)

so one of the things someone told me was to focus on the intentions of a person and not necessarily their actions cos apparently, when we understand where someone is coming from and what his heart is really about, then maybe we won't be so quick to judge and i guess to a certain extent that's true, even though it's not so simple or funny anymore when flawed interventions arising from the best of intentions affect the lives of so many people..

and maybe i'm just young and hopeful and not fully exposed to the brutality of life to be totally jaded and cynical and i still want to believe the best in people.. (even though Bush has quite pushed the limits of doubt benefits) ya know i was just thinking, that grosvenor house in a lot of ways is like this little utopian world where everything's quite fine and dandy most of the time (except when the heating doesnt work.. like now) and the past few months i feel so separated from what's going on in the real world. i mean, going to the theatre, having a "studio" apartment, living in covent garden.. like wow. :D maybe that's what "privilege" dulls one into... a sort of fake feeling of security of having (almost) everything under control. i guess real education begins when one leaves the comforts of subsidized prime property residences, generous allowances and student discounts.

ok maybe that's not entirely true... some people are here because of huge sacrifices on their part.. :P and i think i've been through some pretty rough seasons and have seen some fair share of crap (in my short *ehhem* 24 years of "living":), even though the past does seem like a distant memory... sometimes i feel like i've lived so many different lives ya know? :)maybe the trick is to just be pragmatic and do what you can in any given situation and to have faith and hope that things will be okay because regardless of all the shit that is happening and will happen, everyday is a new day and the sun will rise again and how bad can it possibily get anyway? :D

i just hope that whatever happens after london, i'll have the courage to do whatever it is i have to do, to quit my post-modernist tendencies:), to be hopeful of the future, and to still have faith that love, above all, is very much alive and because of that, i will believe the best in people, i will overlook minor (and major) faults, i will not be caught up with nasty gossip and petty arguments, and i will make time to go diving. :D

and it's 3 in the morning and i hope you're not too bothered with a flood of incoherent and disconnected thoughts, as usual. :)

it's all bush's fault.

good night.

g.

:)

"What is it, namely, that connects the temporal and eternity, what else but love, which for that very reason is before everything and remains after everything is gone."

Soren Kierkegaard

***

I love weekends. Went with the usual suspects and add-ons yesterday to see "Comedy of Errors" performed by the Royal Shakespeare Company. My first proper shakespeare performance ever. It was brilliant.

Oh man, I am so.. blessed. beyond belief. :)

It's chinese new year in a week's! :)

Week 2

happy birthday abe!! :)

**

Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Galatians 2:12

**

My whole body is aching after a session of rugby yesterday with the lse team. Such a fun game.. also such a painful game. The good news is, there are no 2m tall germans on the team. The bad news is, ... wait.. there's no bad news. I love it. :)

It's week 2 of school. Packed schedule ahead because I can't decide yet which classes I want to take, so i'm going to all my viable options before deciding. Having too much fun, as usual.

mwah.

heavenly reminder.. :)

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul--not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, 14the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.

***

My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings. But that's not the way of Christ. Everything of God gets expressed in him, so you can see and hear him clearly. You don't need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything.

Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It's not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you're already in--insiders-not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it's an initiation ritual you're after, you've already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive--right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's Cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.

So don't put up with anyone pressuring you in details of diet, worship services, or holy days. All those things are mere shadows cast before what was to come; the substance is Christ.

Don't tolerate people who try to run your life, ordering you to bow and scrape, insisting that you join their obsession with angels and that you seek out visions. They're a lot of hot air, that's all they are. They're completely out of touch with the source of life, Christ, who puts us together in one piece, whose very breath and blood flow through us. He is the Head and we are the body. We can grow up healthy in God only as he nourishes us.

So, then, if with Christ you've put all that pretentious and infantile religion behind you, why do you let yourselves be bullied by it? "Don't touch this! Don't taste that! Don't go near this!" Do you think things that are here today and gone tomorrow are worth that kind of attention? Such things sound impressive if said in a deep enough voice. They even give the illusion of being pious and humble and ascetic. But they're just another way of showing off, making yourselves look important.

