For You

Once, after Pushkin
by Carol Rumens

I loved you once
D'you hear a small "I love you"
Each time we're forced to meet?
Don't groan, don't hide!
A damaged tree can live without a bud:
No one need break the branches and uncover
The green that should have danced, dying inside
I loved you, knowing I'd never be your lover
And now? I wish you summers of leaf-shine
And leaf-shade, and a face in dreams above you
As tender and as innocent as mine.

Jesus Is

"the visible image of the invisible God."
Colossians 1:15

groovy.

i can't wait for christmas. :)

winter

stark and barren
wintry trees
remind me of ashes
that were my dreams

i sit
and wish

that you were never there.

Happy Birthday Me!!

At the start of my 24th year..
World Changing Accomplishments: 0
Current boyfriends: 0
Cars: 0
Credit Card: 0
Condo: 0
Career: 0
Cash: not much
Happiness Rating: 10!!!

woohooo..

Roma, Firenze, Pisa, Venezia

So here are some pictures from l'italia, taken from my trusty 1.3 megapixel Nokia 6230i, which can take up to 200 pictures and 25sec video clips. :)


Me in front of the Coliseum, Roma.


Firenze. Pretty no? Quite lovely for honeymooning. And the shopping? They'll make you offers you can't refuse.


Pisa Tower. :)


Venezia. Pretty. And expensive.

I think my favourite was Florence. :) Hopefully next time around, i'll get to explore the countryside instead of the main touristy cities. Gotta brush up on italian though. Yet another thing to do before i reach 30.

Ciao!

141 Drury Lane

it's good to be back. really. i think i've fulfilled my travelling quota for the year.. no wait, there's spain in 10 days time.
ok, but, at the very least. i'm done walking for the rest of the week. my feet are just about worn off.
:P

ps: pictures soon!! :)
ps2: london's still pretty rockin. at least people here speak english. :)

florence

is so pretty and i just spent a LOT of money on shopping.
it's so romantic here.. and peaceful.. just beautiful. stuff of dreams. lol.

Prego!

Hi from Rome. it's quite awe-inspiring. must be hard for italians to live under the shadow of such grandeur:)

can't believe i'm here. hahaha.

god is so awesome.

next stops: florence, pisa, venice.

mwah.

new song

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll Stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

***

team houston rocks.

V's bday

It was, a great party. :)

..

It feels like i've been here forever when actually, i've only been here less than 3 months and out of that, only two months in school. But in everything, I still believe God is working.. somehow.. even if I've been rather naughty and neglectful of the "fellowship of the body of believers". But then I just trust that he works not based on who i am or what i do, but simply because He is what He is, and I just gotta trust the heart of the Father even if i don't understand the workings of His hand at times.

I finally dropped the half-unit course that I've felt have been really unhelpful during this term after weeks of agonizing over the decision. Carried the "drop-form" in my bag for days before finally chucking it into the box at Students' Services. Yesterday I checked my online status and the good news is that they allowed me to drop it even in the 8th week of term. The bad news is that I have to take two half-unit courses next term, which means extra work. The other good news is that the courses are about stuff that I care about currently (and hopefully will care about next term as well), taught by decent professors and hence those two factors will be motivation enough.

Newly discovered resources: The School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS) library and the University of London Library which, together with the LSE library carry just about all the books in the world. I found so many books (outside my required reading list) that I've been looking for ages, like, for example, the personal letters and diaries of David Livingstone, the Father Brown collection by Chesterton, Chinese Classics translated into English by James Legge, and a whole lot of other works from world history to literature and beyond beyond beyonddddddd that i can't wait to sink my teeth into. And that's motivating me to get my required reading list out of the way so I can start on my extra-curricular list. Wooohooo... :) i love london.

Ok so. I was just thinking about how things turn out. Most of the time, we start out on a new road purposefully with a "to-do" list which sometimes can turn out to be a very anal "must-do list". And even if all the signs and hints (from above and below) are pointing us in a different direction, sometimes we can be so adamant and set in our ways. While being focused on the goal is a great thing, having a bit of "flexibility" (without of course, being wishy-washy and fickle) to make changes when necessary is something which i have to continually keep in mind. lol. The tricky part is, of course, knowing when to stick with the plan, and when to change. That's where prayer and God comes in I guess.

