this. is. really. difficult.
but okay.
it'll be okay.
just do it.
ok.
do it. :P
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Your vocation or "calling" is
“the place where your deepest gladness meets the world’s deepest need.”
- Frederick Buechner
- Frederick Buechner
Thursday, April 19, 2007
some updates
it's been a while since i've written anything here which could classify as an "original thought".. ok an original sentence, at least. I doubt many original thoughts exist anymore but meanwhile, here's an attempt on my part to make sense of the last couple of weeks since I wrote down anything substantial here. So, as a disclaimer, I am writing the next couple of paras partly as documentation for my own personal purposes, and partly to update the 3 or so people who actually read this blog. :D
I was browsing through my journal yesterday night at ministry school (in church, every tuesday nights, led by the very inspirational mark wilkinson) and came across this entry, dated 22 Feb 2007, where I wrote: "It is in the menial tasks which we find ourselves doing that God is exalted. In the backwater, where nobody sees nothing, where the limelight is not focused, it is there that I find joy abounds, and grace abounds even more, for a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving is offered up, in the midst of apathy, doubt, fear, laziness, depression and anger."
Ok, so, the latter part of that previous sentence pretty much summed up frustrated feelings with regards to school that I've experienced in the past year or so. I have never been this unmotivated and apathetic and I have no single source of blame (except maybe myself, for allowing attitudes and work ethic to slide to an all time low). That, with a measure of wrong thinking about life, purpose, destiny - the age old question of "what on earth am I here for?", had led to a long season of paralysis of the brain and will, which for all intent and purposes, I hope is finally coming to an end as I allow truth to renew my thinking, and change my prayer to "ok god, let it be done on earth as it is in heaven".
Anyways, long story short, I was in the shower today and it occurred to me that it's not about how well or badly you start, it's about how well you finish. And yes, I did not exactly had a great start off the blocks this academic year in terms of studies, and yes, I have myself to blame for a lot of the consequences that come about when your default mode is procrastination, yet I am confident that it is God's grace that will ultimately see me through this very challenging season. "There is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". God has forgiven. New life awaits. I'm shaking off the guilt and moving into new life. Am also resolving to give it my all again (and again and again), despite previous disappointments, hurts, and all the rubbish that comes with life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on, I say.
Hehheh..
It's definitely a battle I am fighting. But I am confident that God is making my way perfect and arming me with strength. As Shiels my dear mate used to tell me, "we gain strength from the battle, not for the battle.
****
Being thankful in all circumstances, I can definitely look back and think that "wow, god has done great things among us". In school (despite the hang-ups), in church - our connect group is just overflowing and each week is better than the last, in relationships - brett is just about the sweetest, funniest, most generous guy I've met in my life and while I don't think "madly in love" characterizes our relationship just yet, I do know that we are building a solid friendship which will last for life. Brendan in church last night was talking about how important it was to find a "friend of destiny", especially in our partners. Not just someone to fall in love and do life together with, but someone whom you know will run with you with the same amount of passion (or more) for god's purposes of love to be accomplished on this earth.
I did get a job with the accommodation office which is such a blessing. Working two days a week now and i'm so thankful for god's favour. Have amazing friends and colleagues. I think the only thing that's kinda bugging me now is my school work, so please pray for me peeps (ie, you, among the 3 or so people who have read through the ramblings this far:).
it's brett's birthday today. he turns 32. we're just so blessed with the people in our world, with a great church, with our jobs/school, and just about everything in between. challenges are great. they make us stronger. frustration is my friend. he makes me more determined to do well. (or at least he's supposed to. i hope he does!)
:D
God's been just so amazing as well, in engineering circumstances and people to just come and bless us and speak into our lives. I'm just continually being challenged by other people's examples of faith and love.
Was talking to gail and brett today about coming to a point in my life where i'm just so singlemindedly focused on what i know god wants me to do, that i don't know any other way. Just don't know. Other options do not exist. I was thinking about this in reference to a memorial that is just on the field in front of the london eye. The memorial consist of a stone carving of a group of men and women looking south together, with this inscription beneath it: "In memory of the men and women of the who gave their lives in the war of 1941-1945: They went because they saw no other way". I think that whole memorial just encapsulated what I know to be true deep down in my soul, that I want to "go" because I can see no other way. No other cause to live for, and need be, to die for. Reminds me Kierkegaard's famous "Purity of heart is to will one thing" quote which has been resonating in my head for the longest time. The ONE THING. I'm beginning to think that we make the one thing, the one thing. We kinda decide, and god engineers circumstances to lead us time and again to make that decision. Sometimes though we become careless and allow weeds to grow in our garden and circumstances and wrong thinking to cloud our minds and hearts and numb us towards feeling, acknowledging or even caring about what we know to be true deep down in our bones. Or maybe most of the time, we are just too stubborn and proud to acknowledge the true master of our lives. Whichever, however, whatever: the great news is that god's mercy and grace abounds and i imagine he's just waiting for us to turn back to him and seek his purposes again, no matter how many times we have "failed". we were destined to fail time and time again. perfection, unfortunately, lies on the other side of eternity.
