some updates

it's been a while since i've written anything here which could classify as an "original thought".. ok an original sentence, at least. I doubt many original thoughts exist anymore but meanwhile, here's an attempt on my part to make sense of the last couple of weeks since I wrote down anything substantial here. So, as a disclaimer, I am writing the next couple of paras partly as documentation for my own personal purposes, and partly to update the 3 or so people who actually read this blog. :D

I was browsing through my journal yesterday night at ministry school (in church, every tuesday nights, led by the very inspirational mark wilkinson) and came across this entry, dated 22 Feb 2007, where I wrote: "It is in the menial tasks which we find ourselves doing that God is exalted. In the backwater, where nobody sees nothing, where the limelight is not focused, it is there that I find joy abounds, and grace abounds even more, for a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving is offered up, in the midst of apathy, doubt, fear, laziness, depression and anger."

Ok, so, the latter part of that previous sentence pretty much summed up frustrated feelings with regards to school that I've experienced in the past year or so. I have never been this unmotivated and apathetic and I have no single source of blame (except maybe myself, for allowing attitudes and work ethic to slide to an all time low). That, with a measure of wrong thinking about life, purpose, destiny - the age old question of "what on earth am I here for?", had led to a long season of paralysis of the brain and will, which for all intent and purposes, I hope is finally coming to an end as I allow truth to renew my thinking, and change my prayer to "ok god, let it be done on earth as it is in heaven".

Anyways, long story short, I was in the shower today and it occurred to me that it's not about how well or badly you start, it's about how well you finish. And yes, I did not exactly had a great start off the blocks this academic year in terms of studies, and yes, I have myself to blame for a lot of the consequences that come about when your default mode is procrastination, yet I am confident that it is God's grace that will ultimately see me through this very challenging season. "There is now no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". God has forgiven. New life awaits. I'm shaking off the guilt and moving into new life. Am also resolving to give it my all again (and again and again), despite previous disappointments, hurts, and all the rubbish that comes with life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on, I say.

Hehheh..

It's definitely a battle I am fighting. But I am confident that God is making my way perfect and arming me with strength. As Shiels my dear mate used to tell me, "we gain strength from the battle, not for the battle.

****

Being thankful in all circumstances, I can definitely look back and think that "wow, god has done great things among us". In school (despite the hang-ups), in church - our connect group is just overflowing and each week is better than the last, in relationships - brett is just about the sweetest, funniest, most generous guy I've met in my life and while I don't think "madly in love" characterizes our relationship just yet, I do know that we are building a solid friendship which will last for life. Brendan in church last night was talking about how important it was to find a "friend of destiny", especially in our partners. Not just someone to fall in love and do life together with, but someone whom you know will run with you with the same amount of passion (or more) for god's purposes of love to be accomplished on this earth.

I did get a job with the accommodation office which is such a blessing. Working two days a week now and i'm so thankful for god's favour. Have amazing friends and colleagues. I think the only thing that's kinda bugging me now is my school work, so please pray for me peeps (ie, you, among the 3 or so people who have read through the ramblings this far:).

it's brett's birthday today. he turns 32. we're just so blessed with the people in our world, with a great church, with our jobs/school, and just about everything in between. challenges are great. they make us stronger. frustration is my friend. he makes me more determined to do well. (or at least he's supposed to. i hope he does!)

:D

God's been just so amazing as well, in engineering circumstances and people to just come and bless us and speak into our lives. I'm just continually being challenged by other people's examples of faith and love.

Was talking to gail and brett today about coming to a point in my life where i'm just so singlemindedly focused on what i know god wants me to do, that i don't know any other way. Just don't know. Other options do not exist. I was thinking about this in reference to a memorial that is just on the field in front of the london eye. The memorial consist of a stone carving of a group of men and women looking south together, with this inscription beneath it: "In memory of the men and women of the who gave their lives in the war of 1941-1945: They went because they saw no other way". I think that whole memorial just encapsulated what I know to be true deep down in my soul, that I want to "go" because I can see no other way. No other cause to live for, and need be, to die for. Reminds me Kierkegaard's famous "Purity of heart is to will one thing" quote which has been resonating in my head for the longest time. The ONE THING. I'm beginning to think that we make the one thing, the one thing. We kinda decide, and god engineers circumstances to lead us time and again to make that decision. Sometimes though we become careless and allow weeds to grow in our garden and circumstances and wrong thinking to cloud our minds and hearts and numb us towards feeling, acknowledging or even caring about what we know to be true deep down in our bones. Or maybe most of the time, we are just too stubborn and proud to acknowledge the true master of our lives. Whichever, however, whatever: the great news is that god's mercy and grace abounds and i imagine he's just waiting for us to turn back to him and seek his purposes again, no matter how many times we have "failed". we were destined to fail time and time again. perfection, unfortunately, lies on the other side of eternity.

The weather's perking up as well, with just beautiful sunny skies the past week, although someone today told me it might snow next week. England weather is crazy this year. :)

Ok I hope that's enough updates for now. I'm just "going flat out like a lizzie drinkin'" (i'm learning all these aussie-isms) for school right now as the deadlines are all looming up in my face. Please keep praying for me.

"For who is God, except our LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on high places.
He teaches my hands to make war
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of salvation
Your right hand has held me up
Your gentleness has made me great"
Psalms 18:31-36

meet him

new new song

here i am
humbled again
before unending grace
reminded of the deepest love
my life forever changed
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause

nothing could i do to fix
the empty soul within
but you consumed my every need
now here i stand complete
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause

you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all

now i see so now i choose
surrendered to your call
my every breath
and every thought
is for your kingdom's cause
and i'll say you're the christ
the most sovereign lord
jesus take my life
to establish your cause

you've captured my heart
and arrested my soul
you gave it all
so i give you control
now and forever
my life is all yours
cause you are the king
the king of all

so do in us now what is needed for change
so most desperate souls
can be rescued and saved
your voice will be heard
through your church in the earth
we'll establish your name
so all who call out
can find your refuge and your grace

updates

it's the holidays. just got back from a four-day first aid course that made me want to be a paramedic. :) i'm cool. working on research proposal and looking for a job. please pray. have applied to various but no replies just yet. mmm.. yeah. happy. :)

ecclesiastes 3:11
he has made everything beautiful in his time. but he has left us in the dark - so we can never know what god is up to, whether he's coming or going. eat, drink, and make the most out of your job - it's god's gift.

i love how it's always about doing the simple things and doing it well. elementary, my dear watson. heheh.

some comforting words

So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs.

God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time.

Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

1 Peter 5: 6-7

**

Last night's leadership session with gary was just mind-blowingly amazing. i thought i had been pretty much church-ed out with all kinds of sermons and teachings but man, there was just such a freshness and insight last night that made my hair stand up, my spirit lift and my heart scream... GIVE ME MOREEE!!! :)

the best is yet to come.

these are crazy crazy times.

majesty majesty

your grace has found me just as i am

empty-handed but alive in your hands

majesty majesty

forever i am changed by your love

in the beauty of your majesty

***

sigh..

it is time

to put to death certain dreams.

yeah.

enough is enough.

happy chinese new year

it was definitely something to remember this year, celebrating with gail and brett first at aunty wai's on new year's eve, and then new year dinner in chinatown with some duck, scallops, tofu and crispy noodles. and tomorrow, there's more at chinatown with uncle peter. :) also, had the family thing going with gail and brett with breakfast, sleepover and (random) dinner/food in putney. definitely chinese new year family-ish complete with sardine sleeping, camping in front of tv, lazy days, sleeping after meals, eating off the wok in kitchen, corny jokes and teasing... minus the firecrackers, proper chinese food and ANG POWS!! also definitely miss the folks back home and the dogs and cousins and gambling and cookies and all that.. but it was great being in london with the gail and the brett. it gets better. today was a miracle of sorts with my supervisor.. god's favour is so evident in my life i think i'm continually humbled and blown away by how incredibly good He is.
My running bottom line: God is good; He is God and I am not. :)

today

is a new day.

with no mistakes yet.

and everything beautiful.

and it will all be okay.

the year of magical thinking

what a day..
sigh.
:)

Love

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

t.g.i.f.

i'm ready to sleep all weekend..

but we're going for an outing to john's tomorrow. up at basingstoke.

:)

it's been quite the week. my life is a miracle. god is amazing in my life. i'm growing. all is good. god is good. ok. i'm. outta here.

i kinda need to sleep

the days are getting longer.. it's so pretty outside.. i had two hours of sleep coz was working on this essay. i'm taking baby steps in getting back into school again. god's been so good in my life. and it's gonna be a great night later. i need to do laundry, vacuum my room, and wash all my sheets. it's too yucky. arrghhh..
but meanwhile, good nights. and studio 60 is back. :)

pause and reflect

"We know that we all possess knowledge.
Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.
The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.
But the man who loves God is known by God."
1 Cor 8: 1-3

revelation

i used to operate on this impression that i was waiting for my real life to begin.. know what i mean? like for the past years (or almost as long as i could remember), it always seemed like i was constantly dreaming of another life to start that'll be different from the life i was presently living.

i was talking to a friend today and suddenly i had this realization that this is it. my life is for real right now. this is my real life.. heheh... all that is in my hand right now is for real: church, friends, connect, warden, school.. everything. i'm no longer dreaming of another life. i'm happy here.. at this juncture where it seems like my real life is meeting my dreams.

georgie porgie

georgie porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
georgie porgie went away.

***

and everything about you still makes me smile. :)

new song in my head

new from church.. it's gonna feature in the new album i think? stay tuned!

it's a pity that lyrics on blogs alone can't convey the heart and soul of songs the way songs are supposed to be conveyed. heheh.. but it is mostly to remind me of the songs attached to certain seasons of my life, that I am writing the lyrics here. :)

**
let now the weak
say, I have strength
By the spirit of god
that raised Christ from the dead

let now the poor
stand and confess
"Oh my portion is Him
and i'm more than blessed"

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king

*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good

Let now your church shine as the bride
that you saw in your heart
as you offer up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed
Those adopted as your own

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all
for your son's
holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king

*We love you lord
we worship you
You are our God
You alone are good

You asked your son
to carry this:
the heavy cross
our weight of sin

I love you lord
I worship you
hope which was lost
now stands renewed

I give my life
to honour this:
The love of Christ
Our Savior King

Rent!

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes -
how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love!

"Seasons of love" from Rent (2005)

some great news

i got my passport back from home office.

my visa's extended till april 2011.

it was written as 1 APR/AVR 11 and my first reaction was.. oh no.. april the 11th? that's it?

I was looking for the "O8" number.

couldn't find it. almost panicked. and then realized that OH MY GOD IT'S APRIL 2011!!! wooohooo...
hooohhooowooohooo.. heheehhe.. like for real.

yeah.

so..

it's all good. :)

a higher calling

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.
Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love.
Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant.
He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.
Love like that.

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.
Christ's love makes the church whole.
His words evoke her beauty
Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness."

Ephesians 5: 1-2; 25-28

(disclaimer: i think the last bit is not reserved to husbands only.. the model of christ-love is for all.. guys just have no excuse now. heheh)

i love how the bible paradoxically sets us a standard of living that is super-high yet incredibly simple and basic at the same time: just love. "extravagant.. giving everything of himself to us..love like that." yet how easily and often we fall short and give up on people.

i'm committed to being your friend. (**except when im busy, in a bad mood, having anxiety attacks, pissed off at the world, having pms, post-teen angst, you get the idea.. then i think it's time for you to be my friend and show some love my way.)

:)

Day of days

1. I met with my supervisor and she was happy with my progress. (This is a big deal. She hasn't been happy with my progress for a long time. I had not shown progress in a long time. My last indication of progress was finishing my Master's reasonably well).

2. I presented my research proposal to my cohort and they liked it. The questions weren't too un-unswerable. I withstood a whole solid hour-long session of question and answer. Phew.

3. I came up with a good 10-sentence critique of D's research. (This is a big deal. One of my self-imposed challenges this year is to speak up more in class).

4. I had a free dinner.

5. I am tired. And relieved. And just feel like celebrating coz last week I was quite sure I was gonna get kicked out of school this week. Like mega-relieved.

6. It's a new day tomorrow. New in every sense of the word.

7. London's freezing overnight. Just three days ago, you could happily walk out with a summer jacket. Today, I had four layers (three thick, one thin) and I felt like I could do with another layer. And I've heard rumours of snow for tomorrow.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23

it's a gale

and the building's a rockin'.

sigh.

oh for tomorrow.

echoes

"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Romans 7:18-20

i love

how the days are getting longer.

feeling just slighty bitty ill. like tired. like physically tired.

and like.. like..

ggrrr

not smiling anymore.

i stupidly left my library card home
and it's annoying me so.
of course i shouldn't let it get to me..
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok. gggrrr.. sharks.

breathe.

i found my student oyster.

i wanna sleep.

time to go home.

...

still smilin.. :)

ahhh..

and everything about you still makes me smile.. :D

in the library

"and i still.. haven't found.. what i'm looking for.."

arghh

my right eye hurts. think been reading with lousy light too long. have to close one eye to ease the ache. feeling like a one-eyed-jack right now..

***

on a sudden-fit-of-inspiration note..

Ephesians 1: 11-12: It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

so yeah..