At any rate, I'd like to think that there's nothing too bad that cannot be undone. And no experience is ever a waste, even if it may seem like "big mistakes" at that moment. The end of a thing is always the beginning of something new. :)

moving right along.

ps: if all goes according to plan, i'll be taking up *ehhem* women rugby soon. lol.

Waiting for answers to life's current most important questions

Will it snow today?

Will it snow this week?

Will it snow at all in London?

Can I play in the snow if it snows?

Will it snow at Warwick this Saturday?

Will we play in the snow if it snows at Warwick this Saturday?

How cold will it be if it snows?

k and my lack

k says: (17:20:50)
let me be your inspiration

k says: (17:20:50)
hahaha

g. says: (17:20:54)
yeah

g. says: (17:21:11)
inspire me to do what?

g. says: (17:21:16)
there're different kinds of inspiration

k says: (17:21:22)
anything you want

k says: (17:21:29)
any kind of inspiration

g. says: (17:21:30)
that's a toughie

k says: (17:21:47)
i can even inspire you to talk in points and citations

g. says: (17:22:32)
i don't wanna talk with points and citations

g. says: (17:22:37)
i wanna talk with passion and feeling

g. says: (17:22:52)
anybody who reads can talk in points and citations

g. says: (17:23:04)
but you need to be inspired to talk with passion

g. says: (17:23:15)
unless you're inspired to talk in points and citations
***

i'm losing it. sigh.

from papa marx

Segui il tuo corso; e lascia dir le genti.
- Follow your own bent, and let people say what they will.

some pictures from our hall's halloween party

Top: Olympio and the Girls
Bottom: My Neighbours Who Are Quite Mental

White China

So after standing in line for 1.5 hours with our feet and fingers steadily turning into ice in the early London winter, me, V and E decided to call it quits and head home.

K, on the other hand, decided to pursue the china white dream because "it's so close.. so close to the door.." and insisting that "I'm not doing something for nothing". So we left him, and trudged back to Drury Lane. V and E were flirting with each other so i guess they didn't care whether or not they were in china white or out of china white, and they later finished a bottle of wine downstairs while watching West Wing.

Me, i just wanted to go home and study for my french test and do my readings or sit in solitude and write in my journal because i'm quite tired of going out and hanging around people, and my insides are all out of equilibrium and need some realigning but i don't know where or how to start putting my house in order.

And damnit, it's so cold, too. I switched on the stove and the table lamp to generate more heat but it doesn't seem to be working and i think my heater's just being funky cos it's definitely warmer in the other rooms. Mine's officially the coldest and i can't seem to figure out why.

And now that i've read about five pages and amartya sen's mini biography online, i'm quite ready to sleep. I still haven't read for french. Maybe i'll do it tomorrow morning. Yet something tells me that I'll probably only do it an hour before class cos i don't seem to care anymore. It's terrible.

But here's something from Sen which i really like, from his book on famine: "Starvation is the characteristic of some people not having enough food to eat. It is not the characteristic of there being not enough food to eat."

China White

I have been "coerced" into going to this club, called China White.

I have a French test tomorrow and I haven't studied for it.

I have a seminar tomorrow and I haven't finish reading the stuff necessary to make intellectual comments in class.

I have to go.

S is not going.

Back to Earth

To Do:

1. Join connect group in church
2. Keep track of classes and reading lists
3. Pay attention in class and read listed material
4. Buy a highlighter
5. Make notes
6. Spend time at the library
7. Focus focus focus

ARGGHHHhHhHHH!!

yawn..

i should change my sleeping habits. 10am is turning out to be too early. doesn't help too that it's so cold. really. cold.
ARGH.

OVERKILL

that's what it is.

sigh.

Have you even been out on a one-to-one "date" with a person and for some weird reason or other, you have absolutely NOTHING to say?

see, i've never had that problem much before. Usually it's pretty easy making conversation.. for me at least.. but the past few days, conversations with S have really been not so hot. talk about awkward moments. lol. i think i'm getting bored.

either that, or the triple combination of him being 1, male; 2, wasp and preppy and 3, buddhist; is a mix that i can't realistically handle.

