more than life..

how can it be
that you were the one
on the cross?
lifted for all
my shame

how can it be
the scars in your hands
were for me?
you are the king
of all

day of sorts..

today heard news that a dear friend had been made redundant from her work. while this was hardly surprising given the present economic climate, it still came as a bit of a shock. just feel like its times like these that more than ever we need to be reminded of the joy of our salvation.. that we will not lose hope despite whatever or whomever comes against us.

thinking of habakkuk 3:17-18 "Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!"

our god is mighty to save!!

im still a bit ill.. and just a bit vulnerable on the inside.. dealing with lots of junk and last sunday at church was such a refreshing.. i love it. just love it all. love how god has been so good. love how new hope arises. love the deliberateness of just waiting on god to save. love it.

all time favourite

Hanya dekat kasihMu Bapa
Jiwaku pun tentram
Engkau menerimaku
Dengan sepenuhnya

Walau dunia melihat rupa
Namun Kau memandangku
Sampai kedalaman hatiku

Tuhan inilah yang kutahu
Kau mengenal hatiku
Jauh melebihi semua
Yang terdekat sekalipun

Tuhan inilah yang kumau
Kau menjaga hatiku
Supaya kehidupan
Memancar senantiasa

wooohooo

i passed fa, aa and tax!!! whoopeedeedooooo!!! still can't believe it.

god is so awesome.. bringing me this far.. just sticking by me and wow, his right hand has indeed upheld me.

how wonderful!!

random notes

it's been so amazing living in god's grace. just love connect group and how when a company of believers get together and just love on each other, magic happens. so so thankful for all that is in my life right now and am looking to jesus for whatever it is that lies ahead... being patient for the fulfillment of all that i'm hoping for.. ahh definitely blessed beyond logic, again and again. :)

There's something about 2 in the morning

:)

am blessed beyond belief, as always. should be in bed, really, but can't sleep. feels like monsoon weather in malaysia in london.. reminds me of childhood, funnily enough. i love living in wandsworth with the tony and gary.

Back blogging

It's 2:36 in the morning and I'm not asleep as drank too much chinese jasmine tea at wong kei's earlier. hmmmph. work tomorrow will be a challenge. :P

So, I've decided to ressurrect my old blog and write again. Quite useful as a means of keeping family and friends up to date with what's going on in moi life. I also miss writing. Also coz blogging helps me remember stuff that has happened.. not that i care about remembering everything that happened..but er.. yeah. anyway, i'm giving it another go. :)

i can't even remember why i stopped blogging.

updates: since the last post, i've got a haircut and got a job. lol. also moved to wimbledon. and that's about it, really. i've also started reading again after the phd experience turned me off books for about half a year.. ;D

what else.. oh and i found out that the disease i had (as mentioned in the last couple of posts back) was leptospirosis, which by uk standards, is a "notifiable disease", and in most cases, fatal. the miracle is that i recovered with no antibiotics.. good old body fought hard.. with a bit of divine help.

but all is well now..woohoo :D

and finally, a new song at church today that struck a chord:

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
And this is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God.

yeah babbbbyy.. bring it on. :D have a good week everyone!!

oh yeah and i'll update the links later and maybe even change the layout a bit.. (or not).

newsflash

i am leaving the phd programme.

made a decision over the weekend and gave myself time to think about it. today is thursday and it is clearly the best decision ever.

no regrets.

and no turning back.

woohoooo!!!

gracey happy child. :)

mm..mmm.mmm

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you."
1 Peter 5

goodbye

has never been this sweeeet:)

crossroads

The LORD God is my strength,
my personal braverry,
and my invincible army;
He makes my feet like hinds' feet
And will make me to walk
(not to stand in terror, but to walk)
And make [spiritual] progress upon
My high places (of trouble, suffering or responsibility).