***

MUahhahahahaaaaa.... i'm still quite amazed at the Bible. :D

What you feed grows, what you starve dies

ATROPHY
Related: Pathology

(_t´ref_) , diminution in the size of a cell, tissue, or organ from its fully developed normal size. Temporary atrophy may occur in muscles that are not used, as when a limb is encased in a plaster cast. Interference with cellular nutrition, as through starvation; diseases affecting the nerve supply of tissues, e.g., poliomyelitis and muscular dystrophy; and prolonged disuse may cause a permanent wasting away of tissue. Atrophy may also follow hypertrophy .


HYPERTROPHY
Related: Pathology

(h_pûr´tref_) , enlargement of a tissue or organ of the body resulting from an increase in the size of its cells. Such growth accompanies an increase in the functioning of the tissue. In normal physiology the growth in size of muscles (e.g., in an athlete as a result of increased exercise) and also the enlargement of a uterus in pregnancy are caused by hypertrophy of muscle cells. In pathology the thickening of the heart muscle from overstrain, as in hypertension (high blood pressure), is the result of hypertrophy. An organ subjected to extra work (e.g., the one kidney left to function after surgical removal of the other) usually compensates by enlarging; in such cases hyperplasia, an increase in the number of cells, generally accompanies hypertrophy.

life after death

ya know what, life isn't so bad. :)

***

New Year Resolutions
1. Get a new heart, new brain and lots of courage, to
2. Live well, be happy and fruitful in all areas of me - spirit, soul, body, so i can actually
3. Graduate well, and
4. Do what i'm supposed to be doing after graduation (whatever that may be), and at the same time, to
5. Enjoy every bit of London/Europe/Now

:D

i think it's possible.

Christmas Pictures

It was a happy time. :)

solace

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:19-26

wanderings

so here i am, writing my first post of the year. i don't want to think about writing. times like these, the organization of sentences, coherence of thought and rules of proper grammar just will not apply. i wish i could just throw my constipated-ness to the wind and let all the pent-up emotions, feelings and thoughts of the past months out through words. on this blog. and perhaps after that catharsis, my soul will breathe again, finding pockets of air through the heaviness that sometimes threaten to smother the life out of my being.

i am weary, through troubles and anxieties and fears that are not even completely mine. I can't even put the blame on one particular incident. it's just the culmination of so many "events" that has happened to me and the people around me, that, were i to be a true pessimist, can only result in the following conclusions:
1. there are no good guys left.
2. most guys are jerks
3. there's so much sadness and suffering and not much solutions for a dying world.
4. life. is. pretty much. hopeless.

and then i read the bible and i do find hope and comfort in its words.. and i so want to make it relevant to the world in general. yet it's so hard to reconcile the reality of the world and the reality of the truth that i find in God.. and perhaps there is no reconciliation ever because one might as well talk about the difference between death and life.

Still, life has to find its way into death. And more than ever, it's so clear that the only hope for a dying people is for life to be breathed into lifelessness. For how can i find hope from and for myself, when in and out of myself, there is no hope to give? I need the source of Life. Ah let me live again! Let the world live again. On my own, I just can't handle the sadness that i feel, so real and manifested in all the harshness that we call "life".

***

I think I have lost bits and pieces of my heart. I need to get it back in one piece. I need to fully believe again.

For You

Once, after Pushkin
by Carol Rumens

I loved you once
D'you hear a small "I love you"
Each time we're forced to meet?
Don't groan, don't hide!
A damaged tree can live without a bud:
No one need break the branches and uncover
The green that should have danced, dying inside
I loved you, knowing I'd never be your lover
And now? I wish you summers of leaf-shine
And leaf-shade, and a face in dreams above you
As tender and as innocent as mine.

Jesus Is

"the visible image of the invisible God."
Colossians 1:15

groovy.

i can't wait for christmas. :)

winter

stark and barren
wintry trees
remind me of ashes
that were my dreams

i sit
and wish

that you were never there.

Happy Birthday Me!!

At the start of my 24th year..
World Changing Accomplishments: 0
Current boyfriends: 0
Cars: 0
Credit Card: 0
Condo: 0
Career: 0
Cash: not much
Happiness Rating: 10!!!

woohooo..

Roma, Firenze, Pisa, Venezia

So here are some pictures from l'italia, taken from my trusty 1.3 megapixel Nokia 6230i, which can take up to 200 pictures and 25sec video clips. :)


Me in front of the Coliseum, Roma.