Chasing Time

Went for an ethiopian dinner with anthropology mates. Was really great cos got to mingle and get to know some of the kids in my class whom i wouldn't have find the time to get to know otherwise. Food was great too even if a little pricey. But ah well, everything here's pricey and if i were to keep thinking that way, I won't be eating at all.

Had presentation with Michael the german who basically just talked the time away while i sat beside him and looked pretty. :)

an essetial: friends. As individualistic as we'd like to be, the fact is that no man's an island. and it doesn't matter how smart or hot you are, the reality is that we need people whom we can connect with to add meaning and spice to life. And no matter how confident people look on the outside or how great their cv may be, deep down everybody's struggling with the same questions: "will this person like me? I dont know anyone. Shit shit shit shit shit."

later, I'm going shopping.

Wikipedia

is saving my graduate student ass. :P

It's so cold. Really. Freezing. I wake up cold and hungry and even though i eat two hours before i sleep, my last thought before falling asleep is usually about how hungry and cold i am and how a steaming plate of nasi kandar would be just perfect... i had visions of nasi kunyit with tandoori chicken last night. terrible terrible. I need to put in a request for a fireplace. Or a hot warm male. hehe. not. Ahhh.. I miss Patrick. Now he would be perfect.

Coming up this week: study groups, french test tomorrow, meeting wednesday, presentation thursday, ethopian dinner with coursemates on thursday, planned dinner with F, and finally, *ehhem*: Richard II, one opera, one india talk and two jazz concerts with S throughout this week. can't wait. lol. :) i feel like a lovesick teenager writing stuff like that down here. lol. only im not lovesick, neither am i a teenager. :D

Dear S..

So my five neighbours are talking about us. lol.

not only are they talking, they are also scheming big time to either 1. speed things up, or 2. find out what the hell is going on. hahaha. E wants to ask you point black, what's up with you and me. V wants us to spend less time together especially if we're gonna be "just friends" because according to developmental economics, our current trend is unsustainable in the long run. O suggests the three guys dress up in a black disguise, then jump on me while im with you, cos hopefully you will be all protective and rescue me and it'll be the most romantic thing ever and we can finally get on with it. lol. HAHAHHA.. it's funny.
sweet and funny.

ok so, my thing is, i'm completely great at being just friends and i guess i want it to stay that way.. cos as much as i like you, you will come at a price that i can't afford or am not willing to pay. :)

so don't take them too seriously.. no matter what their intentions may be. And maybe one day we might end up talking about "us".. or we won't ever. but whether that day comes or not, i'm not in a hurry to rush anything and i'm pretty content for things to remain as they are.. :)

but i do care about you..naturally. cos you're my friend and i generally love my friends and treat them great. :) lol. with a few exceptions of course. *grin*.

xxx

g.

i am..

having the nicest time.

:)

could not ask for more. lol.

Basta! :)

Two books came for me in the mail. The first is called "Late victorian holocausts: El Nino Famine and the Making of the Third World", which talks about draught and famine in India at the turn of the 20th century and how it was actually the fault of policy makers (ie, the British colonizers in India) who prioritized profits over people, that resulted in millions of Indians dying of hunger. Great book. Eye opener. Read it if you have the chance to.

Second book is a worn-out second-hand copy of Marianne Williamson's, "A return to love". :)

Just finished a presentation this morning and slept one hour last night as a result of hyper-procrastination on said presentation and subsequent essay due tomorrow. lol. And i'm still not done with the essay yet. But things are looking great. I know what I'm gonna write and I have it all in my head.. my fingers are just not cooperating. That, and I'm trying to decide whether to sleep, then wake up to write, or write now, then sleep. Oh but I'm going for the ballet "La Sylphide" at 7:30 later with S.. so that's another event on the agenda today.