Habakkuk 3:19 (Amplified Bible)

***

this will be a week of some major decision making. how easy would it be should someone be around to make a decision for me. or if indeed fortune tellers exist.

ah well.

virus

had never been this sick before. am now in brett's place after he dragged me kicking and screaming from my new residence over here coz he didn't wanna leave me alone in my cabin. i didn't wanna go coz it was a long trek to his place but now im glad i did. was in the hospital on saturday and had a series of blood tests for all the usual suspects but everything came out negative. that's the good news. the not so great news is that i can only treat the symptoms, hence am popping paracetamol and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours. my liver!! other than the physical me feeling quite rollercoaster-ish.. i feel fine when the medicine takes effect and shivering and aching when the effect wears off.. like a druggie. am enjoying putney and asda though.. have a pot of chicken soup boiling in the slow cooker downstairs and a pot of fish broth with ginger on the stove..mmmm..mmm.mmmm.mmmm... brett's flatmate, dan, certainly has his kitchen well equipped. except he doesn't have sesame oil.. but that's okay too coz asda's just round the corner. other than that, all is really well. margie came over to help me pack and brought her friend the following day to help me move after hospital.. man that was a godsend, as brett and i were both knackered. he came straight from the airport off the plane from uganda to the hospital. haha. i think it's just amazing how things work out so smoothly, considering how sick i was on saturday. getting better!!

goodbye penang.. again

the past two weeks in penang and borneo went by too quickly!! had such a good time with the family and friends new and old it seemed like a dream. had a great time in sabah and just when we thought it couldn't get any better, the village(r)s we visited in sarawak completely knocked us off our feet with such hospitality and kindness. twin-otter airyplanes, longboats and four wds are the way to go. :D

 

i'm out of here in about 18 hours. am sad to leave the family but am looking forward to friends and "real life" in london.. and moving (again)... and work.. and the library. :)

 

i'm looking forward to what's ahead. the best is yet to come, as always.. and you better believe it. :D

turning point

had a meeting with my supervisor today. the first thing she said was, "well done!" and that was such a miracle in itself. heaved sigh of relief and was just truly grateful that she liked the 10,000 draft that i produced in er.. er... 4 days? it's unreal and illogical. god is amazing in my life.

also passed the 6,000 word essay that i had to write in er... 4 days too.

and now just one final exam to go on friday and i'll be homeward bound for 15 glorious days of food, rest, family, doggies, sunshine, shorts, vans, trips, love and everything warm and fuzzy and nice.

muahahhahahahaa..hahahahah ..ahhaha..hahhahah..hhahahahahahaha

bring it on.

bobbie houston last week at church was super.. strengthening my heart and enriching my soul.. supernatural. i'm blessed beyond logic.

Revelations 21

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

***

Be at peace Aunty Fatima, we love you.

a new day

"our reach must exceed our grasp."

"we must never make our moments of inspiration our standard; our standard is our duty."

songskis

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Amazing Grace, by Chris Tomlin

sigh

this. is. really. difficult.
but okay.
it'll be okay.
just do it.
ok.
do it. :P

Your vocation or "calling" is

“the place where your deepest gladness meets the world’s deepest need.”
- Frederick Buechner

some updates

it's been a while since i've written anything here which could classify as an "original thought".. ok an original sentence, at least. I doubt many original thoughts exist anymore but meanwhile, here's an attempt on my part to make sense of the last couple of weeks since I wrote down anything substantial here. So, as a disclaimer, I am writing the next couple of paras partly as documentation for my own personal purposes, and partly to update the 3 or so people who actually read this blog. :D

I was browsing through my journal yesterday night at ministry school (in church, every tuesday nights, led by the very inspirational mark wilkinson) and came across this entry, dated 22 Feb 2007, where I wrote: "It is in the menial tasks which we find ourselves doing that God is exalted. In the backwater, where nobody sees nothing, where the limelight is not focused, it is there that I find joy abounds, and grace abounds even more, for a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving is offered up, in the midst of apathy, doubt, fear, laziness, depression and anger."

Ok, so, the latter part of that previous sentence pretty much summed up frustrated feelings with regards to school that I've experienced in the past year or so. I have never been this unmotivated and apathetic and I have no single source of blame (except maybe myself, for allowing attitudes and work ethic to slide to an all time low). That, with a measure of wrong thinking about life, purpose, destiny - the age old question of "what on earth am I here for?", had led to a long season of paralysis of the brain and will, which for all intent and purposes, I hope is finally coming to an end as I allow truth to renew my thinking, and change my prayer to "ok god, let it be done on earth as it is in heaven".