Firenze. Pretty no? Quite lovely for honeymooning. And the shopping? They'll make you offers you can't refuse.


Pisa Tower. :)


Venezia. Pretty. And expensive.

I think my favourite was Florence. :) Hopefully next time around, i'll get to explore the countryside instead of the main touristy cities. Gotta brush up on italian though. Yet another thing to do before i reach 30.

Ciao!

141 Drury Lane

it's good to be back. really. i think i've fulfilled my travelling quota for the year.. no wait, there's spain in 10 days time.
ok, but, at the very least. i'm done walking for the rest of the week. my feet are just about worn off.
:P

ps: pictures soon!! :)
ps2: london's still pretty rockin. at least people here speak english. :)

florence

is so pretty and i just spent a LOT of money on shopping.
it's so romantic here.. and peaceful.. just beautiful. stuff of dreams. lol.

Prego!

Hi from Rome. it's quite awe-inspiring. must be hard for italians to live under the shadow of such grandeur:)

can't believe i'm here. hahaha.

god is so awesome.

next stops: florence, pisa, venice.

mwah.

new song

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll Stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

***

team houston rocks.

V's bday

It was, a great party. :)

..

It feels like i've been here forever when actually, i've only been here less than 3 months and out of that, only two months in school. But in everything, I still believe God is working.. somehow.. even if I've been rather naughty and neglectful of the "fellowship of the body of believers". But then I just trust that he works not based on who i am or what i do, but simply because He is what He is, and I just gotta trust the heart of the Father even if i don't understand the workings of His hand at times.

I finally dropped the half-unit course that I've felt have been really unhelpful during this term after weeks of agonizing over the decision. Carried the "drop-form" in my bag for days before finally chucking it into the box at Students' Services. Yesterday I checked my online status and the good news is that they allowed me to drop it even in the 8th week of term. The bad news is that I have to take two half-unit courses next term, which means extra work. The other good news is that the courses are about stuff that I care about currently (and hopefully will care about next term as well), taught by decent professors and hence those two factors will be motivation enough.

Newly discovered resources: The School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS) library and the University of London Library which, together with the LSE library carry just about all the books in the world. I found so many books (outside my required reading list) that I've been looking for ages, like, for example, the personal letters and diaries of David Livingstone, the Father Brown collection by Chesterton, Chinese Classics translated into English by James Legge, and a whole lot of other works from world history to literature and beyond beyond beyonddddddd that i can't wait to sink my teeth into. And that's motivating me to get my required reading list out of the way so I can start on my extra-curricular list. Wooohooo... :) i love london.

Ok so. I was just thinking about how things turn out. Most of the time, we start out on a new road purposefully with a "to-do" list which sometimes can turn out to be a very anal "must-do list". And even if all the signs and hints (from above and below) are pointing us in a different direction, sometimes we can be so adamant and set in our ways. While being focused on the goal is a great thing, having a bit of "flexibility" (without of course, being wishy-washy and fickle) to make changes when necessary is something which i have to continually keep in mind. lol. The tricky part is, of course, knowing when to stick with the plan, and when to change. That's where prayer and God comes in I guess.

At any rate, I'd like to think that there's nothing too bad that cannot be undone. And no experience is ever a waste, even if it may seem like "big mistakes" at that moment. The end of a thing is always the beginning of something new. :)

moving right along.

ps: if all goes according to plan, i'll be taking up *ehhem* women rugby soon. lol.

Waiting for answers to life's current most important questions

Will it snow today?

Will it snow this week?

Will it snow at all in London?

Can I play in the snow if it snows?

Will it snow at Warwick this Saturday?

Will we play in the snow if it snows at Warwick this Saturday?