:)

resolution

get off your bum!! :D

at the turn of 2006

So I managed to squeeze in some quality solitutde time the past one-and-half days after gail and ayu left for leicester and cardiff respectively. Set my room in (some resemblence of) order, shipped out all the accumulated dirty dishes, and got rid of all the christmas leftovers (except the chocolate). Also settled down to read, think and just reflect on god, life and where all of it is heading and to be honest, i alternate between being scared shitless and (trying to be) "steadfast, immovable, always abounding..") a lot.. especially every morning (or noon, nowdays) in trying to wake up.

it's like a 50 first dates scenario, where i wake up and feel like screaming, coz am pretty much scared and doubtful about everything.. sleep is a comfort. i wanna burrow back under the covers and get lost in my dreams where everything's easy and even if it turns out to be a nightmare, heck it's only a dream and i'll soon wake up from it.

but waking up to reality.. man.. that's a scenario that if viewed from a certain perspective, is more haunting than your scariest nightmare.

and then i play my music and i remind myself about the one truth that matters: god loves me. it's christ in me the hope of glory. god's on my side. it's gonna be okay, it will. just. breathe. and get your ass movin.

and it's all fine and i'm happy and at peace again in the comforting knowledge of amazing grace..

it's almost a daily struggle (especially lately) that it's not funny.. but i think im getting better at reducing the time between feelings of hopelessness and "let's get moving baby and feel free to change the world.."

but it also hits me throughout the day.. especially when i think (too much) about my deadlines and what's ahead next year, i get these panic attacks..

and it's like, ok god, heeellpppppp...

was browsing through some notes that i took during church about a month ago when scott wilson was in town. he was talking about how most people feel, act and then think, but how we should think, understand, get wisdom to act, and then adjust our feelings accordingly. in other words, we act our way into our feelings, instead of acting how we feel.

one of those "easy to preach, hard to do" kinda scenarios hey.. but i guess everybody goes through it and it's an act of faith to be thankful despite the overwhelming negative feelings.

besides, feelings come and go, hence proving to be a pretty shaky foundation to allow our lives to be based upon..

oooo reminds me of matt redman's song:
"every blessing you pour out
i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, god
still I will say: blessed be the name of the lord.."

anyways, i've been reading the psalms again.. really good stuff. definitely in-season. will blog more about that later.

also flew the london eye earlier today. had a ticket that was expiring on the 31st of december so after obssessing about who to give it to for days, finally decided (in typical last minute fashion) to just get my ass down there and just do it.. the last time i rode the eye was with gail, danz and edmond, but that was during the day. this time around, it was london at night and wow, it was worth the (rather short) walk and (not so) lengthy queue. :) the night was clear, i could see right up to (what i suspect is) putney, and westmister was shimmering gold.. ahhhh.. and the higher it went, the better the view became. all the usual suspects were there: st paul's, the bridges, the gherkin, hyde park, centre point, telecom towers, ben, nelson, etc.. hmm.. i can't remember if tower bridge was there.. but in any case, definitely a view to remember, tuck away, and bring to mind next time to ubat future london rindu. :)

meanwhile, there's a party tomorrow to prepare for.. and tank rides.. (yes you read correctly, TANK RIDES.. yes yes, ARMY TANK RIDES with a real Major. hehe) and people to catch up with.. and good conversation to be had, and plenty more surprises.. and so, i should sleep now..

and in case i don't get to blog before the year is over, here's wishing everyone a great year ahead.. :)

coz the best is yet to come..

and you better believe it.

:)

two books

that are currently wow-ing my mind..

Christ plays in ten thousand places, by Eugene Peterson

The ragamuffin gospel, by Brennan Manning

excerpts to follow soon!

selah

"This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild
Had Mary been filled with reason
There’d have been no room for the child.."

- After Annunciation by Madeleine L’Engle

merry christmas!!

much loves and such from gwaace and gwail... :D

christmas pictures

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81906409@N00/

excerpts from my brand new (old) book

"I used to think that I needed to get all my motives straightened out before I could pray, really pray. I would be in some prayer group, for example, and I would examine what I had just prayed and think to myself, "How utterly foolish and self-centered; I can't pray this way!" And so I would determine never to pray again until my motives are pure. You understand, I did not want to be a hypocrite. I knew that God is holy and righteous. I knew that prayer is no magic incantation. I knew that I must not use God for my own ends. But the practical effect of all this internal soul searching was to completely paralyse my ability to pray.

The truth of the matter is, we all come to prayer with a tangled mass of motives - altrusitic and selfish, merciful and hateful, loving and bitter. Frankly, this side of eternity we will never unravel the good from the bad, the pure from the impure. but what I have come to see is that God is big enough to receive us with all our mixture. We do not have to be bright, or pure, or filled with faith, or anything. That is what grace means, and not only are we saved my grace, we live by it as well. And we pray by it.

from Richard Foster (1992) - "Prayer: Finding the heart's true home"

***

True, whole prayer is nothing but love - St. Augustine

***

wahhaahh.. cool hey. so the biggest birthday surprise of them all was when gail turned up unexpectedly at my door and yelled "Surprise!" So yea, it gets betterrrr.. she's spending christmas here as well.. yeahhh... woohooo.. hahahaha..lol... mwahahaha.. best ever.

i think i should return to the gym!

:)

twenty-five plus one day

From: Grace Choong <*********@gmail.com> Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: Undisclosed-Recipients
Date: Dec 19, 2006 11:45 AM
Subject: happy twenty-five me!

dear family (both biological and non),

hello from london!! :)

i turn 25 today.

cool huh.

thanks for all the well-wishes (both real and imagined).. hehe. wish
you all were here coz im throwing a party tonight in my room and it'd
be great if you all could be here..

but since you can't, let me just say, that 25 is rocking, i'm thankful
to be alive and living in the most happening city in the world...
blessed in every area.. God has been so so good.. and bring on the
next 25 years, coz i think it'll only get better.. heheh..

so here's to a quarter-life celebration!

im on christmas vacation now. have a bit of a sore throat and slight
fever actually.. it has been a really really long term.. and the past
few weeks were just madness jumping from one activity to another..

but birthdays are good to slow down and have some mindless fun hey. my friend and i are going to check out the leicester square fun fair and try our best to win a huge soft toy. (huge = about 3 feet). :D (uncle peter and i went last week but was unsuccessful in our quest.)

so it's all good. :)

have a great christmas yea, even as we take time to remember the God
who came down to dwell among us..

love to all,

g.g.g.g..g.ggggrraacceee

the last day of twenty-four

thankful to be alive and extremely extremely thankful for heavenly
grace(s) and small miracles as experienced in the everyday..

:D

life gets better and sweeter each day.. what more could i say?

of many things..

skiing was too cool even though i suck at it. Can't seem to control my speed. Fell down a million times under many embarrassing circumstances but didn't break anything, thankfully. :) The mountains were gorgeous and ayu and i met whole bunch of interesting people from all over the world.. and we discovered that we rock at racing cars on playstation. haha. oh oh, french food is so yummy.. our chef gets better everyday at producing the best meals ever.. although nothing much beats shariff's nasi kandar.

flew back saturday morning straight into preparing for our church's connect group christmas party. it was quite amazing.. beautiful decorations, yummy food, and all around super atmosphere and people. We had no program but the party just assumed a life of its own.. the best part was when the people started limbo-rocking and dancing.. :) it was truly a night to remember. i love the guys in my life.. When i say jump, they ask, how high? heheheh.. it was too good to be true man.. i love my church.. if you haven't already gathered by now.. it's the best thing in london. :)

now that all the fun is over, i'm getting back to school work and sorting out priorities. oh for wisdom from above!

have quite the week coming up: uncle pete down on weds/thurs, graduation on thursday, connect group on thursday, essay deadline on friday, party on friday night in putney, possible breakfast on saturday.. and i kinda need to catch up on sleep as well. december is by far my favourite month, always.

something interesting that i read in the toilet this morning:

"For what we need to know, of course, is not just that God exists, not just that beyond the steely brightness of the stars there is a cosmic intelligence of some kind that keeps the whole show going, but that there is a God right here in the thick of our day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about himself in the stars but in one way or another is trying to get messages through our blindness as we move around down here knee-deep in the fragrant muck and misery and marvel of the world. It is not objective proof of God's existence that we want but the experience of God's presence. That is the miracle that we are really after, and that is also, I think, the miracle that we really get." - Frederick Buechner

cool hey. :)

have a great month everyone!

head tune

"mercy falling down on me
mercy falling down on me
and i am free
and i am free.. "

:D

random acts of kindness.. to me!

keith my newest hero came over to repair my apple hdd.. the best part is, he works for apple computers and i hardly even know him. how amazing and cool is that. and i had to leave for church midway while he was here but he happily stayed and did everything everything even when the installer won't work and the screw from the old hdd wouldn't come off.. he stayed and fixed it all up..

and coming back from church i was so hungry i could eat a horse and raj was so kind he gave me some food which i heated up and ate with rice from my neighbour mili. also had cake from girish and agar agar from another neighbour whose name i had forgotten but mannnnn... i'm blessed beyond belief.

