better is

a sister nearby than a brother far away. :D

i will.

over

ok i'm done moping.

it's over and fifty years from now i won't even remember it coz heck, it's just an exam.. :D i think it's mostly my pride that's at stake and that's why i was upset. coz it's like i kinda know all this stuff and yet i can't seem to write them down coherently when the pressure's on and i start thinking that the exam is NOT AN ACCURATE APPRAISAL OF MY ABILITIES COZ I THINK I'M SMARTER THAN I APPEAR TO BE... or so i thought. But now i'm back to.. aish.. it's just ya know.. lots of facts and theories which people argue about all the time and change their minds about all the time as well.. so, no biggie. what do i know? and what do i care as well? i know nothing, except that god loves me, the best is yet to come, my future is in the best of hands, and i should start studying for the next paper.. :D

philippians 4:4-7 rejoice in the lord always. again i will say, rejoice! let your gentleness be known to all men. the Lord is at hand. be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.

peace.

so

i'm really upset about the exam because i studied hard for it, it's my favourite subject, i know i know my stuff, i read books associated with the subject outside the reading list for fun, and in retrospect, the questions weren't really that difficult as it allowed much room for creative answers. i just don't know why i couldn't organize my thoughts then. everything came out as this massive jumble.. there was no clarity in my head, nor in my answers. and i know that if i were to take the exam right now, in this room, at this point in time, i could have easily figured out the most structured way to answer the questions. and so, i'm really pissed.. at geertz, durkheim, bourdieu, malinowski, weber and marx, but most of all, at myself.

i need.. a miracle.

*burp

bailey's and tomyam do not mix.
stomach.
upset.
:(

where is

faith, when i need it the most?

one down, three to go

ok it was not great. first of all, the questions were really different this year. if one had only studied individual topics, na-ah, wouldn't have happened. you'd have to read EVERYTHING to be able to answer any of it decently. there was this guy in front of me, he was fidgeting in his desk. he went to the loo, sat down, drank water, ate a snickers bar. i could see that he was really nervous and didn't have anything to say because if you had stuff to write you wouldn't go to the toilet. me, i was frozen for about half an hour before my brain started kicking in. i think i answered two pretty okay. the third one could have been better but i had run out of time by then so i only wrote four pages compared to the others (6 and 7). And so, there. sigh. and now i wish i had answered another one instead of the third one coz in retrospect, i had more things to say for the other one but i don't know, i think i was just overwhelmed by the nature of the questions.. had to pause and think and rethink and like..

sigh. oh well. :P

moving right along.

rasa sayang heyyy

the highlight of the day was going for the malaysian fair at covent garden and speaking malay with the pakcik jual batik and watching the kids from some budaya dancing program do a series of dances from perlis to sabah, culminating with everybody dancing "rasa sayang hey".. wahhhh ubat rindu! listening to the song reminded me of home and everything great about msia.. rilek aje lah.. :D

rasa sayang hey
rasa sayang sayang hey
hey lihat nona jauh
rasa sayang sayang hey

Buah cempedak di luar pagar
Ambil galah tolong jolokkan
Saya budak baru belajar
Kalau salah tolong tunjukkan

Pisang emas dibawa belayar
Masak sebiji di atas peti
Hutang emas boleh dibayar
Hutang budi dibawa mati

Pulau pandan jauh ke tengah
Gunung DAik bercabang tiga
Hancur badan dikandung tanah
Budi yang baik dikenang juga

Kalau ada sumur di ladang
Boleh saya menumpang mandi
Kalau ada umur yang panjang
Boleh kita berjumpa lagi

:)

breathe breathe..

wahhhhahhh.. 8 more days till first paper. hyperventilating.. bahahhaawwwaahhhh...
gulp.

ok i can do this i can do this.. phils 4:13..
:P

blah

:(

i think it's getting to me. everything. i'm trying not to let it get to me. didn't do anything today at all. woke up late. kavita, d and i went for a walk to picadilly circus. had ben and jerry's, saw some police breaking up a street footie game, met mitra at trocadero, shopped for sweatshirts, finally decided to watch confetti, came back via shaftsbury avenue, got hussled by some black men... and now i'm here.. thinking.. that i need to get over it.

isn't lola so pretty?

am.

hmmm... detached, somehow. don't know why.

icy birthday

this is what happens when a finnish-canadian decides to celebrate his birthday. he drags his friends to an ice bar where the sun never shines and the temperature is at a steady minus five celsius.

it was an experience, even if there were no icicles or northern lights. the bartender was swedish and the drinks were decent.