How cold will it be if it snows?

k and my lack

k says: (17:20:50)
let me be your inspiration

k says: (17:20:50)
hahaha

g. says: (17:20:54)
yeah

g. says: (17:21:11)
inspire me to do what?

g. says: (17:21:16)
there're different kinds of inspiration

k says: (17:21:22)
anything you want

k says: (17:21:29)
any kind of inspiration

g. says: (17:21:30)
that's a toughie

k says: (17:21:47)
i can even inspire you to talk in points and citations

g. says: (17:22:32)
i don't wanna talk with points and citations

g. says: (17:22:37)
i wanna talk with passion and feeling

g. says: (17:22:52)
anybody who reads can talk in points and citations

g. says: (17:23:04)
but you need to be inspired to talk with passion

g. says: (17:23:15)
unless you're inspired to talk in points and citations
***

i'm losing it. sigh.

from papa marx

Segui il tuo corso; e lascia dir le genti.
- Follow your own bent, and let people say what they will.

some pictures from our hall's halloween party

Top: Olympio and the Girls
Bottom: My Neighbours Who Are Quite Mental

White China

So after standing in line for 1.5 hours with our feet and fingers steadily turning into ice in the early London winter, me, V and E decided to call it quits and head home.

K, on the other hand, decided to pursue the china white dream because "it's so close.. so close to the door.." and insisting that "I'm not doing something for nothing". So we left him, and trudged back to Drury Lane. V and E were flirting with each other so i guess they didn't care whether or not they were in china white or out of china white, and they later finished a bottle of wine downstairs while watching West Wing.

Me, i just wanted to go home and study for my french test and do my readings or sit in solitude and write in my journal because i'm quite tired of going out and hanging around people, and my insides are all out of equilibrium and need some realigning but i don't know where or how to start putting my house in order.

And damnit, it's so cold, too. I switched on the stove and the table lamp to generate more heat but it doesn't seem to be working and i think my heater's just being funky cos it's definitely warmer in the other rooms. Mine's officially the coldest and i can't seem to figure out why.

And now that i've read about five pages and amartya sen's mini biography online, i'm quite ready to sleep. I still haven't read for french. Maybe i'll do it tomorrow morning. Yet something tells me that I'll probably only do it an hour before class cos i don't seem to care anymore. It's terrible.

But here's something from Sen which i really like, from his book on famine: "Starvation is the characteristic of some people not having enough food to eat. It is not the characteristic of there being not enough food to eat."

China White

I have been "coerced" into going to this club, called China White.

I have a French test tomorrow and I haven't studied for it.

I have a seminar tomorrow and I haven't finish reading the stuff necessary to make intellectual comments in class.

I have to go.

S is not going.

Back to Earth

To Do:

1. Join connect group in church
2. Keep track of classes and reading lists
3. Pay attention in class and read listed material
4. Buy a highlighter
5. Make notes
6. Spend time at the library
7. Focus focus focus

ARGGHHHhHhHHH!!

yawn..

i should change my sleeping habits. 10am is turning out to be too early. doesn't help too that it's so cold. really. cold.
ARGH.

OVERKILL

that's what it is.

sigh.

Have you even been out on a one-to-one "date" with a person and for some weird reason or other, you have absolutely NOTHING to say?

see, i've never had that problem much before. Usually it's pretty easy making conversation.. for me at least.. but the past few days, conversations with S have really been not so hot. talk about awkward moments. lol. i think i'm getting bored.

either that, or the triple combination of him being 1, male; 2, wasp and preppy and 3, buddhist; is a mix that i can't realistically handle.

Chasing Time

Went for an ethiopian dinner with anthropology mates. Was really great cos got to mingle and get to know some of the kids in my class whom i wouldn't have find the time to get to know otherwise. Food was great too even if a little pricey. But ah well, everything here's pricey and if i were to keep thinking that way, I won't be eating at all.

Had presentation with Michael the german who basically just talked the time away while i sat beside him and looked pretty. :)

an essetial: friends. As individualistic as we'd like to be, the fact is that no man's an island. and it doesn't matter how smart or hot you are, the reality is that we need people whom we can connect with to add meaning and spice to life. And no matter how confident people look on the outside or how great their cv may be, deep down everybody's struggling with the same questions: "will this person like me? I dont know anyone. Shit shit shit shit shit."

later, I'm going shopping.

Wikipedia

is saving my graduate student ass. :P

It's so cold. Really. Freezing. I wake up cold and hungry and even though i eat two hours before i sleep, my last thought before falling asleep is usually about how hungry and cold i am and how a steaming plate of nasi kandar would be just perfect... i had visions of nasi kunyit with tandoori chicken last night. terrible terrible. I need to put in a request for a fireplace. Or a hot warm male. hehe. not. Ahhh.. I miss Patrick. Now he would be perfect.