Anyways, long story short, I was in the shower today and it occurred to me that it's not about how well or badly you start, it's about how well you finish. And yes, I did not exactly had a great start off the blocks this academic year in terms of studies, and yes, I have myself to blame for a lot of the consequences that come about when your default mode is procrastination, yet I am confident that it is God's grace that will ultimately see me through this very challenging season. "There is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". God has forgiven. New life awaits. I'm shaking off the guilt and moving into new life. Am also resolving to give it my all again (and again and again), despite previous disappointments, hurts, and all the rubbish that comes with life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on, I say.

Hehheh..

It's definitely a battle I am fighting. But I am confident that God is making my way perfect and arming me with strength. As Shiels my dear mate used to tell me, "we gain strength from the battle, not for the battle.

****

Being thankful in all circumstances, I can definitely look back and think that "wow, god has done great things among us". In school (despite the hang-ups), in church - our connect group is just overflowing and each week is better than the last, in relationships - brett is just about the sweetest, funniest, most generous guy I've met in my life and while I don't think "madly in love" characterizes our relationship just yet, I do know that we are building a solid friendship which will last for life. Brendan in church last night was talking about how important it was to find a "friend of destiny", especially in our partners. Not just someone to fall in love and do life together with, but someone whom you know will run with you with the same amount of passion (or more) for god's purposes of love to be accomplished on this earth.

I did get a job with the accommodation office which is such a blessing. Working two days a week now and i'm so thankful for god's favour. Have amazing friends and colleagues. I think the only thing that's kinda bugging me now is my school work, so please pray for me peeps (ie, you, among the 3 or so people who have read through the ramblings this far:).

it's brett's birthday today. he turns 32. we're just so blessed with the people in our world, with a great church, with our jobs/school, and just about everything in between. challenges are great. they make us stronger. frustration is my friend. he makes me more determined to do well. (or at least he's supposed to. i hope he does!)

:D

God's been just so amazing as well, in engineering circumstances and people to just come and bless us and speak into our lives. I'm just continually being challenged by other people's examples of faith and love.

Was talking to gail and brett today about coming to a point in my life where i'm just so singlemindedly focused on what i know god wants me to do, that i don't know any other way. Just don't know. Other options do not exist. I was thinking about this in reference to a memorial that is just on the field in front of the london eye. The memorial consist of a stone carving of a group of men and women looking south together, with this inscription beneath it: "In memory of the men and women of the who gave their lives in the war of 1941-1945: They went because they saw no other way". I think that whole memorial just encapsulated what I know to be true deep down in my soul, that I want to "go" because I can see no other way. No other cause to live for, and need be, to die for. Reminds me Kierkegaard's famous "Purity of heart is to will one thing" quote which has been resonating in my head for the longest time. The ONE THING. I'm beginning to think that we make the one thing, the one thing. We kinda decide, and god engineers circumstances to lead us time and again to make that decision. Sometimes though we become careless and allow weeds to grow in our garden and circumstances and wrong thinking to cloud our minds and hearts and numb us towards feeling, acknowledging or even caring about what we know to be true deep down in our bones. Or maybe most of the time, we are just too stubborn and proud to acknowledge the true master of our lives. Whichever, however, whatever: the great news is that god's mercy and grace abounds and i imagine he's just waiting for us to turn back to him and seek his purposes again, no matter how many times we have "failed". we were destined to fail time and time again. perfection, unfortunately, lies on the other side of eternity.

The weather's perking up as well, with just beautiful sunny skies the past week, although someone today told me it might snow next week. England weather is crazy this year. :)

Ok I hope that's enough updates for now. I'm just "going flat out like a lizzie drinkin'" (i'm learning all these aussie-isms) for school right now as the deadlines are all looming up in my face. Please keep praying for me.

"For who is God, except our LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on high places.
He teaches my hands to make war
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of salvation
Your right hand has held me up
Your gentleness has made me great"
Psalms 18:31-36