I'm just so grateful to be here. Having great opportunities and the chance to learn different stuff, meet great people, make new friends and basically, live! Still unbelievable to me, sometimes, at how everything just falls into place, in spite of me being anal and worked up over much stuff. It's just amazing to see how God has been so faithful in just about EVERYTHING. I have, honestly truly, no complaints. lol. :) I just pray that I'll be able to build meaningful relationships with the people around me... which is going pretty well really.. i have some jolly good friends here, truly. :) (And all this in just about 1.5 months of being here..lol.. now that HAS to be God... and the fact that Malaysians are great cooks and our food always taste good cos everybody else's basically suck. lol.) Ok, so I have not been cooking for the whole hall.. but i must say I have pretty decent communal neighbours and we somehow gravitate towards each other especially late at night for some mini impromptu parties and funny meaningless conversation. And sometimes of course, we talk about "world affairs".. lol. My trick is to just read the Economist faithfully and recount everything it said in the previous week's edition. Hehe.

School's coming along too. I think I've gotten over initial self-doubt and am now pretty psyched to finish readings and talk about current topics in confident intelligent fashion. When in doubt, use big words to confuse everyone. lol.

I must say I do like it here A LOT, and there's no where else I'd rather be at this point in time.

"OF COURSE LAH, IT'S LONDON MAHHH!!! LSE YOU KNOWWWWW!!!"

lol.

love to all.

Over the weekend, I..

1. Attended "Hillsong women unplugged", featuring guest speakers Bobbie Houston and Christine Caine. It was great, even if i ended up eating tons of chocolates. I think I might be attending this church regularly after all, simply cos there are more people my age there and it's more economical - a 15-minute walk compared to a 4.70quid day travelcard. And the guys are cuter. :) lol. Oh, and delirious will be coming in two weeks to lead worship at their 6pm service. Groovy.

2. Went for guy fawkes day fireworks show with some people from my hall. Walked past st paul's cathedral (which i saw for the first time) to the millenium bridge talking with VERY cute guy from bermuda.. only to find out later that he was just recently attached with some other bermuda-ian girl whom he just met last week..Hmmph. Fireworks was pretty although i expected more than just splashes and bursts of light.. was hoping for "HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY" or "HI GRACE" or something to be written in the air. But it was fun, even if it was cold. We then went to the oldest english pub (1667) on the Strand and finally ended the night with impromptu cheese and chocolate eating session in my neighbour O's room. Got to know my floormates even better and so that was great.

3. Went with floormates for a food fair at Covent Garden for lunch. They had a variety of gourmet cheeses, meats, liquor, bread, dips, snacks, and pies and we sampled everything that could be sampled, ate some morrocan food and a venison burger each and was quite stuffed after that.

4. Had anna from KT over for dinner on Friday night with V and we had the whole dining thing going with candlelight and wine and talked about everything and it was great cos i've not seen anna in a few weeks and she is one really interesting chick who can talk forever.

4. And now, V is rushing for an essay due today. (Overdue even as i'm writing this), i'm reading for tuesday seminar and formulating yet another essay due thursday (but i'm hoping to finish it earlier cos S and I are going for a ballet on Wednesday night) and drinking coffee and tea while nursing a sore throat. :)

And i'm still trying to understand modern world history and economic concepts. This world is too complicated. Keep it simple, I say.

So..

"The secret of success is to realize that the crisis on our planet is much larger than just deciding what to do with your own life, and if the system under which we live --- the structure of western civilization --- begins to collapse because of our selfishness and greed, then it will make no difference whether you have $1 million dollars when the crash comes or just $1.00. The only work that will ultimately bring any good to any of us is the work of contributing to the healing of the world. The prayer has to be, Dear God, how can I help this world through this very difficult time of transition, through this urgent crisis?"

Marianne Williamson, in an interview

***

I think I might be getting it after all.

and i miss..

Patrick.

Happy Birthday Rach!!

my sister she's 19 now. Woohoo.. one more year of teen-hood. :)

unless she's 20 and i can't count.

what the heck, HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACH BABE DA BABE!!!

*muacks*

New Word of the Day

Animadverting
- "To remark or comment critically, usually with strong disapproval or censure: “a man... who animadverts on miserly patients, egocentric doctors, psychoanalysis and Lucky Luciano with evenhanded fervor” (Irwin Faust)."
http://www.dictionary.com

Seriously, i have NEVER heard of that word before. Have you?
Tell me i'm not the only one..

Drained.

attended a talk on chinese nationalism today that triggered a lot of emotional responses and existential questions about the whole "China-chinese-thing".

