actions and what they mean

it's not that i chose to do what i did. it's more like a natural outcome of who i am. i can't make myself do something while feeling as though i'm seriously compromising me. and if i did force myself, it'd be so pretentious you wouldn't want that anyway, would you? so there..i feel like i'm caught in a no-brainer situation. on the one hand, i could pretend and it'd seem like everything's dine and fandies but inside i'd be dying. on the other hand, i could do what i really wanna do and you might not like that at all but it'd be me and it'd be better than living a lie. so there.