*blog break*

yeah, i'm studying. which is why i'm blogging so much.. it's a procrastinating outlet. i have now resigned myself to study on the floor in the space between the bathroom and the cupboard because 1) it's far from the bed, 2) it's far from the computer, and 3) the kitchen is behind me, and 4) all my files are nicely laid out in a long row along the cupboard. the room is kinda divided into five piles of books/notes: one for each of my four exams and one more pile for dissertation.

went into waterstones today and was tempted to take up its "3 for 2" offer. books that i was so very much tempted to buy:
1. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! - Richard P. Feynman, Ralph Leighton (ok i'm so glad i din't buy this one coz it's £0.99 second hand on amazon.co.uk, compared to 9.99 waterstones)
2. Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed - Jared Diamond
3. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka (but i wouldn't have bought this anyway coz kavita has it and i can just borrow from her)
4. and another book about how science work by this dude who has a science show on british telly. forgot both title and author. sigh. it seemed really interesting.. :D

currently reading (apart from the stuff that's on the reading lists for exams..)
1. Cosmopolitanism - Kwame Anthony Appiah (ok i got past the first chapter and i like how after you reach a certain milestone in your career you don't have to write with references anymore. just declare anything like it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth..)
2. Reflections of exile - Edward Said (ahh..he's too cool and this book is a collection of essays which makes it easier to read coz it requires short term concentration. i like. which is why I also like short stories.. coz you don't have to cheat by reading the back first.. which is what i usually do in long books.. i seldom read fiction nowdays. the only fiction i have in my room right now is p.g.woodhouse and roald dahl.. oh, and madeleine l'engle. all kids books. :D)

books bought but notchet read coz no time
1. preemption - alan dershowtiz
2. the poisonwood bible - barbara kingsolver
3. identity and violence: the illusion of destiny - amartya sen (kavita's reading this and she's making a summary for me. lol)
4. the wretched of the earth - franz fanon. actually bought this a long time ago but still couldn't quite get into it.
5. orientalism - edward said
6. intertwined lives: margeret mead and ruth benedict - lois banner

i think i'm gonna stay in london for summer. the libraries and bookshops here are way too cool. whoa imagine: a good book, sunshine, bottle of wine, food, park, grass, blanket, shades.. bliss.

:D

to go or not to go?

i went for french class. there were three students and our teacher. not good. i've never been picked on so many times in my life in class. sigh. i felt i paid back all my dues accumulated throughout the year for not doing homework and contributing zero hours towards french outside the classroom. unless you count eating at pret-a-manger to be doing french. the conclusion when all has been heard? i will never EVER take french lessons again. it's over. je ne parle pas francais. je deteste parle francais. tres tellement difficile. c'est tout.

i did not go to see my tutor. kinda chickened out in the end coz i had so many things to ask him but nothing really to say and i wanted to read more before i made a complete fool of myself by astounding him with my knowledge (or lack of it). but now remains that nagging thought ya know.. what if i had gone? maybe he'd have told me words of wisdom from heaven that will propel me instantaneously to firstclass-nerdom. arghhh... also he looks like colin firth and i don't know what to say to such hunkyness. it's like, wow check out those sideburns and high forehead and ok focus focus on what he's saying and stop staring at his broad comfortable-looking chest, g. :D lol. (it's more vivid in my imagination than it is in reality, truly:D)

up next week: goodbye french, hello tutor.

dawn

i'm up with a cold that i caught while out in the rain over the weekend. fried some venison meat for dinner but just couldn't stomach it so it's now sitting in the fridge and dinner didn't stay down either. so now i'm hungry, i'm cold, i have a slight fever and i'm deciding whether or not to go for french class tomorrow. i just skimmed through a book that i bought recently on ebay, called "culture and public action" and my only regret is that i didn't buy it earlier. i feel as though i can't write anymore. the words just won't come out. i'm thinking, instead of writing. stuck. constipated. that's bad no? i blame it on endless academic essays and microsoft word grammar and sentence checks. completely ruins style.

a few nights ago i dreamt someone said the perfect sentence. i recalled making numerous mental notes in my half-awake state to remember it verbatim, but now i can't even remember what it's about. but oh, the feeling of making the perfect sentence!! that i still remember.. :)

i'm beginning to view "progress" as a journeying process that do not involve the conscious act of learning alone, but the subconscious internalization and embodiment of modes of behavior and patterns of thought processes from an atmosphere alive and vibrant with new ideas and opposing paradigms... and despite my initial stuttering and half-baked attempts to express my underdeveloped thoughts, i find myself now, further down the road, at a point where the stuttering is less pronounced and what seemed like an impossible goal at the beginning now becomes clearer and within reach: the ability to construct and succesfully defend an argument in a more sophisticated manner. lol. :D

apparently that's what it all boils down to. it ain't matter what other people think is right. you just gotta figure out whatcha think works for you and why you thinkit and defend your ground till the end. steadfast, unwavering, immovable... in the face of 10001 other voices. apparently, quality is secondary, it's who says it and how loud and strong he or she says it that matter more. i think that's all bullshit of course but perhaps that's why god's so easy to miss.. coz daily reminders of god can be so subtle: a loving gesture, an unexpected kind word, unexplainable joy..

so at times, it is amidst the cacophony of voices all screaming for my attention that i strain to hear but sometimes miss, the gentle steady whisper(er)... where is my god? Ahh....