Had good run across wateloo bridge after, which does wonders for mind, body and soul.

and then had good curry. :)

and now going to sleep. will worry about reading lists tomorrow. i.am. tired.

I think I'm in love

with my own cooking.

Really, there's nothing like cooking oneself a nice good hot meal and devouring whole said meal by oneself. *burp*

***

Today was a day of firsts. First french class of the year, which turned out to be pretty ok. The kids in my class are really lepak and we had a lot of laughs at each other and the whole francophile jigga-watchamanacallit-thingy. No pressure learning. I think i can handle two hours of that each week, even if it'll only serve as a distraction from the other more "serious" classes.

First time on Baker Street. Went there to participate in a decision making research exercise (another first). One hour of answering questionnaires made me richer by 20 quid. :) About time too cos I had just ran out of loose cash and was determined not to withdraw unless absolutely necessary. Also met this girl at the study who was in my earlier french class, who also (horrors) turned out to be American. I'm telling you, I feel like I'm being watched by the CIA or something. These americans.. they are EVERYWHERE. Well we took bus back together and it was fun having someone to talk to. :)

Today also, I took out my gloves cause it was way too cold for my fingers. I don't know if it's just me that's feeling the cold, or if it's really cold in general. Cos orang lain nampak macam biasa lepak aje. :P

But tomorrow.. ah.. tomorrow i get to see S.

And tomorrow evening, i start 5 weeks of dance classes. lol.

For now, it's back to the books..

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

I love the weekdays cause it brings along with it a sense of "purpose" - go to school, sit through lectures, study, talk about classes, subjects - which drains me of all mental energy by the time i'm back in my room, yet renews me with happy content feeling knowing that i have achieved some kind of progress as a human being. :P

or regress, depending on your point of view.

Today we had a guest speaker on globalisation and nationalism who was (for once) really articulate about his views and made pretty convincing arguments about the collapse of globalisation and the rise of nationalism... even if he did call Mahatir a racist. Although I really can't see how or why Dr M should be labelled as such.

I also dropped by soas and registered at its library, and whoa but soas is one hell of a lepak school. The pace is visibly slower, security is friendly, kids there are more grungy-looking and probably more leftist-inclined compared to the future investment bankers and financial consultants in this part of zone 1.

yet as much as i hate the idea of making money being the end of all, it does help to have a rich school with great facilities where everything's automated and computerized and "on the system".. until the system breaks down and isn't working.. which, thank god, has yet to happen. My microwave cum oven cum grill broke down but that's beside the point.

so in conclusion, and i don't know if this point is worth making, but i am tired and i just want to sleep but i have yet one more article to read and so i will go after making this point, which is: I think I like my school after all, posh snobs and capitalists aside. :) And while the teaching-system itself leaves much to be desired, we do have some pretty interesting people coming our way to give talks and chit-chat with the students. And that is, wow.. pretty wow.

random fact: i'm finding that bach makes excellent study music. :)

salvation is near

And as usual, it didn't take much (church, or god specifically) to slap me into alignment. :)

had an amazing speaker in church today, mal fletcher, who addressed some very important metaphysical issues that i've been dealing with: why am i here? what's my role? how am i to live my life?

So perhaps i still don't have definite answers to many of my questions, but at least now my heart and soul is set on a higher course. The Word today help clear away some cobwebs, and my mind is renewed.

And in that light, all my worries and obssessions about school (and S) begin to fade away. Negligeble, coz my redeemer lives and because of that, I am too cool. :D

***

Note to self: stay away from benjy's. 1 quid is too big a price to pay for bad food.

saturday night blues

I’m just a kid and life is a nighmare
I’m just a kid and I know that it’s not fair
Nobody cares cause I’m alone and the world
Is havin’ more fun then me
- Simple Plan, "I'm just a kid"

I hate saturday nights, i really do. If anything, it just highlights the fact that:

a) I have no life out of school.
b) I have no friends. (ok slightly exeggerated here but that's how it feels like.. today at least)
c) S is an idiot.
d) I have no money (to watch a west end show or get entertained or something).
e) S is an idiot.