The weather's perking up as well, with just beautiful sunny skies the past week, although someone today told me it might snow next week. England weather is crazy this year. :)
Ok I hope that's enough updates for now. I'm just "going flat out like a lizzie drinkin'" (i'm learning all these aussie-isms) for school right now as the deadlines are all looming up in my face. Please keep praying for me.
"For who is God, except our LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on high places.
He teaches my hands to make war
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of salvation
Your right hand has held me up
Your gentleness has made me great"
Psalms 18:31-36
I was browsing through my journal yesterday night at ministry school (in church, every tuesday nights, led by the very inspirational mark wilkinson) and came across this entry, dated 22 Feb 2007, where I wrote: "It is in the menial tasks which we find ourselves doing that God is exalted. In the backwater, where nobody sees nothing, where the limelight is not focused, it is there that I find joy abounds, and grace abounds even more, for a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving is offered up, in the midst of apathy, doubt, fear, laziness, depression and anger."
Ok, so, the latter part of that previous sentence pretty much summed up frustrated feelings with regards to school that I've experienced in the past year or so. I have never been this unmotivated and apathetic and I have no single source of blame (except maybe myself, for allowing attitudes and work ethic to slide to an all time low). That, with a measure of wrong thinking about life, purpose, destiny - the age old question of "what on earth am I here for?", had led to a long season of paralysis of the brain and will, which for all intent and purposes, I hope is finally coming to an end as I allow truth to renew my thinking, and change my prayer to "ok god, let it be done on earth as it is in heaven".
Anyways, long story short, I was in the shower today and it occurred to me that it's not about how well or badly you start, it's about how well you finish. And yes, I did not exactly had a great start off the blocks this academic year in terms of studies, and yes, I have myself to blame for a lot of the consequences that come about when your default mode is procrastination, yet I am confident that it is God's grace that will ultimately see me through this very challenging season. "There is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". God has forgiven. New life awaits. I'm shaking off the guilt and moving into new life. Am also resolving to give it my all again (and again and again), despite previous disappointments, hurts, and all the rubbish that comes with life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on, I say.
Hehheh..
It's definitely a battle I am fighting. But I am confident that God is making my way perfect and arming me with strength. As Shiels my dear mate used to tell me, "we gain strength from the battle, not for the battle.
****
Being thankful in all circumstances, I can definitely look back and think that "wow, god has done great things among us". In school (despite the hang-ups), in church - our connect group is just overflowing and each week is better than the last, in relationships - brett is just about the sweetest, funniest, most generous guy I've met in my life and while I don't think "madly in love" characterizes our relationship just yet, I do know that we are building a solid friendship which will last for life. Brendan in church last night was talking about how important it was to find a "friend of destiny", especially in our partners. Not just someone to fall in love and do life together with, but someone whom you know will run with you with the same amount of passion (or more) for god's purposes of love to be accomplished on this earth.
I did get a job with the accommodation office which is such a blessing. Working two days a week now and i'm so thankful for god's favour. Have amazing friends and colleagues. I think the only thing that's kinda bugging me now is my school work, so please pray for me peeps (ie, you, among the 3 or so people who have read through the ramblings this far:).
it's brett's birthday today. he turns 32. we're just so blessed with the people in our world, with a great church, with our jobs/school, and just about everything in between. challenges are great. they make us stronger. frustration is my friend. he makes me more determined to do well. (or at least he's supposed to. i hope he does!)
:D
God's been just so amazing as well, in engineering circumstances and people to just come and bless us and speak into our lives. I'm just continually being challenged by other people's examples of faith and love.