"His sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

baa..

awesomeness

in church earlier the pastor dude was talking about how god is like an ocean.. and whatever it is that we think we know about god is like us swimming a mile in the ocean and thinking that we've swam the whole ocean but actually we're only in our little wading pool. and on some level it's like duh yea god is bigger than my brain i know that already.. or i'd like to think i do. but i think on another level i can't even begin to imagine it cos the earlier reminder of realization that god is bigger than the sum of everything i know or will ever know about him is wow just so unfathomable and staggering and wow... i am. in awe.

jumbo hunt

so at 3:45pm on a cloudy sunday afternoon, eli, valeria and i decided to go for an elephant hunt in london. apparently a big mechanical wooden elephant was roundabout town as part of a drama troupe from france. so imagine, the three of us, hurriedly walking along greet queen street in the direction of picadilly circus, having a conversation that went something like this:

g: so, what's this again?
e: the elephant. it's at picadilly circus. i went there earlier and they said it's gonna start walking at 3:30.
v: and this is a wooden mechanical elephant, yea..?
e: yeah, i saw a huge bowl of water at one of the streets. i think the elephant's gonna drink from it.
v: come on.. why would an elephant drink water from a bowl? it's a wooden elephant.
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw.
g: so, the elephant's gonna drink the water huh. what's it gonna do with the water?
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw...

so yeah, the elephant was HUGE.... REALLY HUGE.. as tall as a two storey building. it pulled a stage which carried a live band that included a bagpipe dude playing funky music. it was "driven" by eight people, each controlling the different appendages of the elephant: forelegs, back legs, trunk, head.. And on top of the elephant was a mongolian looking person decked in some kind of maharajah outfit looking exoticly fierce and ringleader-ish. and yes, the elephant did indeed drink from the huge bowls of water that eli saw, and it was spraying water onto the crowd with its trunk, although i couldn't quite figure out where the elephant kept the water.. huge bladder must be.

so fun. i love london.

arithmetic

chorus
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

- brooke fraser, "arithmetic"

:B

bobbie houston is so amazing. gail and i are official registered fans.
lol. :D

london's groovy

was kinda craving for some meat after dinner and then i get this call from gz saying hey come over and hang out.. so up i went and he had just returned from dinner at his aunt's and brought back food and so i had yummy ugandan rice with beef and chapati. :D and then we talked about african politics, colonialism, god, marriage..among other things.. and then he fell asleep while i was on the internet. :) so i left.

had two study sessions in two days and am so grateful for grace and strength to study and nail these exams. my first paper is in 20 days.. am now focusing on the later papers (cos they're more difficult) but next week will devote energies towards an404. feeling incredibly nerdy but also enjoying every bit of it. cos i'm returning to my old notes and old readings and they suddenly made more sense than they ever did before.. phew..

meanwhile, been checking out jth on the net and listening to him on itunes. *wink to gail*. hehehe.. and having loads of silly dreams.. :D *giggle* but as always, the best is yet to come.

ok im so grateful to be alive and well. the past few weeks have been just amazing. the weather's been great and things somehow just fall into place, even if at some point they did seem a little sucky. the best thing is that i now do not need a coat outdoors. groovy. just groovy.

...

you stood before creation
eternity in your hand
you spoke the earth into motion
my soul now to stand

you stood before my failure
carried the cross for my shame
my sin weighed upon your shoulders
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i walk upon salvation
your spirit alive in me
this life to declare your promise
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe
of the one who gave it all
so i'll stand
my soul lord to you surrendered
all i am is yours

- joel houston "the stand"

Ok, God..

So, you've been really great and i can't thank you enough for everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHINGGGGGG especially the events that has happened over the past week.. gosh.. you're amazing.
i'm so glad you're so alive and happening and working in the hearts and lives of me and the people around me.
Just continue to work that wonder and magic ok. i totally trust in you.. cos "marvellous are Your works, I know that full well."
in other words: God, YOU DA BOMB!
:D

woohooo great song

I called
You answered
and You came to my rescue
and I
wanna be where
You are

in my life, be lifted high
in our world, be lifted high
in our love, be lifted high

- Marty Sampson, "came to the rescue", Hillsong United We Stand album