:)

Yea it's been quite the two months so far. God has just been so great.. Bankside has been such da bomb..everything and more.. and i just love it, love it all.

I just need to get my research proposal moving. i'm quite looking forward to the whole thing actually. anthropology rocks.

coming up: ski holiday!! watch this space. :D

an irrational season

:D

a weekend to remember

brighton was like a sweet dream and coming back to london was like coming back to everything nice and yummy and homey. if only we had a fireplace, things would be wow extra cosy. can't get over how the nicest things happen so spontaneously. god is truly amazing..

and everything about you makes me smile. :D

hehhehehheeeeeeeee....

dear g-in-the-future,

i've never been as happy to be here than now. now now now is the new
day. now is da time. and even though certain things (such as school)
could be a lot better, I have more things to be thankful for than to
complain about. good friends, good neighbours, good workmates, good
teachers (kinda..), and don't forget, that you are the disciple whom Jesus loves.

mmm. mm..mmm..

wokies.

:)

g-now.

not-so-new song

"standing here
in your presence
thinking of the good things you have done
waiting here
patiently
just to hear your still small voice again
holy
righteous
faithful to the end
savior
healer
redeemer and friend"
- For who you are, by Marty Sampson

(it sounds better with the music)

randomization

been rather busy. church had conference and i was volunteering. darlene zschech spoke in church today and it was so good.

had indian buffet today.

seet yuan came to visit for the weekend. daniel's coming tomorrow (or today).

term starts tomorrow (or today).

i have no jobs pending. how wonderful that feeling. (soon to be gone tomorrow.. or today).

i'm quite broke. hehe.

also quite happy.

and all that.

heard stu g live.

life is so short!

worlds apart

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
wipe away the crimson stains
that dull the nails that still remain

more and more i need you now
i owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago

so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and clense my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide

take the beauty take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now

and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain

so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears

take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

- jars of clay

dear danz

yeah so. im back. like i said, it's easier to update everyone here about what's going on in my (not-so) happening life, instead of explaining myself 10,000 times.. so next time when we meet we'll just skip the awkward what have you been doing in london questions and head right into "yeah, so i read that you are now dating this hot londoner.."

:P

or not.

so, i'm now in the basement of the school's old building. it stinks here coz it's near the gym and locker rooms.. like musky sweaty testosterone smell.. eww. speaking of which, im thinking of joining a gym. Gym Box, to be exact. only it's gonna cost too much.. :P :)

meanwhile, i handed in my dissertation on time last thursday and it's been too much fun not living in anticipation of crucial deadlines. just moved into new place at bankside. am the *shudder* subwarden of the hall.. haha.. but the students are not in yet so im just basically living there without working, for now, coz the place is being turned into a motel so there's all these random people walking around. im quite anonymous and unknown in the building.. which is too much fun. :)

also started this other webct job which is keeping me busy.. although i havent really put any work into it yet..

my hdd is sick. it's making weird noises and working really slowly. takes me half an hour of coaxing to start it up. have to reboot few times before it actually moves into "starting mac os x mode" so im a little worried. waiting for tech support who'll hopefully come on friday..

i bought a new rug for my room. £20 from gumtree.com. i like my new place. i thought last year's covent garden was pretty unbeatable, but then i took a walk along the waterfront at night from london bridge to my place and my gosh, the view was gorgeous. could see st pauls, lights from the bridges, the city up north, ships, wind, smelly water, whole works. :) too cool. it's just a whole different atmosphere down by the river (as compared to theatreland), and i.love.it.as.much.as.i.did.the.old.place.. :D

have couple of weeks before week-long pre-sessional quantitative methods on the 20th and then term on the 27th (i think?) and then beginning october it'll be crazy until december..

so am taking it easy, relaxing, and thanking god for today, coz vasu's gonna help me move my old stuff from storage at his shop to my new place. and he's gonna loan me his small tv (with in built dvd player) and mini mini fridge for my room, to last me the whole year.

groovy. :D

come visit. my room's huge. and now that i've the tv, fridge, rug, er.. that's it? maybe a sofa in the future, and christmas lights, it's gonna be quite the pad.

x

home..

is too much fun.

alex my other flatmate and me

at wagamama's. he helped me move all my stuff to drurylane for pick up and ruined the big already half-ruined suitcase in the process. hehhhh.. alex is too sweet and the kindest englishman ever. from some angles he looks like volverine. :D

i saw

a fox on the street outside my house while going for a run earlier.

it was kinda running away from a very territorial cat.

it looked at me, i tried to get it to come so i could pet it.

but it doesn't respond to doggie calls. instead, it ran down bedford avenue, looking so frightened and vulnerable that i wanted to tangkap dan bungkus back to my room, give it a warm bath, fluffy towels, tuck it nicely to bed and feed it hot chocolate.

this is the second fox i've seen on the streets here in london. :)

some other pictures

my siberian tiger. (it's actually gail's and it's actually smaller than it looks in that picture)


wagner at the royal albert hall.


somewhere out there is the queen in purple, on her 80th birthday.


my uncle and my cousin..

one fine afternoon on june 11

this was when gail and i stood in line that sunday to get into church for united live. we arrived at the dominion at 4 meaning to get into the 4:30 service, but ended up queing for the 6:45 service instead.

if you zoom really closely, you can see joel houston right in the centre and marty sampson on his right.

it was totally worth it. the queue, the heat, the exam the next day... wowww.. all good stuff... can still hear marty sampson's pseudo-martin smith voice "swinggg lowwww....." in my head.. :D

finding of the month

the english.. :D

matt my flatmate and me

from some angles, he looks like hugh grant.
especially when he smiles.. and according to him, some people say also in mannerism.
:D

while ordering kimchi and tofu

so aunty wai and i met for our last tryst this season at oriental city..

and when aunty wai visits oriental city, it's like a celebrity making an entrance..

she'll wave at everybody and say hi to someone every 2 seconds.. and i get introduced as her "kai lui" (god-dotter)

too much fun. :D

anyways, i was returning from the korean store with my food when i saw the letter on the table. apparently it got mailed to her house a few weeks ago and she had left a message on gail's voice mail which i couldn't check coz her line got barred.. since then, she had been carrying it in her handbag with the hope of meeting me.. not knowing its contents... and me happily unaware of its existance.. (coz i was expecting something of that nature only in mid-august..)

