So I managed to squeeze in some quality solitutde time the past one-and-half days after gail and ayu left for leicester and cardiff respectively. Set my room in (some resemblence of) order, shipped out all the accumulated dirty dishes, and got rid of all the christmas leftovers (except the chocolate). Also settled down to read, think and just reflect on god, life and where all of it is heading and to be honest, i alternate between being scared shitless and (trying to be) "steadfast, immovable, always abounding..") a lot.. especially every morning (or noon, nowdays) in trying to wake up.
it's like a 50 first dates scenario, where i wake up and feel like screaming, coz am pretty much scared and doubtful about everything.. sleep is a comfort. i wanna burrow back under the covers and get lost in my dreams where everything's easy and even if it turns out to be a nightmare, heck it's only a dream and i'll soon wake up from it.
but waking up to reality.. man.. that's a scenario that if viewed from a certain perspective, is more haunting than your scariest nightmare.
and then i play my music and i remind myself about the one truth that matters: god loves me. it's christ in me the hope of glory. god's on my side. it's gonna be okay, it will. just. breathe. and get your ass movin.
and it's all fine and i'm happy and at peace again in the comforting knowledge of amazing grace..
it's almost a daily struggle (especially lately) that it's not funny.. but i think im getting better at reducing the time between feelings of hopelessness and "let's get moving baby and feel free to change the world.."
but it also hits me throughout the day.. especially when i think (too much) about my deadlines and what's ahead next year, i get these panic attacks..
and it's like, ok god, heeellpppppp...
was browsing through some notes that i took during church about a month ago when scott wilson was in town. he was talking about how most people feel, act and then think, but how we should think, understand, get wisdom to act, and then adjust our feelings accordingly. in other words, we act our way into our feelings, instead of acting how we feel.
one of those "easy to preach, hard to do" kinda scenarios hey.. but i guess everybody goes through it and it's an act of faith to be thankful despite the overwhelming negative feelings.
besides, feelings come and go, hence proving to be a pretty shaky foundation to allow our lives to be based upon..
oooo reminds me of matt redman's song:
"every blessing you pour out
i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, god
still I will say: blessed be the name of the lord.."
anyways, i've been reading the psalms again.. really good stuff. definitely in-season. will blog more about that later.
also flew the london eye earlier today. had a ticket that was expiring on the 31st of december so after obssessing about who to give it to for days, finally decided (in typical last minute fashion) to just get my ass down there and just do it.. the last time i rode the eye was with gail, danz and edmond, but that was during the day. this time around, it was london at night and wow, it was worth the (rather short) walk and (not so) lengthy queue. :) the night was clear, i could see right up to (what i suspect is) putney, and westmister was shimmering gold.. ahhhh.. and the higher it went, the better the view became. all the usual suspects were there: st paul's, the bridges, the gherkin, hyde park, centre point, telecom towers, ben, nelson, etc.. hmm.. i can't remember if tower bridge was there.. but in any case, definitely a view to remember, tuck away, and bring to mind next time to ubat future london rindu. :)
meanwhile, there's a party tomorrow to prepare for.. and tank rides.. (yes you read correctly, TANK RIDES.. yes yes, ARMY TANK RIDES with a real Major. hehe) and people to catch up with.. and good conversation to be had, and plenty more surprises.. and so, i should sleep now..
and in case i don't get to blog before the year is over, here's wishing everyone a great year ahead.. :)
coz the best is yet to come..
and you better believe it.