Ok so, it's 3am and I can't sleep. My head's spinning with thoughts of what I'm gonna do tomorrow during my presentation. Also have another essay due on Thursday at noon but the good news is, I think i've gotten over my initial spell of procrastination and mental-block and now it doesn't seem too difficult. I think the trick is to stop obssessing about it, but to just do it... even if the reading lists are endless and you can study all day and night but still have loads to do. At least right now I'm not paralyzed by fear (or whatever it was that was stopping me from moving on earlier) anymore.
And i think i can now bluff my way through a conversation or essay with enough economics jargon to just about sound intellectual (to a non-economist). :D
Been having some metaphysical issues with classical theoriests who don't believe in the supernatural. The trouble is that we're forced to study what they say and to almost accept it for a fact, even if we don't necessarily subscribe to it. Doesn't help too that when someone tries to rationalize religion, it sounds almost incredible and it's hard to take them seriously. (maybe it's just my background) I still think I'd rather read sufi poetry than a dry dissertation on primitive religions. Am beginning to suspect that you won't make a very successful anthropologist unless you completely discount the existence of God. Yet I refuse to give up believing in magic.
The school is limiting in the sense that it just teaches you what is considered facts (or truth) to them, and we're hardly encouraged any other alternative. I was talking with two friends (whom i just met and whom will probably be featured more regularly in my life cos they're just great people) and they're both having the same problem subscribing to some of the things taught in this place. One thing we agreed upon, was that the profs here sure do not care about the education of the individual as a person. Seems like what is more important is that you learn enough (tricks and skills included) to get you into some high-flying-paying job in the future (no doubt the brand name will carry some weight there), oh, and to of course, pass your exams. But screw ethics and values and whatever else. It's a dog-eat-dog world lady so get your teeth in order. Growl..
yea whatever. The trick is to get my mind around understanding that I'm studying classical theorists within the context of their cosmology, not as a matter of my life and death. A mental detachment from my soul. Maybe I've always considered education a holistic thing, and that's why it's so difficult here cos it's just a lot of mental exercise (which to be fair, God knows I do need). :) It's especially disconcerting when the subject matter starts getting personal, and you are forced to look at it from a detached "intellectual" state and theorize about winners and losers in a capitalist society from an eurocentric position.. Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong school. Perhaps accounting would be a less disturbing subject to take up. Just crunch the numbers, table the results and go home.
But anyhow, everything's perking up, even if the weather is dreadful. I'm gonna learn french again. Am considering learning greek if i have the time. Am spending time between V (russian neighbour), M (jap coursemate), S (american soas), and a few others in between. Considering that the school has a rep for attracting snobs, I must say that the people I've met so far are pretty cool. I guess as long as i stay away from those from the land of Bush, i'll be fine. (kidding.) The sad fact of the matter is that i'm surrounded by them it's beginning to feel like a cosmic joke. Opposite neighbour, tutorial partner, two pretty good friends, seminar group.. full of A's. God help me. grr. :)
All that aside, I am enjoying school. :)