so i opened the nondescript-looking envelope, and voila, inside was a letter from the financial office saying that the school's gonna give me a research studentship which will cover 90% of my incredibly expensive tuition fee for a year.

groovy hey.. so i now have a place to stay, have tuition (for the year at least) taken care of.. kinda.. yeah it's taken care of.. and a job when i return in september at my favourite photo developing centre on kingsway. heheh. is that great or is that great?

aunty wai thought at first that it was for 1,000 quid.. and then she found out that it was 10,000quid after examining it closer and almost fell out of her chair. the guy next to us, eating noodles, looked in our direction and said approvingly, "wow.. that's really good..that's a good skolarship", the guy behind us texting on his phone was staring and smiling at both of us.. and the family next to us were complaining loudly in cantonese that the food didn't have enough soy sauce. me, i was just sitting there finding it all quite amusing while practising my fake english accent (and manners) with aunty wai.

so anyways, i appear to be quite set for the year... god's so taking care of me and everything's so falling into place i'm quite in awe to the point that i'm just like wow.. ok god.. work your magic again.. i'm not even gonna think too much about it. hehhhehh... thanks to those who have prayed and been so supportive. this is as much yours as it is mine. then again, i don't really feel like it's mine. it's a strange love-hate attachment that i feel towards my studies... sometimes.. (maybe coz i sometimes think that it's all quite alotta bullshit.. ok that's not entirely true.. but it's not easy to do meaningful anthropology and you do end up reading quite some bs.)

but whattodo hey, it's been entrusted to me in the meantime. so rilek dan minum dulu.

and by the way, did i mention that

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME!! TOMORROW WON'T COME SOON ENOUGH!!! WAAAAAILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!~! *sob

:)

*sob

what to do ya.. what to do.

*sob

so like that lah..

:D

and so how ya..

i'm restless..

just spent the day with my uncle, aunt and cousin whom i've not met in over 10 years.. was surprised we still recognized each other. my aunt kept getting me and abigail mixed up and we had to tell her a few times that she was indeed talking to g. lol. they were too sweet.. took me shopping, told me old stories about my mom and her london years, and helped filled up the missing gap in mom's family history. tough life and i guess every parent want more than they ever had for their kids.. and i think my mom's the same as well. with what she knew and what she had and what she could dream about, she perhaps dreamt for us, in her own way... and i am grateful. i think the older i get the more i realize how human my parents are, and how hard they try the best they knew how to. and i think that's all we can ever aspire too.. doing the best we can, making things up as we go along.. coz there is no prescribed mode of happiness, is there? there's no set one way to live as well.. with some heavenly butt-kicking along the way, the best we can do is to do the best we can. lol. talk about a circular sentence that..

and so how ya.. one life to live, one chance to make it, multiple chances to screw up or to take breaks along the way.. or to call a time-out halfway through this long long race.. in the end, may it all count towards something. if not, might as well die now hey.

may his grace be sufficient for you.

old song

he has brought us thus far by his grace
he has led us by fire and by cloud
to bring us to zion
his praises to sing
o blessed
o blessed be God

he has sheltered under his wings
and he's planned every path that we trod
he will bring us to zion
to look on his face
o blessed
o blessed be God

jabber jabber

jabber jabber
jabber jabber jabber jabber sharif jabber jabber
jabber jabber
jabber
*wink to d.

now reading

soldiers of light, by daniel bergner: a narrative of travels in sierra leone

beyond rights talk and culture talk, by mahmood mamdani

*sob

i wannnna gooo hommmmmmeeeeee waillll waiilll *sob

someday upon a moon..

i'll remember the time
we gathered
like family

WAILLLL!!~!~!~

i wanna go home. :(

so today

the power went off in church but we carried on anyway till they shooed us outta the theatre. weirdest part was that they gave the altar call after the worship (they usually do that after preaching) and 30 seconds after tim prayed with those who wanted to make their peace with god, the theatre went dark and i thought.. wow.. super cool. for about 3 seconds i thought it was part of the program.. you can never tell, with church. :D

like wow..

The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour’s glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations–these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit–immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously–no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.
-C.S. Lewis The Weight of Glory

midweek update

i accidentally got my flight invoice meant for the school's financial office. the amount of the ticket and the excess baggage i'm allowed (10kg) totalled a whopping 900 quid. wahhah. still find it unbelievable that someone's spending that amount of money on me.. and more..

got an essay result back today.. glad my professor liked it coz by the time i was due to hand it in, i had already read it a million times and was ready to rip it apart and start over.. :)

meanwhile, am exploring other horizons..

pleasant ways

i love the fact that even though it's my last month here in london for this season, i'm still meeting new friends who have in their own special way, made life a little more interesting. my flatmates, for instance, are too cute it's unbelievable. we had a problem with the landlady again coz the person whose room i am renting didn't exactly clear it up with her and she was a little pissed. the boys, however, were trying their best to be on my side and standing up for me even though they've only met me for less than a week.. heheh.. something which i find incredible. i think ax can qualify as the first proper english english friend friend i've met here and he is just so sweet while mt is quite mental. this little room in this crazy flat is definitely one of those things which i wouldn't have gotten even if i had placed a high-priority ad for it. too much fun and i'm quite thankful and surprised by joy.. again.

also met some incredible people by just hanging out on houghton street in school last week with the usual black suspects. had my boss's brand new Canon 30D with me and managed to capture howard davis on a bicycle.. met e from nigeria and we had the most bizzare conversation about a lot of nonsense which got crazier after finding out that we both attended hillsong. hehhehh.. brought him to connect group with me after bumping to him again in school just before i was heading off to waterloo last thursday.

saw tosca and turandot at the roh on monday and friday. turandot especially was pretty amazing.. imagine an italian opera, set in imperial china, playing in london... cool hey.. talk about cosmopolitanism. this monday, will be going for a turandot singalong at the royal opera house with kavita. have not been to one of those before so will be quite the experience singing nessum dorma with a bunch of other crazy people. :D

had dinner with friend from filipins now in london, marcel, and his friends today. brought them to my favourite chinatown restaurant which they all adored and declared their most favourite place to eat as well, and then we went walking around soho, covent garden and the west end. london's too lovely in summer coz it doesn't get dark till about 10 and even then, the night is bright. and the weather is just perfect..

so this week feels like a series of divine connections.. god's grace is just so super amazing and i'm just living this life not really thinking or in hyper-planning mode, but just..chilling.

flight's booked home for august 1st and i will be back in september. i'm calling things that are not as though they are.. coz nothing major's confirmed yet except the place on the phd programme and a place to live at bankside. oh and a job at my favourite kingsway shop. :)

london's beginning to feel like home.. as in, it's not as intimidating or unfriendly as it was when i first got here.. now i feel more ownership towards it.. if that makes any sense.

then again nothing much makes sense at 2:50 in the morning. problem was i slept in the afternoon today after cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom.. so sleeping pattern's a bit skewed. oh i went running at regent's park last thurs at 7am.. which is unusual behavior but i couldn't help it coz the sun was out and sleeping seemed like a waste of time. it's only been my second time there (coz st james park was closer to previous residence). it's so pretty though and apparently the roses are in bloom but i couldnt find any so i'm definitely going back. they're probably located at another section of the park.

