dawn

i'm up with a cold that i caught while out in the rain over the weekend. fried some venison meat for dinner but just couldn't stomach it so it's now sitting in the fridge and dinner didn't stay down either. so now i'm hungry, i'm cold, i have a slight fever and i'm deciding whether or not to go for french class tomorrow. i just skimmed through a book that i bought recently on ebay, called "culture and public action" and my only regret is that i didn't buy it earlier. i feel as though i can't write anymore. the words just won't come out. i'm thinking, instead of writing. stuck. constipated. that's bad no? i blame it on endless academic essays and microsoft word grammar and sentence checks. completely ruins style.

a few nights ago i dreamt someone said the perfect sentence. i recalled making numerous mental notes in my half-awake state to remember it verbatim, but now i can't even remember what it's about. but oh, the feeling of making the perfect sentence!! that i still remember.. :)

i'm beginning to view "progress" as a journeying process that do not involve the conscious act of learning alone, but the subconscious internalization and embodiment of modes of behavior and patterns of thought processes from an atmosphere alive and vibrant with new ideas and opposing paradigms... and despite my initial stuttering and half-baked attempts to express my underdeveloped thoughts, i find myself now, further down the road, at a point where the stuttering is less pronounced and what seemed like an impossible goal at the beginning now becomes clearer and within reach: the ability to construct and succesfully defend an argument in a more sophisticated manner. lol. :D

apparently that's what it all boils down to. it ain't matter what other people think is right. you just gotta figure out whatcha think works for you and why you thinkit and defend your ground till the end. steadfast, unwavering, immovable... in the face of 10001 other voices. apparently, quality is secondary, it's who says it and how loud and strong he or she says it that matter more. i think that's all bullshit of course but perhaps that's why god's so easy to miss.. coz daily reminders of god can be so subtle: a loving gesture, an unexpected kind word, unexplainable joy..

so at times, it is amidst the cacophony of voices all screaming for my attention that i strain to hear but sometimes miss, the gentle steady whisper(er)... where is my god? Ahh....

"His sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

baa..