Coming up this week: study groups, french test tomorrow, meeting wednesday, presentation thursday, ethopian dinner with coursemates on thursday, planned dinner with F, and finally, *ehhem*: Richard II, one opera, one india talk and two jazz concerts with S throughout this week. can't wait. lol. :) i feel like a lovesick teenager writing stuff like that down here. lol. only im not lovesick, neither am i a teenager. :D

Dear S..

So my five neighbours are talking about us. lol.

not only are they talking, they are also scheming big time to either 1. speed things up, or 2. find out what the hell is going on. hahaha. E wants to ask you point black, what's up with you and me. V wants us to spend less time together especially if we're gonna be "just friends" because according to developmental economics, our current trend is unsustainable in the long run. O suggests the three guys dress up in a black disguise, then jump on me while im with you, cos hopefully you will be all protective and rescue me and it'll be the most romantic thing ever and we can finally get on with it. lol. HAHAHHA.. it's funny.
sweet and funny.

ok so, my thing is, i'm completely great at being just friends and i guess i want it to stay that way.. cos as much as i like you, you will come at a price that i can't afford or am not willing to pay. :)

so don't take them too seriously.. no matter what their intentions may be. And maybe one day we might end up talking about "us".. or we won't ever. but whether that day comes or not, i'm not in a hurry to rush anything and i'm pretty content for things to remain as they are.. :)

but i do care about you..naturally. cos you're my friend and i generally love my friends and treat them great. :) lol. with a few exceptions of course. *grin*.

xxx

g.

i am..

having the nicest time.

:)

could not ask for more. lol.

Basta! :)

Two books came for me in the mail. The first is called "Late victorian holocausts: El Nino Famine and the Making of the Third World", which talks about draught and famine in India at the turn of the 20th century and how it was actually the fault of policy makers (ie, the British colonizers in India) who prioritized profits over people, that resulted in millions of Indians dying of hunger. Great book. Eye opener. Read it if you have the chance to.

Second book is a worn-out second-hand copy of Marianne Williamson's, "A return to love". :)

Just finished a presentation this morning and slept one hour last night as a result of hyper-procrastination on said presentation and subsequent essay due tomorrow. lol. And i'm still not done with the essay yet. But things are looking great. I know what I'm gonna write and I have it all in my head.. my fingers are just not cooperating. That, and I'm trying to decide whether to sleep, then wake up to write, or write now, then sleep. Oh but I'm going for the ballet "La Sylphide" at 7:30 later with S.. so that's another event on the agenda today.

I'm just so grateful to be here. Having great opportunities and the chance to learn different stuff, meet great people, make new friends and basically, live! Still unbelievable to me, sometimes, at how everything just falls into place, in spite of me being anal and worked up over much stuff. It's just amazing to see how God has been so faithful in just about EVERYTHING. I have, honestly truly, no complaints. lol. :) I just pray that I'll be able to build meaningful relationships with the people around me... which is going pretty well really.. i have some jolly good friends here, truly. :) (And all this in just about 1.5 months of being here..lol.. now that HAS to be God... and the fact that Malaysians are great cooks and our food always taste good cos everybody else's basically suck. lol.) Ok, so I have not been cooking for the whole hall.. but i must say I have pretty decent communal neighbours and we somehow gravitate towards each other especially late at night for some mini impromptu parties and funny meaningless conversation. And sometimes of course, we talk about "world affairs".. lol. My trick is to just read the Economist faithfully and recount everything it said in the previous week's edition. Hehe.

School's coming along too. I think I've gotten over initial self-doubt and am now pretty psyched to finish readings and talk about current topics in confident intelligent fashion. When in doubt, use big words to confuse everyone. lol.

I must say I do like it here A LOT, and there's no where else I'd rather be at this point in time.

"OF COURSE LAH, IT'S LONDON MAHHH!!! LSE YOU KNOWWWWW!!!"

lol.

love to all.

Over the weekend, I..

1. Attended "Hillsong women unplugged", featuring guest speakers Bobbie Houston and Christine Caine. It was great, even if i ended up eating tons of chocolates. I think I might be attending this church regularly after all, simply cos there are more people my age there and it's more economical - a 15-minute walk compared to a 4.70quid day travelcard. And the guys are cuter. :) lol. Oh, and delirious will be coming in two weeks to lead worship at their 6pm service. Groovy.