also reading a few books simultaneously for dissertation. i figured i gotta write about 500 words a day over a period of 20 days to finish the thing before going home. the writing part isn't difficult.. i firstly just need to know clearly what i wanna say.. which is the tough part. need another miracle hey..:)

coda

so today's my last day at g17, 141-143 drury lane, london wc2b 5tb.
so sad to leave.. it's been too much fun here, definitely made sweeter by friends from home who were here to visit!! :)
i'm moving two blocks up to holborn into a flat with three english blokes. it's gonna be a bit tricky coz i'm subletting from the 4th english bloke who didn't tell his housemates that i was gonna move in, and didn't tell his landlady either.. so he's in trouble with them and her.. and one of the housemates told me that i'm in danger of being evicted..lol. but the housemates i've met so far are pretty nice and we get along and i think we even like each other (as people). they're decent final year lse students.. and i'm like the best flatmate anybody will ever get.. :) besides, i just want a place for a month to go to work at my photoshop on kingsway and church at tottenham court road and write my dissertation at nights and the location of that flat is so perfect i dont wanna move out or be evicted. so, keep praying for a peacable solution!! :) anyhow i'm gonna be there tomorrow and they can't get rid of me even if they wanted to coz i'm this poor asian girl with nowhere to go.. :D so help me, God.

miracle

so remember how i thought i did badly for the exams

and was crying for three days after my first paper

and just couldnt function

to the point that

my sister had to come down from leicester to hold my hand

coz i thought i was gonna die

and after the exam

i just chucked all my notes

into a box

and wanted to dump it

over the waterloo bridge

into the thames

coz looking at them

was too upsetting

?

WELL GOD IS SO AWESOME AS ALWAYS COS I GOT A DISTINCTION FOR THAT HORRIBLE PAPER AND ANOTHER FOR THIS OTHER NOT AS HORRIBLE BUT KINDA TRAUMATIZING AS WELL ANTHROPOLOGY PAPER!!!

hehehhehehehehahhahahaa

i couldnt believe it when i saw the marks. i had to ask my tutor if those were really my marks and if indeed she hadn't confused them. wow. god is so awesome. this is a miracle.. wow.

...

and so we talked, fiddling about our own pcs, searching for excuses to keep going, not wanting the moment to end.. :)

so..

a bizzare five minute interview and 4 hours later, i got the email.

*newsflash*

I got the job!!

ok ok so it's a subwarden position at an lse hall of residence.. no investment banking for me, but at least this will help offset living expenses for phd next year and save me the trouble of looking for a place to stay and paying for rent.

groovy.

:)

of falangie

an old uni friend came to visit today. had not seen her in years so was quite glad to hug her hello right on long acre. felt a bit surreal but the whole year has been quite that. gail, reggie and i then went to our (gail, kavita and mine) favourite indian buffet on drummand street, which has the best fried purple cabbage ever. :D

i've been thinking, that sometimes i seem to be searching for that something to kickstart my "real life", but the truth is, the stuff that make life worth living is usually right in front of me and within my grasp.. not some mad impossibility.. but so "normal" that i often bypass it in search of the spectacular, quite ignorant that the spectacular is to be found, first and foremost, in the ordinary.. "grace is but glory begun, glory is but grace perfected." (random quote i picked up from the west wing.)

still, there is much magic yet to be found and experienced. lift up your eyes!! coz the best is yet to come, as always. :)

now reading..

the poisonwood bible, by barbara kingslayer.
this book is just rockin.

**

ok so,
my exams are over
now all that's left is the dissertation.

**

i didn't get this receptionist job that i really wanted
which is okay
cos now
i'm making plans
to go holidaying
at someplace exotic
like turkey
or egypt
or liberia
or maybe
just home.

**

ps: HURRY UP ENGLAND!!! :D

so sweet??

along kingsway, again. i dunno what it is on kingsway that inspire all this threesome hand-holding thingys..

so sweet..

i saw them while i was heading to sainsbury's along kingsway. i followed them across the road and ran ahead to take their picture. they were tottering along at 0.01mph, too busy focusing on the road and holding each other to notice me. i wonder what's their story..

woohooo

so yeah.. it's past midnight and i'm trying to get to bed but i can't seem to. feels like my brain sudah tepu dengan maklumat serbaguna for exam this thursday and i just wanna fall asleep coz i can't digest anymore information but body don't seem to wanna cooperate. maybe i should go running and tire it out..

but it's past midnight!! a walk? waterloo bridge? tower bridge?:P i love the river too much..

i'm moving out of this place come the 30th. kinda sad coz i like it so much and my room's so cozy with lotsa fun memories and 'tis prime location.. hopefully news of summer job will come tomorrow so i can look for a place accordingly. if tak dapat kerje, i'm thinking of going home mid-summer.. :)

church was pretty cool today.. had groovy speaker aussie dude from sydney who spoke about faith and believing for miracles and how miracles happen when you AND god get together and he kinda makes it happen but ya gotta ask and believe and have faith. and i was just thinking about how simple it is, really, and how i can be so idiotic sometimes worrying about things i cannot change and not letting go of the past and not trusting coz perhaps i think that by me thinking and obssessing about it and obssessing could change the situation. but the rreality is that of courrse i can't change nuthin and god sez don't worry be happy and so i will do just that. hehhehh..

can't wait for exams to be over. just eight more days and counting.. then i'll be free free free as free as a birdy to go touring round london, start my new exercise regime *ehhem*, go walking everywhere, get involved in church, go sit in parks and write and read and do all sorts of fun things with summer. nowdays dawn kicks in around 4 and twilight at 9. everything looks so bright and sunny and pretty during the day. the sky is blue the sun is out it is not cold anymore and i'm superly happy except that i can't go outdoors but gotta sit indoors and admire the sky from my limited-view window coz i hafta study about industrialization strategies, the history of capitalism and albert hirschmann.. among others. i'm coming to the realization that an inherent problem here is that i don't buy it enough. as in, i read it, i understand where the writers are coming from, and i go like, yea whatever.. yet another earth-shaking theory about building states, institutions and reducing global poverty and i hope it helps the world, i really do. perhaps i'm not interested enough in global development issues.. yet on the other hand, i think i am.. otherwise i wouldn't be here. i just don't trust what i'm learning... We sometimes more than anything appear to be doing post-mortems on what did not work (based on past experiments on living communities) and studying new grand theories that appeared after tweaking the last failed grand theory. and the cases that did work, ie south korea, taiwan et al, came about not coz of foreign intervention but mostly coz they had leaders who were committed to nation building, dedicated, worked their butts off, and had more than a bit of common sense not to be dependent on the West nor buy into their prescriptions. So, so much for the white man's burden and so much for ivy-league trained neo-liberal economists with their economic models and prescriptions..

but what do i know? i'm just a girl from some kampung who thinks the best meal in the world is nasi kandar wrapped in plastic and newspaper from a kedai tepi longkang called Shariff's.

so give me 8 more days and all that will be a distant memory.. i think i will live.

but what do i really buy?

top 10 tips for taking exams..