Was talking to gail and brett today about coming to a point in my life where i'm just so singlemindedly focused on what i know god wants me to do, that i don't know any other way. Just don't know. Other options do not exist. I was thinking about this in reference to a memorial that is just on the field in front of the london eye. The memorial consist of a stone carving of a group of men and women looking south together, with this inscription beneath it: "In memory of the men and women of the who gave their lives in the war of 1941-1945: They went because they saw no other way". I think that whole memorial just encapsulated what I know to be true deep down in my soul, that I want to "go" because I can see no other way. No other cause to live for, and need be, to die for. Reminds me Kierkegaard's famous "Purity of heart is to will one thing" quote which has been resonating in my head for the longest time. The ONE THING. I'm beginning to think that we make the one thing, the one thing. We kinda decide, and god engineers circumstances to lead us time and again to make that decision. Sometimes though we become careless and allow weeds to grow in our garden and circumstances and wrong thinking to cloud our minds and hearts and numb us towards feeling, acknowledging or even caring about what we know to be true deep down in our bones. Or maybe most of the time, we are just too stubborn and proud to acknowledge the true master of our lives. Whichever, however, whatever: the great news is that god's mercy and grace abounds and i imagine he's just waiting for us to turn back to him and seek his purposes again, no matter how many times we have "failed". we were destined to fail time and time again. perfection, unfortunately, lies on the other side of eternity.
The weather's perking up as well, with just beautiful sunny skies the past week, although someone today told me it might snow next week. England weather is crazy this year. :)
Ok I hope that's enough updates for now. I'm just "going flat out like a lizzie drinkin'" (i'm learning all these aussie-isms) for school right now as the deadlines are all looming up in my face. Please keep praying for me.
"For who is God, except our LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on high places.
He teaches my hands to make war
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of salvation
Your right hand has held me up
Your gentleness has made me great"
Psalms 18:31-36
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
new new song
here i am
humbled again
before unending grace
reminded of the deepest love
my life forever changed
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
nothing could i do to fix
the empty soul within
but you consumed my every need
now here i stand complete
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all
now i see so now i choose
surrendered to your call
my every breath
and every thought
is for your kingdom's cause
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all
so do in us now what is needed for change
so most desperate souls
can be rescued and saved
your voice will be heard
through your church in the earth
we'll establish your name
so all who call out
can find your refuge and your grace
humbled again
before unending grace
reminded of the deepest love
my life forever changed
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
nothing could i do to fix
the empty soul within
but you consumed my every need
now here i stand complete
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all
now i see so now i choose
surrendered to your call
my every breath
and every thought
is for your kingdom's cause
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause
you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all
so do in us now what is needed for change
so most desperate souls
can be rescued and saved
your voice will be heard
through your church in the earth
we'll establish your name
so all who call out
can find your refuge and your grace
Thursday, March 22, 2007
updates
it's the holidays. just got back from a four-day first aid course that made me want to be a paramedic. :) i'm cool. working on research proposal and looking for a job. please pray. have applied to various but no replies just yet. mmm.. yeah. happy. :)
ecclesiastes 3:11
he has made everything beautiful in his time. but he has left us in the dark - so we can never know what god is up to, whether he's coming or going. eat, drink, and make the most out of your job - it's god's gift.
i love how it's always about doing the simple things and doing it well. elementary, my dear watson. heheh.
ecclesiastes 3:11
he has made everything beautiful in his time. but he has left us in the dark - so we can never know what god is up to, whether he's coming or going. eat, drink, and make the most out of your job - it's god's gift.
i love how it's always about doing the simple things and doing it well. elementary, my dear watson. heheh.
Friday, March 09, 2007
some comforting words
So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs.
God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time.
Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.
1 Peter 5: 6-7
**
Last night's leadership session with gary was just mind-blowingly amazing. i thought i had been pretty much church-ed out with all kinds of sermons and teachings but man, there was just such a freshness and insight last night that made my hair stand up, my spirit lift and my heart scream... GIVE ME MOREEE!!! :)
the best is yet to come.
these are crazy crazy times.
God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time.
Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.
1 Peter 5: 6-7
**
Last night's leadership session with gary was just mind-blowingly amazing. i thought i had been pretty much church-ed out with all kinds of sermons and teachings but man, there was just such a freshness and insight last night that made my hair stand up, my spirit lift and my heart scream... GIVE ME MOREEE!!! :)
the best is yet to come.
these are crazy crazy times.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
majesty majesty
your grace has found me just as i am
empty-handed but alive in your hands
majesty majesty
forever i am changed by your love
in the beauty of your majesty
***
sigh..
empty-handed but alive in your hands
majesty majesty
forever i am changed by your love
in the beauty of your majesty
***
sigh..