Ok so it's not all about S. Truth is, this saturday's extra boring cos V's boyfriend is here and she's spending time with him instead of entertaining me. Not that I need to be constantly entertained, although i do feel extremely childish, especially after S tells me he has read two books today plus everything on his list except one article, and is soon gonna take a break to do Chinese calligraphy or watch a Korean movie which he just downloaded.

Me, I woke up after noon, went to Chinatown, spent money buying teapot, teacups, seaweed (??) plus grocery shopping at tesco's till about 5, had dinner, and now i that I've just finished arranging my notes from weeks1-4, i'm having quite the shock realizing that i'm way way wayyy behind in ALL my reading lists and now wonder where all the time went to. :(

ok so maybe what i really want is for S to come over and watch the korean movie with me. Or for S to suggest doing something, or for S to... hehehe.. you see where this is going, don't ya? Which leads me to the conclusion that 1) S is an idiot; 2) I need a life outside S; 3) Saturday nights should be shot dead; 4) i need to grow up, and 5) Good thing S doesn't know about this blog. lol.

And now i'm gonna tabulate the number of pages i have to read for this week...

sigh.

Weekend Happenings (NOT)

I'm not used to being a student just yet. Full-time student. gulp. Studying is what I do.. or am supposed to be doing at any rate. Only I live as though I've all the time in the world.. and all the money in the world too. Just went today and got myself a chinese teapot with four cups. :D Explored Chinatown and was tempted on many occassions to make unnecessary purchases, only to stop myself just in time when I think about my bank balance.

I'm inclined to think S an idiot for not asking me out for the weekend. Then I realize that he, way more than me, is taking his full-time student role really seriously, and the only consolation I have is that he's not asking anyone else out. :D But, we're going to the London Jazz Festival so that's something to look forward to. :D

Meanwhile, there's S2, my tutorial partner who's also american and who speaks Indonesian and Chinese and him, i sincerely like, even though again, he's american. Anyhow we're connecting over nerd-talk and as much as i wish I had more of a life out of school, it's not too bad.

ok, so, it's saturday night, and i'm gonna work on my reading list. blek.

Approaching the end of Week 4

Went to a hall party today. Felt just about right cause been working on essays and presentation since last week and had no time for "proper" fun time without feelings of guilt. Granted, I have another presentation next week and a few more essays but all in its time, kan? Party was not too boring and not too wild either, it being a postgrad hall and all. It was a general get-together for the hall more than anything else. Managed to connect with some pretty nice people from upstairs (i live on the ground floor) who were, incidentally, all americans. (what are the chances, really?)

V (my neighbour) and I are fast becoming really good friends. She's Russian, but grew up in Poland, went to college in Holland and studied abroad in New Zealand. She speaks five european languages fluently, has an economics background, super smart, widely travelled, and basically all-round cool chick. We get along well and me and her.. despite originating from opposite ends of the globe. I quite happy. I like. :)

So Grosvenor House has turned out to be more than what I expected. V and I are the more outgoing girls on ground floor "main street". The rest of the girls live right at the back, and our guy neighbours are really hilarious. Am so glad I chose to remain here instead of moving elsewhere or out. Nothing beats waking up half an hour before class, and finishing essays just before deadline knowing that it's only 3 minutes to school. Too spoilt I am. Also saving much on transport costs.. and having more time to procrastinate since I don't have to endure long bus rides and claustraphobic tube rides, should I had lived somewhere further. :)

Meanwhile, S. S accompanied me on long tube ride on weds to heathrow to send Jaime off, after which we went to Chinatown for dinner and then back to my place for a bit before he left so I could finish my essay. I think we're also fast becoming real good friends and more than anything else I want to keep it that way. So.. that's all about S. For now. :D (well that's all i'm telling anyway. *wink* hehe)

I've been building up a sleep deficit. Bad thing is that when I do try to get to bed, I can't fall asleep cos my mind is racing at a million light years an hour and there's no rest for this body. Soul's pretty happy though, so I guess when that's the case, the body will somehow catch up.

Ah well, weekend is in sight. There is hope. :)

Therapy is..

1. Walking on the Waterloo bridge.

2. Meeting up with Aunty Wai for a cuppa.. even if the endless reading lists still exist, it's always worth seating with her to catch up. :D

3. Sleeping

***

My presentation went well, and I got my first indictively-graded essay back. Wasn't too bad, considering that it was written in one setting once. :D I guess I won't be repeating after all. Hehhe.