1. don't read more than necessary - what's on the reading list will suffice.
2. don't study the night before the exam.
3. watch a movie the night before the exam.
4. get enough sleep - 10 hours is quite ideal
5. bring food and water into the exam hall
6. bring watch.
7. don't panic
8. eat well.
9. go shopping.
10. releks..

sigh.
no biggie. just an exam. ok. breathe. enough. i wanna gohommmeeee WAIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

no actually, i just finished another exam and i wanna watch da vinci code. :D

better is

a sister nearby than a brother far away. :D

i will.

over

ok i'm done moping.

it's over and fifty years from now i won't even remember it coz heck, it's just an exam.. :D i think it's mostly my pride that's at stake and that's why i was upset. coz it's like i kinda know all this stuff and yet i can't seem to write them down coherently when the pressure's on and i start thinking that the exam is NOT AN ACCURATE APPRAISAL OF MY ABILITIES COZ I THINK I'M SMARTER THAN I APPEAR TO BE... or so i thought. But now i'm back to.. aish.. it's just ya know.. lots of facts and theories which people argue about all the time and change their minds about all the time as well.. so, no biggie. what do i know? and what do i care as well? i know nothing, except that god loves me, the best is yet to come, my future is in the best of hands, and i should start studying for the next paper.. :D

philippians 4:4-7 rejoice in the lord always. again i will say, rejoice! let your gentleness be known to all men. the Lord is at hand. be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.

peace.

so

i'm really upset about the exam because i studied hard for it, it's my favourite subject, i know i know my stuff, i read books associated with the subject outside the reading list for fun, and in retrospect, the questions weren't really that difficult as it allowed much room for creative answers. i just don't know why i couldn't organize my thoughts then. everything came out as this massive jumble.. there was no clarity in my head, nor in my answers. and i know that if i were to take the exam right now, in this room, at this point in time, i could have easily figured out the most structured way to answer the questions. and so, i'm really pissed.. at geertz, durkheim, bourdieu, malinowski, weber and marx, but most of all, at myself.

i need.. a miracle.

*burp

bailey's and tomyam do not mix.
stomach.
upset.
:(

where is

faith, when i need it the most?

one down, three to go

ok it was not great. first of all, the questions were really different this year. if one had only studied individual topics, na-ah, wouldn't have happened. you'd have to read EVERYTHING to be able to answer any of it decently. there was this guy in front of me, he was fidgeting in his desk. he went to the loo, sat down, drank water, ate a snickers bar. i could see that he was really nervous and didn't have anything to say because if you had stuff to write you wouldn't go to the toilet. me, i was frozen for about half an hour before my brain started kicking in. i think i answered two pretty okay. the third one could have been better but i had run out of time by then so i only wrote four pages compared to the others (6 and 7). And so, there. sigh. and now i wish i had answered another one instead of the third one coz in retrospect, i had more things to say for the other one but i don't know, i think i was just overwhelmed by the nature of the questions.. had to pause and think and rethink and like..

sigh. oh well. :P

moving right along.

rasa sayang heyyy

the highlight of the day was going for the malaysian fair at covent garden and speaking malay with the pakcik jual batik and watching the kids from some budaya dancing program do a series of dances from perlis to sabah, culminating with everybody dancing "rasa sayang hey".. wahhhh ubat rindu! listening to the song reminded me of home and everything great about msia.. rilek aje lah.. :D

rasa sayang hey
rasa sayang sayang hey
hey lihat nona jauh
rasa sayang sayang hey

Buah cempedak di luar pagar
Ambil galah tolong jolokkan
Saya budak baru belajar
Kalau salah tolong tunjukkan

Pisang emas dibawa belayar
Masak sebiji di atas peti
Hutang emas boleh dibayar
Hutang budi dibawa mati

Pulau pandan jauh ke tengah
Gunung DAik bercabang tiga
Hancur badan dikandung tanah
Budi yang baik dikenang juga

Kalau ada sumur di ladang
Boleh saya menumpang mandi
Kalau ada umur yang panjang
Boleh kita berjumpa lagi

:)

breathe breathe..

wahhhhahhh.. 8 more days till first paper. hyperventilating.. bahahhaawwwaahhhh...
gulp.

ok i can do this i can do this.. phils 4:13..
:P

blah

:(

i think it's getting to me. everything. i'm trying not to let it get to me. didn't do anything today at all. woke up late. kavita, d and i went for a walk to picadilly circus. had ben and jerry's, saw some police breaking up a street footie game, met mitra at trocadero, shopped for sweatshirts, finally decided to watch confetti, came back via shaftsbury avenue, got hussled by some black men... and now i'm here.. thinking.. that i need to get over it.

isn't lola so pretty?

am.

hmmm... detached, somehow. don't know why.

icy birthday

this is what happens when a finnish-canadian decides to celebrate his birthday. he drags his friends to an ice bar where the sun never shines and the temperature is at a steady minus five celsius.

it was an experience, even if there were no icicles or northern lights. the bartender was swedish and the drinks were decent.

*blog break*

yeah, i'm studying. which is why i'm blogging so much.. it's a procrastinating outlet. i have now resigned myself to study on the floor in the space between the bathroom and the cupboard because 1) it's far from the bed, 2) it's far from the computer, and 3) the kitchen is behind me, and 4) all my files are nicely laid out in a long row along the cupboard. the room is kinda divided into five piles of books/notes: one for each of my four exams and one more pile for dissertation.

went into waterstones today and was tempted to take up its "3 for 2" offer. books that i was so very much tempted to buy:
1. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! - Richard P. Feynman, Ralph Leighton (ok i'm so glad i din't buy this one coz it's £0.99 second hand on amazon.co.uk, compared to 9.99 waterstones)
2. Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed - Jared Diamond
3. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka (but i wouldn't have bought this anyway coz kavita has it and i can just borrow from her)
4. and another book about how science work by this dude who has a science show on british telly. forgot both title and author. sigh. it seemed really interesting.. :D

currently reading (apart from the stuff that's on the reading lists for exams..)
1. Cosmopolitanism - Kwame Anthony Appiah (ok i got past the first chapter and i like how after you reach a certain milestone in your career you don't have to write with references anymore. just declare anything like it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth..)
2. Reflections of exile - Edward Said (ahh..he's too cool and this book is a collection of essays which makes it easier to read coz it requires short term concentration. i like. which is why I also like short stories.. coz you don't have to cheat by reading the back first.. which is what i usually do in long books.. i seldom read fiction nowdays. the only fiction i have in my room right now is p.g.woodhouse and roald dahl.. oh, and madeleine l'engle. all kids books. :D)

books bought but notchet read coz no time
1. preemption - alan dershowtiz
2. the poisonwood bible - barbara kingsolver
3. identity and violence: the illusion of destiny - amartya sen (kavita's reading this and she's making a summary for me. lol)
4. the wretched of the earth - franz fanon. actually bought this a long time ago but still couldn't quite get into it.
5. orientalism - edward said
6. intertwined lives: margeret mead and ruth benedict - lois banner

i think i'm gonna stay in london for summer. the libraries and bookshops here are way too cool. whoa imagine: a good book, sunshine, bottle of wine, food, park, grass, blanket, shades.. bliss.

