wanderings

so here i am, writing my first post of the year. i don't want to think about writing. times like these, the organization of sentences, coherence of thought and rules of proper grammar just will not apply. i wish i could just throw my constipated-ness to the wind and let all the pent-up emotions, feelings and thoughts of the past months out through words. on this blog. and perhaps after that catharsis, my soul will breathe again, finding pockets of air through the heaviness that sometimes threaten to smother the life out of my being.

i am weary, through troubles and anxieties and fears that are not even completely mine. I can't even put the blame on one particular incident. it's just the culmination of so many "events" that has happened to me and the people around me, that, were i to be a true pessimist, can only result in the following conclusions:
1. there are no good guys left.
2. most guys are jerks
3. there's so much sadness and suffering and not much solutions for a dying world.
4. life. is. pretty much. hopeless.

and then i read the bible and i do find hope and comfort in its words.. and i so want to make it relevant to the world in general. yet it's so hard to reconcile the reality of the world and the reality of the truth that i find in God.. and perhaps there is no reconciliation ever because one might as well talk about the difference between death and life.

Still, life has to find its way into death. And more than ever, it's so clear that the only hope for a dying people is for life to be breathed into lifelessness. For how can i find hope from and for myself, when in and out of myself, there is no hope to give? I need the source of Life. Ah let me live again! Let the world live again. On my own, I just can't handle the sadness that i feel, so real and manifested in all the harshness that we call "life".

***

I think I have lost bits and pieces of my heart. I need to get it back in one piece. I need to fully believe again.