Aunty Wai so graciously printed out all my readings right up to Week 6, which took up about 500 pages in total and saved me a LOT of money. Nice to have own personal printing press, courtesy of King's College, London. Oh and she's into photocopying too. lol. :)

We're making plans for birthdays, Christmas and the theatre. I'm superly excited. :D

***

English names of places that never fail to make me laugh
1. Barking
2. Penge
3. Elephant and Castle

and my personal favourite,

4. Cockfosters.

:D

Curahee

Ok so, it's 3am and I can't sleep. My head's spinning with thoughts of what I'm gonna do tomorrow during my presentation. Also have another essay due on Thursday at noon but the good news is, I think i've gotten over my initial spell of procrastination and mental-block and now it doesn't seem too difficult. I think the trick is to stop obssessing about it, but to just do it... even if the reading lists are endless and you can study all day and night but still have loads to do. At least right now I'm not paralyzed by fear (or whatever it was that was stopping me from moving on earlier) anymore.

And i think i can now bluff my way through a conversation or essay with enough economics jargon to just about sound intellectual (to a non-economist). :D

Been having some metaphysical issues with classical theoriests who don't believe in the supernatural. The trouble is that we're forced to study what they say and to almost accept it for a fact, even if we don't necessarily subscribe to it. Doesn't help too that when someone tries to rationalize religion, it sounds almost incredible and it's hard to take them seriously. (maybe it's just my background) I still think I'd rather read sufi poetry than a dry dissertation on primitive religions. Am beginning to suspect that you won't make a very successful anthropologist unless you completely discount the existence of God. Yet I refuse to give up believing in magic.

The school is limiting in the sense that it just teaches you what is considered facts (or truth) to them, and we're hardly encouraged any other alternative. I was talking with two friends (whom i just met and whom will probably be featured more regularly in my life cos they're just great people) and they're both having the same problem subscribing to some of the things taught in this place. One thing we agreed upon, was that the profs here sure do not care about the education of the individual as a person. Seems like what is more important is that you learn enough (tricks and skills included) to get you into some high-flying-paying job in the future (no doubt the brand name will carry some weight there), oh, and to of course, pass your exams. But screw ethics and values and whatever else. It's a dog-eat-dog world lady so get your teeth in order. Growl..

yea whatever. The trick is to get my mind around understanding that I'm studying classical theorists within the context of their cosmology, not as a matter of my life and death. A mental detachment from my soul. Maybe I've always considered education a holistic thing, and that's why it's so difficult here cos it's just a lot of mental exercise (which to be fair, God knows I do need). :) It's especially disconcerting when the subject matter starts getting personal, and you are forced to look at it from a detached "intellectual" state and theorize about winners and losers in a capitalist society from an eurocentric position.. Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong school. Perhaps accounting would be a less disturbing subject to take up. Just crunch the numbers, table the results and go home.

But anyhow, everything's perking up, even if the weather is dreadful. I'm gonna learn french again. Am considering learning greek if i have the time. Am spending time between V (russian neighbour), M (jap coursemate), S (american soas), and a few others in between. Considering that the school has a rep for attracting snobs, I must say that the people I've met so far are pretty cool. I guess as long as i stay away from those from the land of Bush, i'll be fine. (kidding.) The sad fact of the matter is that i'm surrounded by them it's beginning to feel like a cosmic joke. Opposite neighbour, tutorial partner, two pretty good friends, seminar group.. full of A's. God help me. grr. :)

All that aside, I am enjoying school. :)

Finally..

i'm ready to sleep. :)
Till the next deadline.. on Thursday. Gulp.

Happier thoughts, tomorrow is Sunday! And tomorrow the weather's supposed to be good. And tomorrow, we're going for dinner, a, j, s and me, at chinatown for some claypot tofu and roast duck.

Sigh.

I'm almost four hours past my deadline. Good thing it's not graded.
This has got to get better.
I just wanna sleep.
And kill someone.

Grr..