2. Went for guy fawkes day fireworks show with some people from my hall. Walked past st paul's cathedral (which i saw for the first time) to the millenium bridge talking with VERY cute guy from bermuda.. only to find out later that he was just recently attached with some other bermuda-ian girl whom he just met last week..Hmmph. Fireworks was pretty although i expected more than just splashes and bursts of light.. was hoping for "HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY" or "HI GRACE" or something to be written in the air. But it was fun, even if it was cold. We then went to the oldest english pub (1667) on the Strand and finally ended the night with impromptu cheese and chocolate eating session in my neighbour O's room. Got to know my floormates even better and so that was great.

3. Went with floormates for a food fair at Covent Garden for lunch. They had a variety of gourmet cheeses, meats, liquor, bread, dips, snacks, and pies and we sampled everything that could be sampled, ate some morrocan food and a venison burger each and was quite stuffed after that.

4. Had anna from KT over for dinner on Friday night with V and we had the whole dining thing going with candlelight and wine and talked about everything and it was great cos i've not seen anna in a few weeks and she is one really interesting chick who can talk forever.

4. And now, V is rushing for an essay due today. (Overdue even as i'm writing this), i'm reading for tuesday seminar and formulating yet another essay due thursday (but i'm hoping to finish it earlier cos S and I are going for a ballet on Wednesday night) and drinking coffee and tea while nursing a sore throat. :)

And i'm still trying to understand modern world history and economic concepts. This world is too complicated. Keep it simple, I say.

So..

"The secret of success is to realize that the crisis on our planet is much larger than just deciding what to do with your own life, and if the system under which we live --- the structure of western civilization --- begins to collapse because of our selfishness and greed, then it will make no difference whether you have $1 million dollars when the crash comes or just $1.00. The only work that will ultimately bring any good to any of us is the work of contributing to the healing of the world. The prayer has to be, Dear God, how can I help this world through this very difficult time of transition, through this urgent crisis?"

Marianne Williamson, in an interview

***

I think I might be getting it after all.

and i miss..

Patrick.

Happy Birthday Rach!!

my sister she's 19 now. Woohoo.. one more year of teen-hood. :)

unless she's 20 and i can't count.

what the heck, HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACH BABE DA BABE!!!

*muacks*

New Word of the Day

Animadverting
- "To remark or comment critically, usually with strong disapproval or censure: “a man... who animadverts on miserly patients, egocentric doctors, psychoanalysis and Lucky Luciano with evenhanded fervor” (Irwin Faust)."
http://www.dictionary.com

Seriously, i have NEVER heard of that word before. Have you?
Tell me i'm not the only one..

Drained.

attended a talk on chinese nationalism today that triggered a lot of emotional responses and existential questions about the whole "China-chinese-thing".

Had good run across wateloo bridge after, which does wonders for mind, body and soul.

and then had good curry. :)

and now going to sleep. will worry about reading lists tomorrow. i.am. tired.

I think I'm in love

with my own cooking.

Really, there's nothing like cooking oneself a nice good hot meal and devouring whole said meal by oneself. *burp*

***

Today was a day of firsts. First french class of the year, which turned out to be pretty ok. The kids in my class are really lepak and we had a lot of laughs at each other and the whole francophile jigga-watchamanacallit-thingy. No pressure learning. I think i can handle two hours of that each week, even if it'll only serve as a distraction from the other more "serious" classes.

First time on Baker Street. Went there to participate in a decision making research exercise (another first). One hour of answering questionnaires made me richer by 20 quid. :) About time too cos I had just ran out of loose cash and was determined not to withdraw unless absolutely necessary. Also met this girl at the study who was in my earlier french class, who also (horrors) turned out to be American. I'm telling you, I feel like I'm being watched by the CIA or something. These americans.. they are EVERYWHERE. Well we took bus back together and it was fun having someone to talk to. :)

Today also, I took out my gloves cause it was way too cold for my fingers. I don't know if it's just me that's feeling the cold, or if it's really cold in general. Cos orang lain nampak macam biasa lepak aje. :P

But tomorrow.. ah.. tomorrow i get to see S.

And tomorrow evening, i start 5 weeks of dance classes. lol.

For now, it's back to the books..