:D

to go or not to go?

i went for french class. there were three students and our teacher. not good. i've never been picked on so many times in my life in class. sigh. i felt i paid back all my dues accumulated throughout the year for not doing homework and contributing zero hours towards french outside the classroom. unless you count eating at pret-a-manger to be doing french. the conclusion when all has been heard? i will never EVER take french lessons again. it's over. je ne parle pas francais. je deteste parle francais. tres tellement difficile. c'est tout.

i did not go to see my tutor. kinda chickened out in the end coz i had so many things to ask him but nothing really to say and i wanted to read more before i made a complete fool of myself by astounding him with my knowledge (or lack of it). but now remains that nagging thought ya know.. what if i had gone? maybe he'd have told me words of wisdom from heaven that will propel me instantaneously to firstclass-nerdom. arghhh... also he looks like colin firth and i don't know what to say to such hunkyness. it's like, wow check out those sideburns and high forehead and ok focus focus on what he's saying and stop staring at his broad comfortable-looking chest, g. :D lol. (it's more vivid in my imagination than it is in reality, truly:D)

up next week: goodbye french, hello tutor.

dawn

i'm up with a cold that i caught while out in the rain over the weekend. fried some venison meat for dinner but just couldn't stomach it so it's now sitting in the fridge and dinner didn't stay down either. so now i'm hungry, i'm cold, i have a slight fever and i'm deciding whether or not to go for french class tomorrow. i just skimmed through a book that i bought recently on ebay, called "culture and public action" and my only regret is that i didn't buy it earlier. i feel as though i can't write anymore. the words just won't come out. i'm thinking, instead of writing. stuck. constipated. that's bad no? i blame it on endless academic essays and microsoft word grammar and sentence checks. completely ruins style.

a few nights ago i dreamt someone said the perfect sentence. i recalled making numerous mental notes in my half-awake state to remember it verbatim, but now i can't even remember what it's about. but oh, the feeling of making the perfect sentence!! that i still remember.. :)

i'm beginning to view "progress" as a journeying process that do not involve the conscious act of learning alone, but the subconscious internalization and embodiment of modes of behavior and patterns of thought processes from an atmosphere alive and vibrant with new ideas and opposing paradigms... and despite my initial stuttering and half-baked attempts to express my underdeveloped thoughts, i find myself now, further down the road, at a point where the stuttering is less pronounced and what seemed like an impossible goal at the beginning now becomes clearer and within reach: the ability to construct and succesfully defend an argument in a more sophisticated manner. lol. :D

apparently that's what it all boils down to. it ain't matter what other people think is right. you just gotta figure out whatcha think works for you and why you thinkit and defend your ground till the end. steadfast, unwavering, immovable... in the face of 10001 other voices. apparently, quality is secondary, it's who says it and how loud and strong he or she says it that matter more. i think that's all bullshit of course but perhaps that's why god's so easy to miss.. coz daily reminders of god can be so subtle: a loving gesture, an unexpected kind word, unexplainable joy..

so at times, it is amidst the cacophony of voices all screaming for my attention that i strain to hear but sometimes miss, the gentle steady whisper(er)... where is my god? Ahh....

"His sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

baa..

awesomeness

in church earlier the pastor dude was talking about how god is like an ocean.. and whatever it is that we think we know about god is like us swimming a mile in the ocean and thinking that we've swam the whole ocean but actually we're only in our little wading pool. and on some level it's like duh yea god is bigger than my brain i know that already.. or i'd like to think i do. but i think on another level i can't even begin to imagine it cos the earlier reminder of realization that god is bigger than the sum of everything i know or will ever know about him is wow just so unfathomable and staggering and wow... i am. in awe.

jumbo hunt

so at 3:45pm on a cloudy sunday afternoon, eli, valeria and i decided to go for an elephant hunt in london. apparently a big mechanical wooden elephant was roundabout town as part of a drama troupe from france. so imagine, the three of us, hurriedly walking along greet queen street in the direction of picadilly circus, having a conversation that went something like this:

g: so, what's this again?
e: the elephant. it's at picadilly circus. i went there earlier and they said it's gonna start walking at 3:30.
v: and this is a wooden mechanical elephant, yea..?
e: yeah, i saw a huge bowl of water at one of the streets. i think the elephant's gonna drink from it.
v: come on.. why would an elephant drink water from a bowl? it's a wooden elephant.
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw.
g: so, the elephant's gonna drink the water huh. what's it gonna do with the water?
e: i dunno.. but that's what i saw...

so yeah, the elephant was HUGE.... REALLY HUGE.. as tall as a two storey building. it pulled a stage which carried a live band that included a bagpipe dude playing funky music. it was "driven" by eight people, each controlling the different appendages of the elephant: forelegs, back legs, trunk, head.. And on top of the elephant was a mongolian looking person decked in some kind of maharajah outfit looking exoticly fierce and ringleader-ish. and yes, the elephant did indeed drink from the huge bowls of water that eli saw, and it was spraying water onto the crowd with its trunk, although i couldn't quite figure out where the elephant kept the water.. huge bladder must be.

so fun. i love london.

arithmetic

chorus
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

- brooke fraser, "arithmetic"

:B

bobbie houston is so amazing. gail and i are official registered fans.
lol. :D

london's groovy

was kinda craving for some meat after dinner and then i get this call from gz saying hey come over and hang out.. so up i went and he had just returned from dinner at his aunt's and brought back food and so i had yummy ugandan rice with beef and chapati. :D and then we talked about african politics, colonialism, god, marriage..among other things.. and then he fell asleep while i was on the internet. :) so i left.

had two study sessions in two days and am so grateful for grace and strength to study and nail these exams. my first paper is in 20 days.. am now focusing on the later papers (cos they're more difficult) but next week will devote energies towards an404. feeling incredibly nerdy but also enjoying every bit of it. cos i'm returning to my old notes and old readings and they suddenly made more sense than they ever did before.. phew..

meanwhile, been checking out jth on the net and listening to him on itunes. *wink to gail*. hehehe.. and having loads of silly dreams.. :D *giggle* but as always, the best is yet to come.

ok im so grateful to be alive and well. the past few weeks have been just amazing. the weather's been great and things somehow just fall into place, even if at some point they did seem a little sucky. the best thing is that i now do not need a coat outdoors. groovy. just groovy.

...

you stood before creation
eternity in your hand
you spoke the earth into motion
my soul now to stand

you stood before my failure
carried the cross for my shame
my sin weighed upon your shoulders
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i walk upon salvation
your spirit alive in me
this life to declare your promise
my soul now to stand

so what could i say?
and what could i do?
but offer this heart o god
completely to you

so i'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe
of the one who gave it all
so i'll stand
my soul lord to you surrendered
all i am is yours

- joel houston "the stand"

Ok, God..

So, you've been really great and i can't thank you enough for everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHINGGGGGG especially the events that has happened over the past week.. gosh.. you're amazing.
i'm so glad you're so alive and happening and working in the hearts and lives of me and the people around me.
Just continue to work that wonder and magic ok. i totally trust in you.. cos "marvellous are Your works, I know that full well."
in other words: God, YOU DA BOMB!
:D

woohooo great song

I called
You answered
and You came to my rescue
and I
wanna be where
You are

in my life, be lifted high
in our world, be lifted high
in our love, be lifted high

- Marty Sampson, "came to the rescue", Hillsong United We Stand album