Am so looking forward to tomorrow. Can go out and play. :P

Friday Night Fun Facts

1. I'm not out on a Friday night, cos of homework. *gasp*

2. I don't understand guys.

3. My neighbour, V, is so cool. She's my new study partner.

4. Tomorrow will be spent.. studying.

5. Life is good, in spite of all of the above. :)

TGIF

my hands and feet are icy cold. Time to cook some chicken soup.

What i like most about Fridays is that I have an optional one hour class in the morning at 10, and an optional 1.5 hour seminar in the evening. :)

What I look forward to most (ok actually just last.. since i've only met him two fridays ago) Friday nights lately is that I get to see him. But i don't think that's gonna happen tonight.

What i dislike about this weekend is that I have an essay due on Saturday at 6pm and I have to read another 100 pages before I can know enough to write it without sounding like a fool.

Another thing I dislike about this weekend is that I have to postpone my getaway to Cambridge.

What I crave most on Friday mornings at 2am is some nasi kandar, teh tarik and ayu or fais (or both, if they're kind to each other) for company.

And of course, lola. I miss lola.

this present life

Enjoy some preliminary pictures, taken by my brand new nokia 6230i. :) More to follow!


bus on waterloo bridge. It's my favourite night-walking route. 10 minutes away from where i live. Love the water. Can't get away.


Room 1. When i first came here i thought the room was pretty small. And then i visited some other residences at lse and soas, and now i'm glad i have this little pad. Anyhow, it's clean and new and quiet (cos it's a graduate residence) and i can escape from the world into my own little space as and when i like, so it's great. :)


Room 2. My dining table, tulips and part of my bed. I like. Only sucky part is my window opens up to a view of the wall and the scaffolding of the next door building undergoing renovation.


Room 3. Double bed, attached bathroom, hallway double closets. Also like.


Squirrel at hyde park. I love hyde park. :)


Me with bangs. Heheh. Not had bangs since standard 6. This was taken on the eurostar on the way to paris. Had to wake up early to make mad dash to waterloo station. Paris is lovely. Will return soon, hopefully with wider french vocabulary. Parlez vous anglais? Je ne comprend pa. Merci.

shit shit shit shit shit Vantage point

So it's been a month and three days that i have been in this dreary country. To be fair, London is pretty in the fall, especially when the sun is out and the whole fall leaves bit is going on. And then the temperature drops come the evening and three layers of clothes is not enough to take away the chill, and my butt is freezes over. That's when i think of the sunny skies and sandy beaches of home and think happy thoughts to take away the cold.

i miss blogging. Thanks, a, for reminding me about this.

School sucks. really. does. I'm terrified.. half the problem is overcoming my fear of inadequecy and looking-stupid. I have endless merciless reading lists and at least 200 pages of crap which i have to digest for every class.. or risk looking stupid and having nothing intelligent to say. Well i've already gone through a few of such classes but NO MORE. next week, *ehhem*, I.shall. talk.in. class. *gulp*

And then there's the added distraction of S, who's so cute and intelligent i don't know what to do with him. grrr.. i hate men.

Happy thoughts: my floor mates are pretty cool. Yesterday we had dinner where 7 different nationalities with 5 different religions sat down and discuss "world issues" - eg the war between Turks and Kurds, Jews and Muslims, etc etc.. Of course, me, being happily ignorant of such important matters of life-or-death, quietly sat in the corner and ate my lemon pie, smiled and nodded, and tried to look intelligent. Heheh.

i tried to register for this class but the tutor won't let me cause i've already missed three lectures. GULP. it's the THIRD week already and i'm still lost. shit shit shit shit shit. :)

Food is such a comfort. Especially when it's home-cooked.

I got picked on by one of my tutors on Tuesday and now have to submit 1500-word essay by Saturday and think at the rate i'm going, friday night will be spent with the books.

:(

And there's another essay due next week which i haven't read for.

i'm drowning. Save me, someone. Anyone.

happier thoughts: the music on my network is greeeaattt..My sister is coming this weekend and we're all going out. (me, her, s, and jaime). And Christmas is two months away.. yay. :)

I wish i've something uplifting and inspiring to say but damnit, grad school is so not easy. It's fun no doubt.. but it's also tough and I'm still in the process of finding my groove.