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
happy chinese new year
it was definitely something to remember this year, celebrating with gail and brett first at aunty wai's on new year's eve, and then new year dinner in chinatown with some duck, scallops, tofu and crispy noodles. and tomorrow, there's more at chinatown with uncle peter. :) also, had the family thing going with gail and brett with breakfast, sleepover and (random) dinner/food in putney. definitely chinese new year family-ish complete with sardine sleeping, camping in front of tv, lazy days, sleeping after meals, eating off the wok in kitchen, corny jokes and teasing... minus the firecrackers, proper chinese food and ANG POWS!! also definitely miss the folks back home and the dogs and cousins and gambling and cookies and all that.. but it was great being in london with the gail and the brett. it gets better. today was a miracle of sorts with my supervisor.. god's favour is so evident in my life i think i'm continually humbled and blown away by how incredibly good He is.
My running bottom line: God is good; He is God and I am not. :)
My running bottom line: God is good; He is God and I am not. :)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Love
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
Friday, February 02, 2007
t.g.i.f.
i'm ready to sleep all weekend..
but we're going for an outing to john's tomorrow. up at basingstoke.
:)
it's been quite the week. my life is a miracle. god is amazing in my life. i'm growing. all is good. god is good. ok. i'm. outta here.
but we're going for an outing to john's tomorrow. up at basingstoke.
:)
it's been quite the week. my life is a miracle. god is amazing in my life. i'm growing. all is good. god is good. ok. i'm. outta here.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
i kinda need to sleep
the days are getting longer.. it's so pretty outside.. i had two hours of sleep coz was working on this essay. i'm taking baby steps in getting back into school again. god's been so good in my life. and it's gonna be a great night later. i need to do laundry, vacuum my room, and wash all my sheets. it's too yucky. arrghhh..
but meanwhile, good nights. and studio 60 is back. :)
but meanwhile, good nights. and studio 60 is back. :)
pause and reflect
"We know that we all possess knowledge.
Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.
The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.
But the man who loves God is known by God."
1 Cor 8: 1-3
Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.
The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.
But the man who loves God is known by God."
1 Cor 8: 1-3
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
revelation
i used to operate on this impression that i was waiting for my real life to begin.. know what i mean? like for the past years (or almost as long as i could remember), it always seemed like i was constantly dreaming of another life to start that'll be different from the life i was presently living.
i was talking to a friend today and suddenly i had this realization that this is it. my life is for real right now. this is my real life.. heheh... all that is in my hand right now is for real: church, friends, connect, warden, school.. everything. i'm no longer dreaming of another life. i'm happy here.. at this juncture where it seems like my real life is meeting my dreams.
i was talking to a friend today and suddenly i had this realization that this is it. my life is for real right now. this is my real life.. heheh... all that is in my hand right now is for real: church, friends, connect, warden, school.. everything. i'm no longer dreaming of another life. i'm happy here.. at this juncture where it seems like my real life is meeting my dreams.
Monday, January 29, 2007
georgie porgie
georgie porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
georgie porgie went away.
***
and everything about you still makes me smile. :)
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
georgie porgie went away.
***
and everything about you still makes me smile. :)
Friday, January 26, 2007
new song in my head
new from church.. it's gonna feature in the new album i think? stay tuned!
it's a pity that lyrics on blogs alone can't convey the heart and soul of songs the way songs are supposed to be conveyed. heheh.. but it is mostly to remind me of the songs attached to certain seasons of my life, that I am writing the lyrics here. :)
**
let now the weak
say, I have strength
By the spirit of god
that raised Christ from the dead
let now the poor
stand and confess
"Oh my portion is Him
and i'm more than blessed"
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good
Let now your church shine as the bride
that you saw in your heart
as you offer up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed
Those adopted as your own
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good
You asked your son
to carry this:
the heavy cross
our weight of sin
I love you lord
I worship you
hope which was lost
now stands renewed
I give my life
to honour this:
The love of Christ
Our Savior King
it's a pity that lyrics on blogs alone can't convey the heart and soul of songs the way songs are supposed to be conveyed. heheh.. but it is mostly to remind me of the songs attached to certain seasons of my life, that I am writing the lyrics here. :)
**
let now the weak
say, I have strength
By the spirit of god
that raised Christ from the dead
let now the poor
stand and confess
"Oh my portion is Him
and i'm more than blessed"
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good
Let now your church shine as the bride
that you saw in your heart
as you offer up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed
Those adopted as your own
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good
You asked your son
to carry this:
the heavy cross
our weight of sin
I love you lord
I worship you
hope which was lost
now stands renewed
I give my life
to honour this:
The love of Christ
Our Savior King
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Rent!
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes -
how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
or the way that she died.
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love!
"Seasons of love" from Rent (2005)
525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes -
how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
or the way that she died.
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love!
"Seasons of love" from Rent (2005)